Love is...

Anthony Evans has a song on his lastest CD called "Love Is." I've heard this song many times before and really liked it, but today the lyrics hit me in a way they haven't before. I listened to it repeatedly. I've been thinking a lot about love lately and how I lack it and how I can't love apart from Christ. The first verse left me in stunned silence becuz it described me (and a lot of other ppl I assume) so vividly. But then the second verse brings such hope as it describes Christ. Here it is:

Love is
A. Evans, J. Ingram

I said I loved you
But I protected, and kept my heart
From you (love doesn't hide and self protect)
I saw your hurting eyes still I decided to
Move away
keep myself safe (love is reckless, not safe)
I apologize cause I’ve realized

Love is willing to get hurt
Love gives needing no return
When Love lives it needs no words
I’ve learned that’s what
Love Is

You said you loved me
So you came and you gave it all
For me
You could of changed your mind but still you decided to
walk that road knowing it would lead you
to your end
and I live

Chorus

It can be uncertain but still
It moves because it’s worth it. (powerful)

It is my prayer that day by day the Lord will help me to love Him above anything else and to love people with reckless abandon.

Harvest Institute.

I just got done with a weeklong ministry training called Harvest Institute at King’s Park. It was intense. Lots of worship and silent waiting on God. Lots of messages on the deeper things of God like Holy Spirit baptism, hearing the voice of God, spiritual resistance, the heart of the gospel, and more. We were prayed over and prophesied over. And we prayed a lot ourselves. Whew! At the end of it all….I was exhausted. Going to Harvest Institute was for me a response to what God told me to do earlier this year. And with all that I learned and with all that God spoke to me during this time I can see some of why I needed to go. It goes right along with what has been going on inside of me lately—a deeper understanding of the Gospel, a desire to see the power of God like never before, a desire to share the Gospel with people, and excitement about developing relationships with young women. As God moves me forward He has to prepare me for what is coming and I think Harvest Institute was a part of that. It is a part of the equipping process that I desperately need as God takes me deeper in Him.

One thing that stood out at Harvest Institute was their emphasis on praying in tongues and walking in the prophetic…two things that are not integral parts of my life, but I so want them to be.

NewsFlash

What has been up with me the last four months? Hmmm...let's see if I can remember:

-God used Philippians to show me how selfish I've been in ministry and what selflessness in ministry looks like
-Started exercising last week and I'm lovin' it.
-Spent a day alone at the beach. It...was....heavenly.
-Admitted my insecurity, received prayer, and finally felt up to the challenge of battling insecurity in my mind.
-have begun confessing scriptures about my identity in Christ. these verses are becoming a part of me.
-i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. for example i've NEVER liked my legs, but for the first time ever I think they're quite nice :-)
-there are two friendships developing in my life that God is really using to challenge me. These people are nothing like me and i'm nothing like them. and the way they live and the way they think and they way the approach ministry is calling me to a higher standard...and they don't even realize it.
-Finished reading This Present Darkness. I devoured that book. Anything on spiritual warfare captivates me.
-Rest comes from God. Not TV. Not long naps. Not sitting around doing nothing. He gives rest.
-I have an almost crush on this guy I've known for years. I say "almost" becuz I won't allow myself to really like someone until they make it clear that they have feelings for me first.
-Been meeting with my brothers in Christ and hearing what's on their hearts w/r/t to marriage and relationships and family. It has been a blessing. God is in it. I know some great guys. They will make great husbands. Glad I have the privilege of knowing them and praying for them.
-things are changing. people are moving, getting married, pursuing their dreams. it's exciting and sobering. idk if i'm ready.
-agreed to start mentoring a girl at the reality center. i first met her during a presentation last year and i never 4got her. excited, nervous, and scared about this new relationship.
-sang in public for the first time in forever. it was horrible. idk why I sound so awful when I know people are listening.
-I've been wondering do I really know how to be intimate with people? Like I'm not sure I know how to open up and be vulnerable and all that.
-when people ask me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life, I usually feel like I have nothing to say. I wonder why? My life is full and fun, so why can't I verbalize that.
-Been writing more. It feels like coming home to a familiar place after being away for years and realizing with great relief that it feels the exact same.
-I'm nervous about this upcoming bridal shower that I'm planning.
-I had a dream/nightmare that I was late for Janel's wedding and someone else took my place in the line-up :-(
-I'm at work writing this at work.
- I am sooooo NOT an office person. Being in an office all day drives me sorta kinda mad. I need to be out and about. I've realized this more this past coupla weeks cuz my presentation schedule has been extremely light.
-I forgot how much I LOVE a good comedy. And then I saw Date Night and I laffed practically the whole time. I love to laff. I need to find some comedians I can watch on youtube.
-Gotta counseling session at work today that I feel totally unprepared for. So I'ma go pray. Prayer....something that it is so vital to everything in life and yet I still neglect it. Sigh. I believe that one day prayer for me will be like breathing.

