*Condemnation= to think ill of/ blame/ to pronounce judgment/accusation*
Condemnation is something that I have lived with for quite awhile. The cycle would go something like this: God would reveal a particular sin pattern or instance of sin in my life. Instead of confessing it immediately, I would beat myself up for having sinned. I would wallow in the sin thinking of how horrible I was and how I should be over this by now. I’d lament the fact that spiritually, I was not where I wanted to be. (Notice my focus was “I” not “Him”). Confession and repentance were words I knew but didn’t experience daily. Condemnation and accusation however were familiar friends.
Recently I went through a bible study that God used to transform this area of my life. I realized that my penchant toward condemnation was a sign that I hadn’t fully grasped the Gospel – the fact that all of my sins were dealt with in Christ and have already been judged. Condemnation is from the enemy of our souls. Instead of conviction leading to confession and repentance, he wants conviction to lead us to a place of condemnation and despair. He is the accuser of the brethren and the father of lies. He might whisper things like:
“You’re still dealing with that? You should be over that by now. What kind of Christian are you?”
“You’ll never overcome that struggle. It’s hopeless.”
“This is the worst sin ever. You better not tell anyone…they will look at you differently.”
Through the bible study I mentioned earlier, God showed me that when there is a gap between conviction and repentance, condemnation and guilt enter in to take up that space. I learned that instead of wallowing in my sin, I can rejoice and express thanks to God that He has exposed the sin in my life. The Word says that that these two things lead to repentance: God’s kindness and godly sorrow (Romans 2:4 and 2 Corinthians 7:10). Oftentimes we feel the worst when our sin is exposed, but I think that is when we should rejoice. Why? Because God is being kind to us! Be thankful that the Holy Spirit is present in your life and that God has grown in you such a sensitivity to the Spirit that you can recognize the conviction that He brings. Godly sorrow is not something that we can conjure up on our own--it is produced by His Spirit, and it brings about a repentance without regret that leads to salvation. Mmmm…that’s some good stuff! Imagine what it would be like if you never knew the conviction of the Holy Spirit. You would continue in sin and conformity to Christ would not happen. So when conviction comes, acknowledge it with thankfulness and confess your sin—agree with God, call it what it is and then turn from it back to God. When those things happen immediately upon conviction, the enemy has no space to enter in.
The finished work of Christ on the cross frees us from guilt and condemnation. He bore our sin. He took in His body the penalty for every wrong we have ever done or will ever do. (It’s like if you committed murder and were sentenced to execution. Then Jesus comes into the courtroom and says no it was me. Execute me. You go free while the penalty for the murder you committed is placed on Him. He dies. You live. But we know that ultimately even though He died for our wrongdoing, He rose again. He dies, yet we both live. Does that make sense?) Colossians 3 gives a great image of what Jesus accomplished. It says that we had a certificate of debt that consisted of decrees against us, but the debt has been canceled because Jesus took it away and nailed it to the cross. Why wallow in something that God has already taken care of? My problem was that I’d get so focused on sin, that I’d lose sight of Christ and what He accomplished for me through his death on the cross. No more! There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The bible says that if we sin (which we will) we have an advocate in heaven—Jesus Christ.
I have noticed a marked difference in my life since I’ve begun confessing my sin immediately. One day recently, I told a sneaky little lie in order to make myself look better and to avoid exposing something wrong that I’d done. Almost immediately, I was convicted. And while my initial response was to wallow in it and beat myself up about it, that didn’t last long. Within a few minutes I confessed my sin, asked for forgiveness, repented (I went and told the truth), and rejoiced. It was sweet and I was able to continue my day without tormenting thoughts from the accuser. He was silenced while the reality of God’s grace rang loud and clear.
Praise God for this truth being made real in my life. It has been HUGE for me and I pray that it is helpful for you!!
(If you have any more insight or any theological tweaking, feel free to add. I hurried to post this cuz I was so excited about it, but it could probably use some more development)
8.24.2011
3.08.2011
Back to Life. Back to Reality.
Sabbatical is winding down and tomorrow I return to my regularly scheduled life already in progress. I am a little wistful/sad as I think about ending this sweet time with the Lord, but contrary to my fears at the start I don't feel like I missed anything. God met me. And that was the best thing about these last two weeks...yes I received from Him, but more than that I just got to BE with Him. Years from now I will look back at this time as a significant marker in my walk with the Lord.
Don't really feel like recounting everything, but there are some things tumbling around inside me as I look forward to entering what I feel like is a new level in my rel.ship with the Lord and a new stage in my life. Circumstantially things are the same (though I feel like that is soon to change) but I am not the same. I have experienced true rest and desire to reside in that place forever. I am learning daily to lean the full weight of my soul on Him (depending on Him in everything, for everything, with everything), I hunger for Him more than before, I am increasingly more aware of His presence, and I can honestly say that I am content in just being with Him.
My prayer is that God will seal all this up inside me...that it will take root in my soul and not fall away once I get back into things. My prayer is that as I resume regular life, it won't be regular life as I have known it. I don't want life as usual. I want life that is drenched in/full of/overflowing with the presence and Spirit and nearness of God. Life apart from that is well....not even worth it.
