Today after prayer at WOCC I decided that I wanted a really good breakfast, but I didn't want to cook it. My first thought was to get a chicken biscuit from Chick-fil-A, but halfway there the desire for McDonald's pankcakes came over me and the chicken biscuit was quickly forgotten. I got a stack of 3 "hot cakes" for $2.18!!! And oh the smell....as soon I started to drive off from the window, the smell of the the heavenly pancakes started to fill my car and this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but I almost couldn't take it. Like seriously, I wanted to pull over and devour them on the side of the road. I kept thinking how fast can I get home and inhale these. Oh the aroma of McDonald's will not soon be forgotten. I have come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite smells of all time. I remember thinking as I drove up to my apartment: These pancakes are a gift from God :-) Yeah, seriously that's how much I fell in love with the smell. They tasted really good too, but not nearly as good as they smelled :-)
One of my favorite things about being a Christian is being witness to the moving of the Holy Spirit in a group of believers. Take prayer for example. I had prayer with my roommates Monday night and then with the CV ladies Thursday night. And I find that oftentimes duirng these times I will have a feeling in my heart or a desire to pray for something, but before I do somebody else prays the exact same thing. Other times somebody will pray and addresses something in my life that I totally didn't even mention. Recently at KPIC all night prayer I paired up with a young lady at the suggestion of the minister leading the event and we prayed for each other. We didn't talk beforehand, we just started praying. And I was awestruck as I listened to her prayer...it was definitely Spirit led prayer as she mentioned my heart for purity and she prayed for my words when I speak in front of people. She only found out what I did for a living AFTER we finished praying. Another thing that I am ecstatic about is when God births a vision or a passion for something in several different people at the same time. I know for a fact that God is birthing in me a heart for a Durham and a desire to see this city, esp. the young people, overtaken by God...it's like a sense I have that God wants to do a powerful work here that will require fervent, effective prayer. In talking to my roommate she has the same sense. And so does one of the ladies that attends Tuesday morning prayer at Reality. And so does this lady Mimi mentioned to me on Friday. This "desire for Durham" is a collective vision/burden/passion and it's been spurred by God alone....
Today Pastor Nate spoke on this verse: I am fully persuaded that what God has promised He is also able to perform. That Scripture resonated within me and I immediately wrote it down and started saying it to myself. From now on I will face life being fully persuaded that what my God has promised to me He is also able to perform it. This verse reminded me of the other night during CV prayer how I really felt as though I encountered the presence of God. Why? Because I was overwhelmed by a sense of His power and ability to do...anything. And in that moment of seeing God for who He was, I was faced with my own doubt and unbelief. In the face of such a powerful and sovereign God, how can I ever doubt Him? That is one thing that truly grieves my heart and I know it grieves His....that I can still after all He's done and all He's shown Himself to be in my life doubt Him. Lord help me to trust you forever and always with everything no matter what.
I want to start praying for random people. I am reading this book and he talks about how he's seen amazing things happen just from praying with people in public. Waitresses, bartenders, people at the subway station....all coming to know the Lord after a simple question of "how can I pray for you?" I want to be a person who is always ready to prayer no matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel. People need God. I know this God that they so desperately need. Why am I holding Him hostage? It's time to pray.
11.14.2009
11.10.2009
I can't stay here!
It's time for some changes in my life. I have this sense that there is bout to be this awesome explosion of God's power and presence and blessing and I don't want to get left behind. I think one of my biggest fears is God moving and me missing it. I want to be where God is. I want to be tuned into exactly what He's doing and I want to be right there in the mix. Why? Becuz I don't want to be where God is not. I don't want to be involved in endeavors that He ain't even ordain. What's the point? I know the feeling of knowing you are in the midst of where God is and I also know the feeling of doing things totally apart from Him. I prefer the former.
And so what does this look like? Well first God has called me to a life of prayer. I am an intercessor not because I think it's cool or it's what I want to do...it's becuase God has placed that on my life. And honestly I have not taken that seriously enough. Yes I pray. And a lot of time I enjoy prayer. Other times it's the last thing I want to do. But this is bigger than that. I want to live and breathe prayer. It's the only way that ANYTHING will happen. It's the only way I will get in touch with the heart of God. It's during prayer that the secret things will be revealed. I want that. I need that. And so do the unbelievers that I come in contact with everyday. What would the HOPE Program look like if it were bathed prayer. What would my life look like if it were saturated in fervent, effective prayer? What would my family, my future, my friends be like if heaven were constantly bombarded with prayers concerning them? I hope to soon find out. This is not a joke anymore. It's not somethign to play around with it. I have to stop talking about how vital prayer is and actually show with my life how vital prayer is. Jesus always lives to make intercession for me. How awesome!? My Savior prays for me....like for real? The very thot makes me giddy. And to think that in the ministry of intercession I get to partner with Him. Oh yes. IT IS ON!