I just love Him....

Wow. That is really the only word to describe what happened yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot of Githens Middle School. It is something that will remain vividly in my mind until the day I die. Why? Becuz God showed up...and He showed up big. I think of that verse...He will show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is completely His...and yesterday He showed up for me. This is how it went down:

I had just finished presenting to two 8th grade classes of boys. It was a really good time, esp the 1st class cuz they really opened up and asked good questions and expressed their issues and concerns with the whole abstinence thing. It was one of those classes where afterward I'm just floored becuz of how I was able to connect with the kids. Anyway as I went on my lunch break I got the snese that I should call Harold and tell him about my presentations and then tell him that this ministry is something that he would be good at and I would love for him to join me. So I called him and I told him. And he just dissolved into tears right there on the phone and so you know I started crying too. And right there in my car as I talked to my brother, I experienced God's awesome power. He told me about how he's tired of the lifestyle he's living and that God keeps putting men of God in his life. As he talked I kept thinking of those countless prayers that I've prayed and so many others have prayed for him....and I realized that God is answering them. And it's not just a slow trickle either. It's like a deluge of God's power working in my brother's life. As usual, God has astounded me.

It was the first time I've ever experienced something where I felt so strongly the impression of the Holy Spirit to say such a specific thing. And it was amazing cuz I saw what can happen when I obey God's leading IMMEDIATELY!! It was like the words God told me to speak were the words Harold needed to hear and they went straight to his heart. And I remember as I was talking to him the words just came out...I didn't even really think about them. It was just...when I opened my mouth...I automatically knew what to say becuz as the verse says "I opened my mouth and God filled it!!!"

Wow Lord. Really though? I'm in awe.

And then if that weren't enuff, He keeps pouring on the financial blessings. In addition to the extra $200/mo that I now have WITHOUT the addition of a PT job, I just so happen to have an extra $87 this month becuz of a technicality with my car insurance payments. When it happened I just sat on bed and kinda just smiled incredulously thinking, "God you've done it again!"

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

That is how I feel when I think about the God I serve and the way He keeps blowing my mind. He's sooooo good. And He loves me and He takes care of me and He doesn't hold my sins against me and He's just......wow.

**********
So there is this guy I know who has been in my life for quite awhile now. But now I'm starting to look at him differently and I'm starting to get a vibe from him that makes me wonder if he's starting to look at me differently too. I've noticed him staring at me as of late in a way that causes my heart to skip just a bit. And there have been a few other things too....his compliments, him being all up in my personal space....and it all makes me a bit nervous. I guess cuz I never thot I would or could be attracted to him. And now....I think I am. And that is freaking me out just a little. And so yeah. I need to bring it before the Lord. Right now it's just a bunch of thoughts tumbling around in my head and that is never a good thing. Also I've been thinking more about sex and sensual stuff and being close to a guy in a physical way. That isn't good for me. But I must be honest and say sometimes I indulge it becuz I feel like I'm so close to being with a man and that as a 24 year old virgin it's impossible not to indulge. It's bad logic I know. Forgive me Lord. Help me stay pure.

This week I had a dream where a lady told me that thinks I am about to be in a relationship. When I asked why, she simply said it was because she felt a certain vibe whenever she's around me. Whatever that means. Oh well. Lord I give it all to you. What else can I do? Help me.....I need it.

Pancakes and Prayer

Today after prayer at WOCC I decided that I wanted a really good breakfast, but I didn't want to cook it. My first thought was to get a chicken biscuit from Chick-fil-A, but halfway there the desire for McDonald's pankcakes came over me and the chicken biscuit was quickly forgotten. I got a stack of 3 "hot cakes" for $2.18!!! And oh the smell....as soon I started to drive off from the window, the smell of the the heavenly pancakes started to fill my car and this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but I almost couldn't take it. Like seriously, I wanted to pull over and devour them on the side of the road. I kept thinking how fast can I get home and inhale these. Oh the aroma of McDonald's will not soon be forgotten. I have come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite smells of all time. I remember thinking as I drove up to my apartment: These pancakes are a gift from God :-) Yeah, seriously that's how much I fell in love with the smell. They tasted really good too, but not nearly as good as they smelled :-)