Thoughts:
**got some clarity about my identity struggles today. it's not that i don't know who I am. I do. It's that I'm not always content in what I know to be true of myself. I've tried to attack this by reminding myself of all the positive things spoken over me and by trying really hard to like the different traits and qualities God has placed in me. This gets me nowhere. Why? Cuz the focus is still me. I feel secure and at ease in myself when I am constantly gazing upon Him and listening to His words. I find myself in Him. Remember that! Rehearse that! Live that!
**Praying that I will be free in my interactions with men. How can a guy be truly attracted to me and pursue me if I never let any guys see who I really am?
**Currently looking for a piano teacher. Can't wait to get started on this. Also I signed up for the songwriter's summit at church. not sure of the date, but i'm on the list. Before this time away, my creativity was stifled and neglected, but now it is re-emerging in full force. It's amazing what happens when fear is broken off!
**want to get better at articulating my thots and emotions. when i used to write all the time, those things flowed so easily, but now not so much. don't like feeling pent up because I can't express myself fully. Help Lord.
Don't really feel like recounting everything, but there are some things tumbling around inside me as I look forward to entering what I feel like is a new level in my rel.ship with the Lord and a new stage in my life. Circumstantially things are the same (though I feel like that is soon to change) but I am not the same. I have experienced true rest and desire to reside in that place forever. I am learning daily to lean the full weight of my soul on Him (depending on Him in everything, for everything, with everything), I hunger for Him more than before, I am increasingly more aware of His presence, and I can honestly say that I am content in just being with Him.
My prayer is that God will seal all this up inside me...that it will take root in my soul and not fall away once I get back into things. My prayer is that as I resume regular life, it won't be regular life as I have known it. I don't want life as usual. I want life that is drenched in/full of/overflowing with the presence and Spirit and nearness of God. Life apart from that is well....not even worth it.
Thoughts:
**got some clarity about my identity struggles today. it's not that i don't know who I am. I do. It's that I'm not always content in what I know to be true of myself. I've tried to attack this by reminding myself of all the positive things spoken over me and by trying really hard to like the different traits and qualities God has placed in me. This gets me nowhere. Why? Cuz the focus is still me. I feel secure and at ease in myself when I am constantly gazing upon Him and listening to His words. I find myself in Him. Remember that! Rehearse that! Live that!
**Praying that I will be free in my interactions with men. How can a guy be truly attracted to me and pursue me if I never let any guys see who I really am?
**Currently looking for a piano teacher. Can't wait to get started on this. Also I signed up for the songwriter's summit at church. not sure of the date, but i'm on the list. Before this time away, my creativity was stifled and neglected, but now it is re-emerging in full force. It's amazing what happens when fear is broken off!
**want to get better at articulating my thots and emotions. when i used to write all the time, those things flowed so easily, but now not so much. don't like feeling pent up because I can't express myself fully. Help Lord.
2.28.2011
Rest in Me...Find Relief
God called me to this. I would have never, ever thought to take two entire weeks off of work just to chill with Him. This sabbatical is from Him and it is becoming more apparent with each day. When I think about the fact that the God of the Universe called me away to spend time with Him….just me and Him….it thrills me to no end. Like really? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I remember some friends praying for me on the eve of these two weeks and I confessed that I was fearful—fearful that I would waste time and that nothing would happen and that I would regret how I spent my days. One of them assured me that God would meet me and that He was just as excited about this time as I was. And they were so right.
I wake up each morning with no plan which is beautiful. And I just ask Him to direct me and lead me. I’ve had slow, rambling walks around the lake; I’ve gone to soaking prayer at the Worship Center; had lunch with friends; gotten my car worked on; wrote a poem that turned into a song; taken lazy naps with no alarm clock to wake me up; rec’d awesome revelations from Him; read some chapters in Isaiah; prayed; journaled; cooked…..and just to think I have a whole week left.
I think the Scripture that best describes my time away is this: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. As I laid out during soaking prayer that first line from Psalms 23 was one of the song lyrics. As I laid there I thought about the rest of the Psalm, and I thought it interesting that it says God makes me lie down in green pastures. It’s like He knows when we need rest, even when we don’t and He’s willing to make us do it. And I realized that this is what God is doing in me during this time….not only has He made me lie down….He is leading me by still waters…bringing deep soul restoration. Funny that as I thought about this, I was literally lying down. God is truly teaching me what it is to rest in Him.
Read The Practice of the Presence of God over the last couple of days. Really moved by Brother Lawrence’s deep awareness of and ability to continually bask in the presence of God. I want that. I want it so bad. He talked about abiding in that place of communion with God to the point that it filled his soul with such delight that he had to learn ways to contain himself. He said something about it being so good that he was almost ashamed to even put it into words. Ha!