In order to do this, I'm looking forward to radical changes in my life. I have set aside Tuesday nights as me and God time. No meetings, no dinners, no TV, no nothing. Just me and Him...doing whatever needs to be done. This is my 2nd week and I actually get excited about it. Like today as I left work, I had this expectancy about my date with Him. Also Saturday mornings my goal is to return to Saturday morning prayer. Those times were always so sweet and I have been lazy, not wanting to get up and I've been missing it. Also I remember when for a brief stretch of time I was leaving the house early and having my JAM sessions at places near PSS. And I remember what a great time that was....I felt like I was clearly hearing from God and that I really had an appetite for the thigns of God and I felt more calm. And when I stopped I could tell the difference. I need to return to that. Not out of a sense of legalism and checking something off my list, but but out of a sense of desperation...I NEED TIME WITH THE LORD! Simple as that. Also I know God is calling me to more fervent and focused times of prayer concerning my school presentations and concerning the ministry at Reality Center. Nothing will happen apart from Him. Prayer, devling into the Word, more prayer, fasting.....it's time to step up my game son. My rel.ship with God is only as deep and as close as I want it to be. I went to a conference this weekend and the speaker asked this question: "how much of this holy God can I encounter?" That is what I want to find out. It's time for a change.
And this shift will seem totally unrelated BUT it's not. I've had men on the brain. Not unusual for me, but I think one day recently i was thinking about relationships and marraige and men and I almost started to cry. Ugh. The desire is there, but I am slowly (very slowly learning) to throw that desire right back to God and let Him do what He wants with it. I have never been close to a man in a romantic way and I want to know what that is like, but I refuse to let that become my #1 focus. I refuse to let preparation for a husband override preparation for my meeting with Jesus. I can't do it. So yes I want it. I want it bad. But I just have to keep taking that to the Lord and digging deeper into the depths of who He is. My friend told me that the more she digs into the Word, the less she thinks about whole marriage/men/rel.ship thing. She's right. I am taking her advice. Again prayer is very necessary here. Lord, I am trusting you with this part of my life. I truly believe you have something mind-blowing for me with regard to this, but sometimes I doubt. Help my unbelief. Let my desire for you consume me. "I want to be consumed." (shout out to Anthony Evans for the quote)
I consistently find myself thinking about guys (old ones and new ones who come into my life) and wondering if they are the one for me. Is this normal? I totally want to kill these thots and never have them again.
What do you do when you want to dig into the Word, but you don't know what to read or you don't have a particular inclination toward a certain subject or book or passage or person? I've never been one of those just open it up and read the first thing your eye falls on type of people. I've been thinking about just going back to the Gospels. What would be good for me right now Lord?
Okay time for me to get off this thing and enjoy the rest of my time here at B&N without staring at a computer screen. I wonder what the rest of the night holds....
And so what does this look like? Well first God has called me to a life of prayer. I am an intercessor not because I think it's cool or it's what I want to do...it's becuase God has placed that on my life. And honestly I have not taken that seriously enough. Yes I pray. And a lot of time I enjoy prayer. Other times it's the last thing I want to do. But this is bigger than that. I want to live and breathe prayer. It's the only way that ANYTHING will happen. It's the only way I will get in touch with the heart of God. It's during prayer that the secret things will be revealed. I want that. I need that. And so do the unbelievers that I come in contact with everyday. What would the HOPE Program look like if it were bathed prayer. What would my life look like if it were saturated in fervent, effective prayer? What would my family, my future, my friends be like if heaven were constantly bombarded with prayers concerning them? I hope to soon find out. This is not a joke anymore. It's not somethign to play around with it. I have to stop talking about how vital prayer is and actually show with my life how vital prayer is. Jesus always lives to make intercession for me. How awesome!? My Savior prays for me....like for real? The very thot makes me giddy. And to think that in the ministry of intercession I get to partner with Him. Oh yes. IT IS ON!
In order to do this, I'm looking forward to radical changes in my life. I have set aside Tuesday nights as me and God time. No meetings, no dinners, no TV, no nothing. Just me and Him...doing whatever needs to be done. This is my 2nd week and I actually get excited about it. Like today as I left work, I had this expectancy about my date with Him. Also Saturday mornings my goal is to return to Saturday morning prayer. Those times were always so sweet and I have been lazy, not wanting to get up and I've been missing it. Also I remember when for a brief stretch of time I was leaving the house early and having my JAM sessions at places near PSS. And I remember what a great time that was....I felt like I was clearly hearing from God and that I really had an appetite for the thigns of God and I felt more calm. And when I stopped I could tell the difference. I need to return to that. Not out of a sense of legalism and checking something off my list, but but out of a sense of desperation...I NEED TIME WITH THE LORD! Simple as that. Also I know God is calling me to more fervent and focused times of prayer concerning my school presentations and concerning the ministry at Reality Center. Nothing will happen apart from Him. Prayer, devling into the Word, more prayer, fasting.....it's time to step up my game son. My rel.ship with God is only as deep and as close as I want it to be. I went to a conference this weekend and the speaker asked this question: "how much of this holy God can I encounter?" That is what I want to find out. It's time for a change.