One of my favorite things about being a Christian is being witness to the moving of the Holy Spirit in a group of believers. Take prayer for example. I had prayer with my roommates Monday night and then with the CV ladies Thursday night. And I find that oftentimes duirng these times I will have a feeling in my heart or a desire to pray for something, but before I do somebody else prays the exact same thing. Other times somebody will pray and addresses something in my life that I totally didn't even mention. Recently at KPIC all night prayer I paired up with a young lady at the suggestion of the minister leading the event and we prayed for each other. We didn't talk beforehand, we just started praying. And I was awestruck as I listened to her prayer...it was definitely Spirit led prayer as she mentioned my heart for purity and she prayed for my words when I speak in front of people. She only found out what I did for a living AFTER we finished praying. Another thing that I am ecstatic about is when God births a vision or a passion for something in several different people at the same time. I know for a fact that God is birthing in me a heart for a Durham and a desire to see this city, esp. the young people, overtaken by God...it's like a sense I have that God wants to do a powerful work here that will require fervent, effective prayer. In talking to my roommate she has the same sense. And so does one of the ladies that attends Tuesday morning prayer at Reality. And so does this lady Mimi mentioned to me on Friday. This "desire for Durham" is a collective vision/burden/passion and it's been spurred by God alone....

Today Pastor Nate spoke on this verse: I am fully persuaded that what God has promised He is also able to perform. That Scripture resonated within me and I immediately wrote it down and started saying it to myself. From now on I will face life being fully persuaded that what my God has promised to me He is also able to perform it. This verse reminded me of the other night during CV prayer how I really felt as though I encountered the presence of God. Why? Because I was overwhelmed by a sense of His power and ability to do...anything. And in that moment of seeing God for who He was, I was faced with my own doubt and unbelief. In the face of such a powerful and sovereign God, how can I ever doubt Him? That is one thing that truly grieves my heart and I know it grieves His....that I can still after all He's done and all He's shown Himself to be in my life doubt Him. Lord help me to trust you forever and always with everything no matter what.

I want to start praying for random people. I am reading this book and he talks about how he's seen amazing things happen just from praying with people in public. Waitresses, bartenders, people at the subway station....all coming to know the Lord after a simple question of "how can I pray for you?" I want to be a person who is always ready to prayer no matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel. People need God. I know this God that they so desperately need. Why am I holding Him hostage? It's time to pray.

I can't stay here!

It's time for some changes in my life. I have this sense that there is bout to be this awesome explosion of God's power and presence and blessing and I don't want to get left behind. I think one of my biggest fears is God moving and me missing it. I want to be where God is. I want to be tuned into exactly what He's doing and I want to be right there in the mix. Why? Becuz I don't want to be where God is not. I don't want to be involved in endeavors that He ain't even ordain. What's the point? I know the feeling of knowing you are in the midst of where God is and I also know the feeling of doing things totally apart from Him. I prefer the former.

And so what does this look like? Well first God has called me to a life of prayer. I am an intercessor not because I think it's cool or it's what I want to do...it's becuase God has placed that on my life. And honestly I have not taken that seriously enough. Yes I pray. And a lot of time I enjoy prayer. Other times it's the last thing I want to do. But this is bigger than that. I want to live and breathe prayer. It's the only way that ANYTHING will happen. It's the only way I will get in touch with the heart of God. It's during prayer that the secret things will be revealed. I want that. I need that. And so do the unbelievers that I come in contact with everyday. What would the HOPE Program look like if it were bathed prayer. What would my life look like if it were saturated in fervent, effective prayer? What would my family, my future, my friends be like if heaven were constantly bombarded with prayers concerning them? I hope to soon find out. This is not a joke anymore. It's not somethign to play around with it. I have to stop talking about how vital prayer is and actually show with my life how vital prayer is. Jesus always lives to make intercession for me. How awesome!? My Savior prays for me....like for real? The very thot makes me giddy. And to think that in the ministry of intercession I get to partner with Him. Oh yes. IT IS ON!

In order to do this, I'm looking forward to radical changes in my life. I have set aside Tuesday nights as me and God time. No meetings, no dinners, no TV, no nothing. Just me and Him...doing whatever needs to be done. This is my 2nd week and I actually get excited about it. Like today as I left work, I had this expectancy about my date with Him. Also Saturday mornings my goal is to return to Saturday morning prayer. Those times were always so sweet and I have been lazy, not wanting to get up and I've been missing it. Also I remember when for a brief stretch of time I was leaving the house early and having my JAM sessions at places near PSS. And I remember what a great time that was....I felt like I was clearly hearing from God and that I really had an appetite for the thigns of God and I felt more calm. And when I stopped I could tell the difference. I need to return to that. Not out of a sense of legalism and checking something off my list, but but out of a sense of desperation...I NEED TIME WITH THE LORD! Simple as that. Also I know God is calling me to more fervent and focused times of prayer concerning my school presentations and concerning the ministry at Reality Center. Nothing will happen apart from Him. Prayer, devling into the Word, more prayer, fasting.....it's time to step up my game son. My rel.ship with God is only as deep and as close as I want it to be. I went to a conference this weekend and the speaker asked this question: "how much of this holy God can I encounter?" That is what I want to find out. It's time for a change.