My mind is reeling as I think about all God has done and spoken in these last several days. For the first time in forever I wrote a poem. And for the first time in my life, the poem became a song. Doesn’t sound like much, but for me it’s huge. I have always loved to sing. I have always wanted to sing. And in the last few years I’ve had the desire to write songs. But I’ve been scared—scared of what people will think, scared it won’t be any good, scared that I’ll attempt it and realize my abilities can’t keep up with my desires. And so I held it in and stuffed it down and ignored it. But lately God has brought it all up again, so I’ve been praying for some time now about this area of my life. "Lord, help me to get over my anxiety with regard to singing. Lord show me what you want me to do with my voice. Lord help me to reconnect with my creativity." And, as He is prone to do, He answered….though not in the way or in the timing that I imagined He would. I sat at CK’s on Saturday and sent out a text to friend’s asking for this specific thing: that my creativity would burst forth. Not long after, I settled in to a big cozy chair in her living room and started to write. The poem came easy and I was pleased…not pleased cuz I thought it was so good, but pleased because I knew God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friend’s. Then later that night as I sat in Kobe waiting for my Ruby Tuesday’s to go order I had the idea to take out my journal and see if I could put a tune to the poem. It was fun playing around with it and I determined to come back to it later. Fast forward a couple of hours….Ruby Tuesday meal devoured, pajamas on, I sat on my bed with my journal trying out different tunes and recording them on my phone. Nothing worked. I got frustrated and said a quick prayer. And…of course….He answered. A tune came and it fit. And I’ve been singing the song ever since. It’s not complete and still needs work, but it’s the start of something that I think is gonna be really good.
This song has been a breakthru. So long, I’ve had music in me but was so afraid to let it out. But God is transforming me in this....I feel that these words and this tune came from Him and becuz of that I am so freakin eager to share it. Without a thought I shared it with B, CK, and some random dude I don’t even know at The Gathering. Never before have I felt so free of fear in this area. The song came from God and so I don’t care what people think of it. Before this, I’d always be nervous about singing, but I guess it was cuz I was relying on the flesh. God has totally blasted thru my issues with regard to singing and writing songs. I’m not saying I’ll never struggle with this again or never get fearful, but now when it comes, it won’t remain becuz unlike before, I have a revelation from God concerning it. :)
Reading Isaiah has been difficult and I’ve been tempted to stop. I just don’t get a lot of it. But then I’m reminded that reading His Word isn’t about “getting something.” It’s about getting to know Him. That hasn’t been the way I have thought about Bible reading for my most of my life, so it’s taking some time for that to get down in me. In reading I’ve been struck by a few things that are worthy of mention:
**in this book I see the danger of trusting man rather than trusting God. God’s people relied on other nations to save them and those nations failed them. For the past few months I’ve been relaying on man--namely myself--and pulling on my own resources. It hasn’t been conscious, but my lack of prayer and seeking God was a blaring indication that my trust hasn’t been in Him. Confessed this, repented, and re-memorized Jeremiah 17:5-8. This is now my prayer-that I will trust in the Lord and that my trust will be the Lord. Total dependence on God is essential. In the moment it sucks, but I think it’s awesome that God’s grace will cause all things we lean on besides Him to fail.
**Isaiah at the command of the Lord went naked and barefoot for three years as a sign to Egypt. WHAT??!! I wonder how he felt when he first got the word from God? Makes me think that obedience sometimes calls for us to do seemingly crazy things that make no sense and will cause people to look at us weird. My prayer has been for God to help me be obedient even in situations like that.
**God is forever. I’m reading about all these kingdoms that were so prosperous and powerful and mighty and proud. And where are these kings and kingdoms now? They are no more...they talked a good game, but in the end God remains (hey that rhymes!). What peace it is in my soul to know that He is forever. All that has been and will ever be raised up against Him will fail and that is a guarantee (Nahum 1:9)
Have felt a resurgence of hope and excitement w/r/t marriage and sex and romance. As I listen to theology of the body and as I begin praying about these things again, I am overwhelmed at the thot of God orchestrating this area of my life. And even more than that, I am awestruck as I think about the fact that no matter how good it’ll be, it is but the tiniest glimpse of the union with Christ I’ll enjoy in heaven.
Made a marriage hit list the other day-- single men and women who desire marriage. As I look back on times when me and T used to pray about this stuff, I realize that God has been so faithful in answering these prayers. I rejoice when I look at U and Q. I remember how down Q would get about failed relationship and still being single and to see him in this place with this woman is amazing. The transformation with M has been a miracle and to see him in a rel.ship still gives me chills. Not only that but S is now dating and R is now married. The temptation is to think “well if you’re always praying for other ppl to get married, how is it ever gonna happen for you. You need to focus on yourself.” I refuse to let that take root. I don’t know why, but this is something I feel called to, so I’ma do it and I believe that God will honor obedience. mmmm....i love this stuff.
This is something I wrote on Day One of sabbatical: “Need to really get grounded in Christ concerning my identity. It seems so elementary, but every now and then I struggle with my personality...resenting the fact that I’m “the responsible one”.....afraid that other people think I’m boring and not fun....shutting down somewhat in social situations becuz I’m thinking that other people are thinking that I’m boring and not fun. WHAT IS THAT?! I just wanna be! Whatever that is for me, I desire it. To be completely myself, to appreciate who God made me to be, and to engage people from a place of confidence and genuine interest in them. I hate when people put me in a box and assume I won’t like or won’t do something, but then I’ve realized that all I really do is ministry stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love it and it’s in my DNA, but where are my hobbies and interests? What do I enjoy? Maybe I make it easy for people to put me in a box. Well my hope is that these two weeks will be a chance to re-discover and re-engage my passions and hobbies. I just wanna get back to being me.”
