God called me to this. I would have never, ever thought to take two entire weeks off of work just to chill with Him. This sabbatical is from Him and it is becoming more apparent with each day. When I think about the fact that the God of the Universe called me away to spend time with Him….just me and Him….it thrills me to no end. Like really? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I remember some friends praying for me on the eve of these two weeks and I confessed that I was fearful—fearful that I would waste time and that nothing would happen and that I would regret how I spent my days. One of them assured me that God would meet me and that He was just as excited about this time as I was. And they were so right.
I wake up each morning with no plan which is beautiful. And I just ask Him to direct me and lead me. I’ve had slow, rambling walks around the lake; I’ve gone to soaking prayer at the Worship Center; had lunch with friends; gotten my car worked on; wrote a poem that turned into a song; taken lazy naps with no alarm clock to wake me up; rec’d awesome revelations from Him; read some chapters in Isaiah; prayed; journaled; cooked…..and just to think I have a whole week left.
I think the Scripture that best describes my time away is this: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. As I laid out during soaking prayer that first line from Psalms 23 was one of the song lyrics. As I laid there I thought about the rest of the Psalm, and I thought it interesting that it says God makes me lie down in green pastures. It’s like He knows when we need rest, even when we don’t and He’s willing to make us do it. And I realized that this is what God is doing in me during this time….not only has He made me lie down….He is leading me by still waters…bringing deep soul restoration. Funny that as I thought about this, I was literally lying down. God is truly teaching me what it is to rest in Him.
Read The Practice of the Presence of God over the last couple of days. Really moved by Brother Lawrence’s deep awareness of and ability to continually bask in the presence of God. I want that. I want it so bad. He talked about abiding in that place of communion with God to the point that it filled his soul with such delight that he had to learn ways to contain himself. He said something about it being so good that he was almost ashamed to even put it into words. Ha!
My mind is reeling as I think about all God has done and spoken in these last several days. For the first time in forever I wrote a poem. And for the first time in my life, the poem became a song. Doesn’t sound like much, but for me it’s huge. I have always loved to sing. I have always wanted to sing. And in the last few years I’ve had the desire to write songs. But I’ve been scared—scared of what people will think, scared it won’t be any good, scared that I’ll attempt it and realize my abilities can’t keep up with my desires. And so I held it in and stuffed it down and ignored it. But lately God has brought it all up again, so I’ve been praying for some time now about this area of my life. "Lord, help me to get over my anxiety with regard to singing. Lord show me what you want me to do with my voice. Lord help me to reconnect with my creativity." And, as He is prone to do, He answered….though not in the way or in the timing that I imagined He would. I sat at CK’s on Saturday and sent out a text to friend’s asking for this specific thing: that my creativity would burst forth. Not long after, I settled in to a big cozy chair in her living room and started to write. The poem came easy and I was pleased…not pleased cuz I thought it was so good, but pleased because I knew God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friend’s. Then later that night as I sat in Kobe waiting for my Ruby Tuesday’s to go order I had the idea to take out my journal and see if I could put a tune to the poem. It was fun playing around with it and I determined to come back to it later. Fast forward a couple of hours….Ruby Tuesday meal devoured, pajamas on, I sat on my bed with my journal trying out different tunes and recording them on my phone. Nothing worked. I got frustrated and said a quick prayer. And…of course….He answered. A tune came and it fit. And I’ve been singing the song ever since. It’s not complete and still needs work, but it’s the start of something that I think is gonna be really good.
This song has been a breakthru. So long, I’ve had music in me but was so afraid to let it out. But God is transforming me in this....I feel that these words and this tune came from Him and becuz of that I am so freakin eager to share it. Without a thought I shared it with B, CK, and some random dude I don’t even know at The Gathering. Never before have I felt so free of fear in this area. The song came from God and so I don’t care what people think of it. Before this, I’d always be nervous about singing, but I guess it was cuz I was relying on the flesh. God has totally blasted thru my issues with regard to singing and writing songs. I’m not saying I’ll never struggle with this again or never get fearful, but now when it comes, it won’t remain becuz unlike before, I have a revelation from God concerning it. :)
Reading Isaiah has been difficult and I’ve been tempted to stop. I just don’t get a lot of it. But then I’m reminded that reading His Word isn’t about “getting something.” It’s about getting to know Him. That hasn’t been the way I have thought about Bible reading for my most of my life, so it’s taking some time for that to get down in me. In reading I’ve been struck by a few things that are worthy of mention:
**in this book I see the danger of trusting man rather than trusting God. God’s people relied on other nations to save them and those nations failed them. For the past few months I’ve been relaying on man--namely myself--and pulling on my own resources. It hasn’t been conscious, but my lack of prayer and seeking God was a blaring indication that my trust hasn’t been in Him. Confessed this, repented, and re-memorized Jeremiah 17:5-8. This is now my prayer-that I will trust in the Lord and that my trust will be the Lord. Total dependence on God is essential. In the moment it sucks, but I think it’s awesome that God’s grace will cause all things we lean on besides Him to fail.