And this shift will seem totally unrelated BUT it's not. I've had men on the brain. Not unusual for me, but I think one day recently i was thinking about relationships and marraige and men and I almost started to cry. Ugh. The desire is there, but I am slowly (very slowly learning) to throw that desire right back to God and let Him do what He wants with it. I have never been close to a man in a romantic way and I want to know what that is like, but I refuse to let that become my #1 focus. I refuse to let preparation for a husband override preparation for my meeting with Jesus. I can't do it. So yes I want it. I want it bad. But I just have to keep taking that to the Lord and digging deeper into the depths of who He is. My friend told me that the more she digs into the Word, the less she thinks about whole marriage/men/rel.ship thing. She's right. I am taking her advice. Again prayer is very necessary here. Lord, I am trusting you with this part of my life. I truly believe you have something mind-blowing for me with regard to this, but sometimes I doubt. Help my unbelief. Let my desire for you consume me. "I want to be consumed." (shout out to Anthony Evans for the quote)

I consistently find myself thinking about guys (old ones and new ones who come into my life) and wondering if they are the one for me. Is this normal? I totally want to kill these thots and never have them again.

What do you do when you want to dig into the Word, but you don't know what to read or you don't have a particular inclination toward a certain subject or book or passage or person? I've never been one of those just open it up and read the first thing your eye falls on type of people. I've been thinking about just going back to the Gospels. What would be good for me right now Lord?

Okay time for me to get off this thing and enjoy the rest of my time here at B&N without staring at a computer screen. I wonder what the rest of the night holds....

Don't tell anybody this but....

This is embarrasing to admit, but I will do it anyway: I have a blog crush. Simply put, I have a crush on someone whose blog I frequent quite regularly. It's this white dude in Atlanta named Stuart McDonald and for some reason I am quite captivated by him. Number one-he's white and I rarely look twice at a white dude. Number two-he's cute. Number three- he seems enthralled with black women. Number four-he seems to be one of those rare guys who like women just as they are...no stipulations about hair type and length, no crazy expectations about make-up and other things...in his writing he comes across as the type of man who a woman could be herself around and feel completely and totally at ease. And I think for black women that is insanely attractive because so much of what we are expected to look like isn't the real us or it isn't a standard all of us live up to - permed hair, long hair, thin, light skin. Ugh. I'm sick of the standards. Just let a woman be who she is. And so I think that is my attraction to Stu (see I've already given him a nickname hehe). And as I think about it more I must commend Stu for his writing--the fact that I could develop a crush on someone simply because of what they write and how they write really speaks volumes about his talent. How amazing it is that someone's words could capture the essence of who they are and what they are all about to such an extent that a person reading those words could be genuinely attracted to that person. Stu has inspired me to be a better blogger and a better writer. The written word is a powerful thing and reading his words has reminded me of that. Thanks Stu.

So this week was one of those exhausting in a good way kinda weeks. It was one of those weeks where I repeatedly sigh contentedly and say I love my job. It was one of those weeks where God reminded me of just how exciting it is to live this life with Him and for Him. Monday it began with me almost getting into a horrible car accident, but God. He protected me and kept me calm and saved my life. Then I had a presentation at Cedar Ridge which was soooo fun. I love high school kids. Next on the agenda was the Reality Center high school group. I had a lesson plan and God totally led in another direction. What he had was so much better! Our hour together ended with a discussion of religion vs. relationship, knowing truth, and a group prayer. Aww how sweet it was. I walked outta that place practically floating. Wednesday and Thursday I had presentations at Jordan. Again, the kids were hilarious and I had such a good time with them. Oh and how could I forget...the week started with the most amazing, mind-blowing, heaven-like church service I've ever been to. It was crazy!! God was all up in that place and everybody just lost their minds lol. People were praising God at a whole nother level. P. Nate got up to start the service and had to sit right back down and let the praise team come right back up cuz we just kept on praising. Aaaahhhh experiences like that just can't be put into words. Then P. Brian preached a sermon that went straight to my heart about resurrection power bieng alive in us. The dead things in my life don't have to stay dead. They can and they will live. He even gave his testimony at the end and his awareness of God's grace was so evident as he cried and jumped around the stage in praise to the God who saved his life. God is so good to us...that even while we're still on this earth he gives us a glimpse of heaven. The God I serve is real and no one can convince me otherwise.

More to come...