As I read back over that, I can honestly say that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Writing, Enjoying people, having fun, singing...i even signed up for belly dancing classes lol. In reconnecting with God, I’ve reconnected with myself. I had lost sight of the fact that my realest self is found in Him. A constant prayer for the past year or so has been that I will live fully in the reality of who God created me to be. “Lord, the Lakeisha that you had in mind when you created me, that’s who I wanna be.” And sometimes I would pray that and be like “Lord you are not answering this one...I still feel off balance.” But in this moment as I type this....I realize God has been working slowly and deliberately all along....peeling off layers, exposing hurts, bringing me into rel.ship with people who are so free in who they are, digging up deep rooted sin patterns, and most importantly giving me a deeper revelation of His love for me. In Christ I can just be.
Yesterday as I lazily made my way around the lake I listened to a prophecy I rec’d back in August. I was struck by the accuracy of two things:
1. the guys said that in this next season I would sense the faithfulness of God
2. the woman prayed that I would have an envelopment of God’s love...that He would shed His love on me and it’d be so abundant that I couldn’t contain and that otherse would see it
Those are two things that have been HUGE themes in my life during these winter months. I’ve been marveling and reveling in the faithfulness of the Lord. As I have come face to face with my sin, I’ve also come face to face with the reality that no mater what I’ve done or will ever do God remains faithful and I can lean the full weight of who i am on Him. And now more than ever I feel the reality of God’s love for me. It’s not just something I know with my mind, but it’s getting deep down in me and taking hold of everything inside.
Did healing prayer with CK today. It was sweet. God spoke in spite of my reticence and unbelief (see what I mean about His faithfulness?). Another answer to prayer: CK said she’d love to meet up once a week to talk and pray. She also let me know that I could call her whenever I need more healing prayer. This...is....big. This kind of mentor relationship is something I’ve wanted for a long time. Something I’ve needed for a long time. CK is such a gift. Praise God for her!
Dang. this is long. I think I’m done. Will be back later.
I wake up each morning with no plan which is beautiful. And I just ask Him to direct me and lead me. I’ve had slow, rambling walks around the lake; I’ve gone to soaking prayer at the Worship Center; had lunch with friends; gotten my car worked on; wrote a poem that turned into a song; taken lazy naps with no alarm clock to wake me up; rec’d awesome revelations from Him; read some chapters in Isaiah; prayed; journaled; cooked…..and just to think I have a whole week left.
I think the Scripture that best describes my time away is this: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. As I laid out during soaking prayer that first line from Psalms 23 was one of the song lyrics. As I laid there I thought about the rest of the Psalm, and I thought it interesting that it says God makes me lie down in green pastures. It’s like He knows when we need rest, even when we don’t and He’s willing to make us do it. And I realized that this is what God is doing in me during this time….not only has He made me lie down….He is leading me by still waters…bringing deep soul restoration. Funny that as I thought about this, I was literally lying down. God is truly teaching me what it is to rest in Him.
Read The Practice of the Presence of God over the last couple of days. Really moved by Brother Lawrence’s deep awareness of and ability to continually bask in the presence of God. I want that. I want it so bad. He talked about abiding in that place of communion with God to the point that it filled his soul with such delight that he had to learn ways to contain himself. He said something about it being so good that he was almost ashamed to even put it into words. Ha!
My mind is reeling as I think about all God has done and spoken in these last several days. For the first time in forever I wrote a poem. And for the first time in my life, the poem became a song. Doesn’t sound like much, but for me it’s huge. I have always loved to sing. I have always wanted to sing. And in the last few years I’ve had the desire to write songs. But I’ve been scared—scared of what people will think, scared it won’t be any good, scared that I’ll attempt it and realize my abilities can’t keep up with my desires. And so I held it in and stuffed it down and ignored it. But lately God has brought it all up again, so I’ve been praying for some time now about this area of my life. "Lord, help me to get over my anxiety with regard to singing. Lord show me what you want me to do with my voice. Lord help me to reconnect with my creativity." And, as He is prone to do, He answered….though not in the way or in the timing that I imagined He would. I sat at CK’s on Saturday and sent out a text to friend’s asking for this specific thing: that my creativity would burst forth. Not long after, I settled in to a big cozy chair in her living room and started to write. The poem came easy and I was pleased…not pleased cuz I thought it was so good, but pleased because I knew God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friend’s. Then later that night as I sat in Kobe waiting for my Ruby Tuesday’s to go order I had the idea to take out my journal and see if I could put a tune to the poem. It was fun playing around with it and I determined to come back to it later. Fast forward a couple of hours….Ruby Tuesday meal devoured, pajamas on, I sat on my bed with my journal trying out different tunes and recording them on my phone. Nothing worked. I got frustrated and said a quick prayer. And…of course….He answered. A tune came and it fit. And I’ve been singing the song ever since. It’s not complete and still needs work, but it’s the start of something that I think is gonna be really good.
