Oh how I miss writing in a journal. I remember back in high school and early college when I wouldn't even feel right if I went even a few days without putting pen to page. It was good for me. My life from 10th grade until about my sophomore year in college was preserved. (I ended up burning my high school journals becuase honestly I felt like it was something God was leading me to do, but that's beside the point). I really think I'ma try and get back into this thing. It might start off with just once a week, but even that is better than my scattered once every couple of months entries that I've been throwing up here. And eventually I think I'll get back to the place where writing in my journal is just a regular part of my day rather than some every now and then event.
In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.
I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....
I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.
My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?
I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.
I love God. He doesn't give up on me.
Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.
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