**Isaiah at the command of the Lord went naked and barefoot for three years as a sign to Egypt. WHAT??!! I wonder how he felt when he first got the word from God? Makes me think that obedience sometimes calls for us to do seemingly crazy things that make no sense and will cause people to look at us weird. My prayer has been for God to help me be obedient even in situations like that.
**God is forever. I’m reading about all these kingdoms that were so prosperous and powerful and mighty and proud. And where are these kings and kingdoms now? They are no more...they talked a good game, but in the end God remains (hey that rhymes!). What peace it is in my soul to know that He is forever. All that has been and will ever be raised up against Him will fail and that is a guarantee (Nahum 1:9)
Have felt a resurgence of hope and excitement w/r/t marriage and sex and romance. As I listen to theology of the body and as I begin praying about these things again, I am overwhelmed at the thot of God orchestrating this area of my life. And even more than that, I am awestruck as I think about the fact that no matter how good it’ll be, it is but the tiniest glimpse of the union with Christ I’ll enjoy in heaven.
Made a marriage hit list the other day-- single men and women who desire marriage. As I look back on times when me and T used to pray about this stuff, I realize that God has been so faithful in answering these prayers. I rejoice when I look at U and Q. I remember how down Q would get about failed relationship and still being single and to see him in this place with this woman is amazing. The transformation with M has been a miracle and to see him in a rel.ship still gives me chills. Not only that but S is now dating and R is now married. The temptation is to think “well if you’re always praying for other ppl to get married, how is it ever gonna happen for you. You need to focus on yourself.” I refuse to let that take root. I don’t know why, but this is something I feel called to, so I’ma do it and I believe that God will honor obedience. mmmm....i love this stuff.
This is something I wrote on Day One of sabbatical: “Need to really get grounded in Christ concerning my identity. It seems so elementary, but every now and then I struggle with my personality...resenting the fact that I’m “the responsible one”.....afraid that other people think I’m boring and not fun....shutting down somewhat in social situations becuz I’m thinking that other people are thinking that I’m boring and not fun. WHAT IS THAT?! I just wanna be! Whatever that is for me, I desire it. To be completely myself, to appreciate who God made me to be, and to engage people from a place of confidence and genuine interest in them. I hate when people put me in a box and assume I won’t like or won’t do something, but then I’ve realized that all I really do is ministry stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love it and it’s in my DNA, but where are my hobbies and interests? What do I enjoy? Maybe I make it easy for people to put me in a box. Well my hope is that these two weeks will be a chance to re-discover and re-engage my passions and hobbies. I just wanna get back to being me.”
As I read back over that, I can honestly say that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Writing, Enjoying people, having fun, singing...i even signed up for belly dancing classes lol. In reconnecting with God, I’ve reconnected with myself. I had lost sight of the fact that my realest self is found in Him. A constant prayer for the past year or so has been that I will live fully in the reality of who God created me to be. “Lord, the Lakeisha that you had in mind when you created me, that’s who I wanna be.” And sometimes I would pray that and be like “Lord you are not answering this one...I still feel off balance.” But in this moment as I type this....I realize God has been working slowly and deliberately all along....peeling off layers, exposing hurts, bringing me into rel.ship with people who are so free in who they are, digging up deep rooted sin patterns, and most importantly giving me a deeper revelation of His love for me. In Christ I can just be.
Yesterday as I lazily made my way around the lake I listened to a prophecy I rec’d back in August. I was struck by the accuracy of two things:
1. the guys said that in this next season I would sense the faithfulness of God
2. the woman prayed that I would have an envelopment of God’s love...that He would shed His love on me and it’d be so abundant that I couldn’t contain and that otherse would see it
Those are two things that have been HUGE themes in my life during these winter months. I’ve been marveling and reveling in the faithfulness of the Lord. As I have come face to face with my sin, I’ve also come face to face with the reality that no mater what I’ve done or will ever do God remains faithful and I can lean the full weight of who i am on Him. And now more than ever I feel the reality of God’s love for me. It’s not just something I know with my mind, but it’s getting deep down in me and taking hold of everything inside.
Did healing prayer with CK today. It was sweet. God spoke in spite of my reticence and unbelief (see what I mean about His faithfulness?). Another answer to prayer: CK said she’d love to meet up once a week to talk and pray. She also let me know that I could call her whenever I need more healing prayer. This...is....big. This kind of mentor relationship is something I’ve wanted for a long time. Something I’ve needed for a long time. CK is such a gift. Praise God for her!
Dang. this is long. I think I’m done. Will be back later.
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