This song has been a breakthru. So long, I’ve had music in me but was so afraid to let it out. But God is transforming me in this....I feel that these words and this tune came from Him and becuz of that I am so freakin eager to share it. Without a thought I shared it with B, CK, and some random dude I don’t even know at The Gathering. Never before have I felt so free of fear in this area. The song came from God and so I don’t care what people think of it. Before this, I’d always be nervous about singing, but I guess it was cuz I was relying on the flesh. God has totally blasted thru my issues with regard to singing and writing songs. I’m not saying I’ll never struggle with this again or never get fearful, but now when it comes, it won’t remain becuz unlike before, I have a revelation from God concerning it. :)
Reading Isaiah has been difficult and I’ve been tempted to stop. I just don’t get a lot of it. But then I’m reminded that reading His Word isn’t about “getting something.” It’s about getting to know Him. That hasn’t been the way I have thought about Bible reading for my most of my life, so it’s taking some time for that to get down in me. In reading I’ve been struck by a few things that are worthy of mention:
**in this book I see the danger of trusting man rather than trusting God. God’s people relied on other nations to save them and those nations failed them. For the past few months I’ve been relaying on man--namely myself--and pulling on my own resources. It hasn’t been conscious, but my lack of prayer and seeking God was a blaring indication that my trust hasn’t been in Him. Confessed this, repented, and re-memorized Jeremiah 17:5-8. This is now my prayer-that I will trust in the Lord and that my trust will be the Lord. Total dependence on God is essential. In the moment it sucks, but I think it’s awesome that God’s grace will cause all things we lean on besides Him to fail.
**Isaiah at the command of the Lord went naked and barefoot for three years as a sign to Egypt. WHAT??!! I wonder how he felt when he first got the word from God? Makes me think that obedience sometimes calls for us to do seemingly crazy things that make no sense and will cause people to look at us weird. My prayer has been for God to help me be obedient even in situations like that.
**God is forever. I’m reading about all these kingdoms that were so prosperous and powerful and mighty and proud. And where are these kings and kingdoms now? They are no more...they talked a good game, but in the end God remains (hey that rhymes!). What peace it is in my soul to know that He is forever. All that has been and will ever be raised up against Him will fail and that is a guarantee (Nahum 1:9)
Have felt a resurgence of hope and excitement w/r/t marriage and sex and romance. As I listen to theology of the body and as I begin praying about these things again, I am overwhelmed at the thot of God orchestrating this area of my life. And even more than that, I am awestruck as I think about the fact that no matter how good it’ll be, it is but the tiniest glimpse of the union with Christ I’ll enjoy in heaven.
Made a marriage hit list the other day-- single men and women who desire marriage. As I look back on times when me and T used to pray about this stuff, I realize that God has been so faithful in answering these prayers. I rejoice when I look at U and Q. I remember how down Q would get about failed relationship and still being single and to see him in this place with this woman is amazing. The transformation with M has been a miracle and to see him in a rel.ship still gives me chills. Not only that but S is now dating and R is now married. The temptation is to think “well if you’re always praying for other ppl to get married, how is it ever gonna happen for you. You need to focus on yourself.” I refuse to let that take root. I don’t know why, but this is something I feel called to, so I’ma do it and I believe that God will honor obedience. mmmm....i love this stuff.
This is something I wrote on Day One of sabbatical: “Need to really get grounded in Christ concerning my identity. It seems so elementary, but every now and then I struggle with my personality...resenting the fact that I’m “the responsible one”.....afraid that other people think I’m boring and not fun....shutting down somewhat in social situations becuz I’m thinking that other people are thinking that I’m boring and not fun. WHAT IS THAT?! I just wanna be! Whatever that is for me, I desire it. To be completely myself, to appreciate who God made me to be, and to engage people from a place of confidence and genuine interest in them. I hate when people put me in a box and assume I won’t like or won’t do something, but then I’ve realized that all I really do is ministry stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love it and it’s in my DNA, but where are my hobbies and interests? What do I enjoy? Maybe I make it easy for people to put me in a box. Well my hope is that these two weeks will be a chance to re-discover and re-engage my passions and hobbies. I just wanna get back to being me.”
As I read back over that, I can honestly say that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Writing, Enjoying people, having fun, singing...i even signed up for belly dancing classes lol. In reconnecting with God, I’ve reconnected with myself. I had lost sight of the fact that my realest self is found in Him. A constant prayer for the past year or so has been that I will live fully in the reality of who God created me to be. “Lord, the Lakeisha that you had in mind when you created me, that’s who I wanna be.” And sometimes I would pray that and be like “Lord you are not answering this one...I still feel off balance.” But in this moment as I type this....I realize God has been working slowly and deliberately all along....peeling off layers, exposing hurts, bringing me into rel.ship with people who are so free in who they are, digging up deep rooted sin patterns, and most importantly giving me a deeper revelation of His love for me. In Christ I can just be.
Yesterday as I lazily made my way around the lake I listened to a prophecy I rec’d back in August. I was struck by the accuracy of two things:
1. the guys said that in this next season I would sense the faithfulness of God
2. the woman prayed that I would have an envelopment of God’s love...that He would shed His love on me and it’d be so abundant that I couldn’t contain and that otherse would see it
Those are two things that have been HUGE themes in my life during these winter months. I’ve been marveling and reveling in the faithfulness of the Lord. As I have come face to face with my sin, I’ve also come face to face with the reality that no mater what I’ve done or will ever do God remains faithful and I can lean the full weight of who i am on Him. And now more than ever I feel the reality of God’s love for me. It’s not just something I know with my mind, but it’s getting deep down in me and taking hold of everything inside.
Did healing prayer with CK today. It was sweet. God spoke in spite of my reticence and unbelief (see what I mean about His faithfulness?). Another answer to prayer: CK said she’d love to meet up once a week to talk and pray. She also let me know that I could call her whenever I need more healing prayer. This...is....big. This kind of mentor relationship is something I’ve wanted for a long time. Something I’ve needed for a long time. CK is such a gift. Praise God for her!
Dang. this is long. I think I’m done. Will be back later.
1.05.2011
Love is...
Anthony Evans has a song on his lastest CD called "Love Is." I've heard this song many times before and really liked it, but today the lyrics hit me in a way they haven't before. I listened to it repeatedly. I've been thinking a lot about love lately and how I lack it and how I can't love apart from Christ. The first verse left me in stunned silence becuz it described me (and a lot of other ppl I assume) so vividly. But then the second verse brings such hope as it describes Christ. Here it is:
Love is
A. Evans, J. Ingram
I said I loved you
But I protected, and kept my heart
From you (love doesn't hide and self protect)
I saw your hurting eyes still I decided to
Move away
keep myself safe (love is reckless, not safe)
I apologize cause I’ve realized
Love is willing to get hurt
Love gives needing no return
When Love lives it needs no words
I’ve learned that’s what
Love Is
You said you loved me
So you came and you gave it all
For me
You could of changed your mind but still you decided to
walk that road knowing it would lead you
to your end
and I live
Chorus
It can be uncertain but still
It moves because it’s worth it. (powerful)
It is my prayer that day by day the Lord will help me to love Him above anything else and to love people with reckless abandon.
Love is
A. Evans, J. Ingram
I said I loved you
But I protected, and kept my heart
From you (love doesn't hide and self protect)
I saw your hurting eyes still I decided to
Move away
keep myself safe (love is reckless, not safe)
I apologize cause I’ve realized
Love is willing to get hurt
Love gives needing no return
When Love lives it needs no words
I’ve learned that’s what
Love Is
You said you loved me
So you came and you gave it all
For me
You could of changed your mind but still you decided to
walk that road knowing it would lead you
to your end
and I live
Chorus
It can be uncertain but still
It moves because it’s worth it. (powerful)
It is my prayer that day by day the Lord will help me to love Him above anything else and to love people with reckless abandon.
8.27.2010
Harvest Institute.
I just got done with a weeklong ministry training called Harvest Institute at King’s Park. It was intense. Lots of worship and silent waiting on God. Lots of messages on the deeper things of God like Holy Spirit baptism, hearing the voice of God, spiritual resistance, the heart of the gospel, and more. We were prayed over and prophesied over. And we prayed a lot ourselves. Whew! At the end of it all….I was exhausted. Going to Harvest Institute was for me a response to what God told me to do earlier this year. And with all that I learned and with all that God spoke to me during this time I can see some of why I needed to go. It goes right along with what has been going on inside of me lately—a deeper understanding of the Gospel, a desire to see the power of God like never before, a desire to share the Gospel with people, and excitement about developing relationships with young women. As God moves me forward He has to prepare me for what is coming and I think Harvest Institute was a part of that. It is a part of the equipping process that I desperately need as God takes me deeper in Him.
One thing that stood out at Harvest Institute was their emphasis on praying in tongues and walking in the prophetic…two things that are not integral parts of my life, but I so want them to be.
4.21.2010
NewsFlash
What has been up with me the last four months? Hmmm...let's see if I can remember:
-God used Philippians to show me how selfish I've been in ministry and what selflessness in ministry looks like
-Started exercising last week and I'm lovin' it.
-Spent a day alone at the beach. It...was....heavenly.
-Admitted my insecurity, received prayer, and finally felt up to the challenge of battling insecurity in my mind.
-have begun confessing scriptures about my identity in Christ. these verses are becoming a part of me.
-i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. for example i've NEVER liked my legs, but for the first time ever I think they're quite nice :-)
-there are two friendships developing in my life that God is really using to challenge me. These people are nothing like me and i'm nothing like them. and the way they live and the way they think and they way the approach ministry is calling me to a higher standard...and they don't even realize it.
-Finished reading This Present Darkness. I devoured that book. Anything on spiritual warfare captivates me.
-Rest comes from God. Not TV. Not long naps. Not sitting around doing nothing. He gives rest.
-I have an almost crush on this guy I've known for years. I say "almost" becuz I won't allow myself to really like someone until they make it clear that they have feelings for me first.
-Been meeting with my brothers in Christ and hearing what's on their hearts w/r/t to marriage and relationships and family. It has been a blessing. God is in it. I know some great guys. They will make great husbands. Glad I have the privilege of knowing them and praying for them.
-things are changing. people are moving, getting married, pursuing their dreams. it's exciting and sobering. idk if i'm ready.
-agreed to start mentoring a girl at the reality center. i first met her during a presentation last year and i never 4got her. excited, nervous, and scared about this new relationship.
-sang in public for the first time in forever. it was horrible. idk why I sound so awful when I know people are listening.
-I've been wondering do I really know how to be intimate with people? Like I'm not sure I know how to open up and be vulnerable and all that.
-when people ask me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life, I usually feel like I have nothing to say. I wonder why? My life is full and fun, so why can't I verbalize that.
-Been writing more. It feels like coming home to a familiar place after being away for years and realizing with great relief that it feels the exact same.
-I'm nervous about this upcoming bridal shower that I'm planning.
-I had a dream/nightmare that I was late for Janel's wedding and someone else took my place in the line-up :-(
-I'm at work writing this at work.
- I am sooooo NOT an office person. Being in an office all day drives me sorta kinda mad. I need to be out and about. I've realized this more this past coupla weeks cuz my presentation schedule has been extremely light.
-I forgot how much I LOVE a good comedy. And then I saw Date Night and I laffed practically the whole time. I love to laff. I need to find some comedians I can watch on youtube.
-Gotta counseling session at work today that I feel totally unprepared for. So I'ma go pray. Prayer....something that it is so vital to everything in life and yet I still neglect it. Sigh. I believe that one day prayer for me will be like breathing.
-God used Philippians to show me how selfish I've been in ministry and what selflessness in ministry looks like
-Started exercising last week and I'm lovin' it.
-Spent a day alone at the beach. It...was....heavenly.
-Admitted my insecurity, received prayer, and finally felt up to the challenge of battling insecurity in my mind.
-have begun confessing scriptures about my identity in Christ. these verses are becoming a part of me.
-i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. for example i've NEVER liked my legs, but for the first time ever I think they're quite nice :-)
-there are two friendships developing in my life that God is really using to challenge me. These people are nothing like me and i'm nothing like them. and the way they live and the way they think and they way the approach ministry is calling me to a higher standard...and they don't even realize it.
-Finished reading This Present Darkness. I devoured that book. Anything on spiritual warfare captivates me.
-Rest comes from God. Not TV. Not long naps. Not sitting around doing nothing. He gives rest.
-I have an almost crush on this guy I've known for years. I say "almost" becuz I won't allow myself to really like someone until they make it clear that they have feelings for me first.
-Been meeting with my brothers in Christ and hearing what's on their hearts w/r/t to marriage and relationships and family. It has been a blessing. God is in it. I know some great guys. They will make great husbands. Glad I have the privilege of knowing them and praying for them.
-things are changing. people are moving, getting married, pursuing their dreams. it's exciting and sobering. idk if i'm ready.
-agreed to start mentoring a girl at the reality center. i first met her during a presentation last year and i never 4got her. excited, nervous, and scared about this new relationship.
-sang in public for the first time in forever. it was horrible. idk why I sound so awful when I know people are listening.
-I've been wondering do I really know how to be intimate with people? Like I'm not sure I know how to open up and be vulnerable and all that.
-when people ask me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life, I usually feel like I have nothing to say. I wonder why? My life is full and fun, so why can't I verbalize that.
-Been writing more. It feels like coming home to a familiar place after being away for years and realizing with great relief that it feels the exact same.
-I'm nervous about this upcoming bridal shower that I'm planning.
-I had a dream/nightmare that I was late for Janel's wedding and someone else took my place in the line-up :-(
-I'm at work writing this at work.
- I am sooooo NOT an office person. Being in an office all day drives me sorta kinda mad. I need to be out and about. I've realized this more this past coupla weeks cuz my presentation schedule has been extremely light.
-I forgot how much I LOVE a good comedy. And then I saw Date Night and I laffed practically the whole time. I love to laff. I need to find some comedians I can watch on youtube.
-Gotta counseling session at work today that I feel totally unprepared for. So I'ma go pray. Prayer....something that it is so vital to everything in life and yet I still neglect it. Sigh. I believe that one day prayer for me will be like breathing.
12.05.2009
I just love Him....
Wow. That is really the only word to describe what happened yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot of Githens Middle School. It is something that will remain vividly in my mind until the day I die. Why? Becuz God showed up...and He showed up big. I think of that verse...He will show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is completely His...and yesterday He showed up for me. This is how it went down:
I had just finished presenting to two 8th grade classes of boys. It was a really good time, esp the 1st class cuz they really opened up and asked good questions and expressed their issues and concerns with the whole abstinence thing. It was one of those classes where afterward I'm just floored becuz of how I was able to connect with the kids. Anyway as I went on my lunch break I got the snese that I should call Harold and tell him about my presentations and then tell him that this ministry is something that he would be good at and I would love for him to join me. So I called him and I told him. And he just dissolved into tears right there on the phone and so you know I started crying too. And right there in my car as I talked to my brother, I experienced God's awesome power. He told me about how he's tired of the lifestyle he's living and that God keeps putting men of God in his life. As he talked I kept thinking of those countless prayers that I've prayed and so many others have prayed for him....and I realized that God is answering them. And it's not just a slow trickle either. It's like a deluge of God's power working in my brother's life. As usual, God has astounded me.
It was the first time I've ever experienced something where I felt so strongly the impression of the Holy Spirit to say such a specific thing. And it was amazing cuz I saw what can happen when I obey God's leading IMMEDIATELY!! It was like the words God told me to speak were the words Harold needed to hear and they went straight to his heart. And I remember as I was talking to him the words just came out...I didn't even really think about them. It was just...when I opened my mouth...I automatically knew what to say becuz as the verse says "I opened my mouth and God filled it!!!"
Wow Lord. Really though? I'm in awe.
And then if that weren't enuff, He keeps pouring on the financial blessings. In addition to the extra $200/mo that I now have WITHOUT the addition of a PT job, I just so happen to have an extra $87 this month becuz of a technicality with my car insurance payments. When it happened I just sat on bed and kinda just smiled incredulously thinking, "God you've done it again!"
AAAHHHHHHHH!!!
That is how I feel when I think about the God I serve and the way He keeps blowing my mind. He's sooooo good. And He loves me and He takes care of me and He doesn't hold my sins against me and He's just......wow.
**********
So there is this guy I know who has been in my life for quite awhile now. But now I'm starting to look at him differently and I'm starting to get a vibe from him that makes me wonder if he's starting to look at me differently too. I've noticed him staring at me as of late in a way that causes my heart to skip just a bit. And there have been a few other things too....his compliments, him being all up in my personal space....and it all makes me a bit nervous. I guess cuz I never thot I would or could be attracted to him. And now....I think I am. And that is freaking me out just a little. And so yeah. I need to bring it before the Lord. Right now it's just a bunch of thoughts tumbling around in my head and that is never a good thing. Also I've been thinking more about sex and sensual stuff and being close to a guy in a physical way. That isn't good for me. But I must be honest and say sometimes I indulge it becuz I feel like I'm so close to being with a man and that as a 24 year old virgin it's impossible not to indulge. It's bad logic I know. Forgive me Lord. Help me stay pure.
This week I had a dream where a lady told me that thinks I am about to be in a relationship. When I asked why, she simply said it was because she felt a certain vibe whenever she's around me. Whatever that means. Oh well. Lord I give it all to you. What else can I do? Help me.....I need it.
I had just finished presenting to two 8th grade classes of boys. It was a really good time, esp the 1st class cuz they really opened up and asked good questions and expressed their issues and concerns with the whole abstinence thing. It was one of those classes where afterward I'm just floored becuz of how I was able to connect with the kids. Anyway as I went on my lunch break I got the snese that I should call Harold and tell him about my presentations and then tell him that this ministry is something that he would be good at and I would love for him to join me. So I called him and I told him. And he just dissolved into tears right there on the phone and so you know I started crying too. And right there in my car as I talked to my brother, I experienced God's awesome power. He told me about how he's tired of the lifestyle he's living and that God keeps putting men of God in his life. As he talked I kept thinking of those countless prayers that I've prayed and so many others have prayed for him....and I realized that God is answering them. And it's not just a slow trickle either. It's like a deluge of God's power working in my brother's life. As usual, God has astounded me.
It was the first time I've ever experienced something where I felt so strongly the impression of the Holy Spirit to say such a specific thing. And it was amazing cuz I saw what can happen when I obey God's leading IMMEDIATELY!! It was like the words God told me to speak were the words Harold needed to hear and they went straight to his heart. And I remember as I was talking to him the words just came out...I didn't even really think about them. It was just...when I opened my mouth...I automatically knew what to say becuz as the verse says "I opened my mouth and God filled it!!!"
Wow Lord. Really though? I'm in awe.
And then if that weren't enuff, He keeps pouring on the financial blessings. In addition to the extra $200/mo that I now have WITHOUT the addition of a PT job, I just so happen to have an extra $87 this month becuz of a technicality with my car insurance payments. When it happened I just sat on bed and kinda just smiled incredulously thinking, "God you've done it again!"
AAAHHHHHHHH!!!
That is how I feel when I think about the God I serve and the way He keeps blowing my mind. He's sooooo good. And He loves me and He takes care of me and He doesn't hold my sins against me and He's just......wow.
**********
So there is this guy I know who has been in my life for quite awhile now. But now I'm starting to look at him differently and I'm starting to get a vibe from him that makes me wonder if he's starting to look at me differently too. I've noticed him staring at me as of late in a way that causes my heart to skip just a bit. And there have been a few other things too....his compliments, him being all up in my personal space....and it all makes me a bit nervous. I guess cuz I never thot I would or could be attracted to him. And now....I think I am. And that is freaking me out just a little. And so yeah. I need to bring it before the Lord. Right now it's just a bunch of thoughts tumbling around in my head and that is never a good thing. Also I've been thinking more about sex and sensual stuff and being close to a guy in a physical way. That isn't good for me. But I must be honest and say sometimes I indulge it becuz I feel like I'm so close to being with a man and that as a 24 year old virgin it's impossible not to indulge. It's bad logic I know. Forgive me Lord. Help me stay pure.
This week I had a dream where a lady told me that thinks I am about to be in a relationship. When I asked why, she simply said it was because she felt a certain vibe whenever she's around me. Whatever that means. Oh well. Lord I give it all to you. What else can I do? Help me.....I need it.
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