And this shift will seem totally unrelated BUT it's not. I've had men on the brain. Not unusual for me, but I think one day recently i was thinking about relationships and marraige and men and I almost started to cry. Ugh. The desire is there, but I am slowly (very slowly learning) to throw that desire right back to God and let Him do what He wants with it. I have never been close to a man in a romantic way and I want to know what that is like, but I refuse to let that become my #1 focus. I refuse to let preparation for a husband override preparation for my meeting with Jesus. I can't do it. So yes I want it. I want it bad. But I just have to keep taking that to the Lord and digging deeper into the depths of who He is. My friend told me that the more she digs into the Word, the less she thinks about whole marriage/men/rel.ship thing. She's right. I am taking her advice. Again prayer is very necessary here. Lord, I am trusting you with this part of my life. I truly believe you have something mind-blowing for me with regard to this, but sometimes I doubt. Help my unbelief. Let my desire for you consume me. "I want to be consumed." (shout out to Anthony Evans for the quote)
I consistently find myself thinking about guys (old ones and new ones who come into my life) and wondering if they are the one for me. Is this normal? I totally want to kill these thots and never have them again.
What do you do when you want to dig into the Word, but you don't know what to read or you don't have a particular inclination toward a certain subject or book or passage or person? I've never been one of those just open it up and read the first thing your eye falls on type of people. I've been thinking about just going back to the Gospels. What would be good for me right now Lord?
Okay time for me to get off this thing and enjoy the rest of my time here at B&N without staring at a computer screen. I wonder what the rest of the night holds....
10.09.2009
Don't tell anybody this but....
This is embarrasing to admit, but I will do it anyway: I have a blog crush. Simply put, I have a crush on someone whose blog I frequent quite regularly. It's this white dude in Atlanta named Stuart McDonald and for some reason I am quite captivated by him. Number one-he's white and I rarely look twice at a white dude. Number two-he's cute. Number three- he seems enthralled with black women. Number four-he seems to be one of those rare guys who like women just as they are...no stipulations about hair type and length, no crazy expectations about make-up and other things...in his writing he comes across as the type of man who a woman could be herself around and feel completely and totally at ease. And I think for black women that is insanely attractive because so much of what we are expected to look like isn't the real us or it isn't a standard all of us live up to - permed hair, long hair, thin, light skin. Ugh. I'm sick of the standards. Just let a woman be who she is. And so I think that is my attraction to Stu (see I've already given him a nickname hehe). And as I think about it more I must commend Stu for his writing--the fact that I could develop a crush on someone simply because of what they write and how they write really speaks volumes about his talent. How amazing it is that someone's words could capture the essence of who they are and what they are all about to such an extent that a person reading those words could be genuinely attracted to that person. Stu has inspired me to be a better blogger and a better writer. The written word is a powerful thing and reading his words has reminded me of that. Thanks Stu.
So this week was one of those exhausting in a good way kinda weeks. It was one of those weeks where I repeatedly sigh contentedly and say I love my job. It was one of those weeks where God reminded me of just how exciting it is to live this life with Him and for Him. Monday it began with me almost getting into a horrible car accident, but God. He protected me and kept me calm and saved my life. Then I had a presentation at Cedar Ridge which was soooo fun. I love high school kids. Next on the agenda was the Reality Center high school group. I had a lesson plan and God totally led in another direction. What he had was so much better! Our hour together ended with a discussion of religion vs. relationship, knowing truth, and a group prayer. Aww how sweet it was. I walked outta that place practically floating. Wednesday and Thursday I had presentations at Jordan. Again, the kids were hilarious and I had such a good time with them. Oh and how could I forget...the week started with the most amazing, mind-blowing, heaven-like church service I've ever been to. It was crazy!! God was all up in that place and everybody just lost their minds lol. People were praising God at a whole nother level. P. Nate got up to start the service and had to sit right back down and let the praise team come right back up cuz we just kept on praising. Aaaahhhh experiences like that just can't be put into words. Then P. Brian preached a sermon that went straight to my heart about resurrection power bieng alive in us. The dead things in my life don't have to stay dead. They can and they will live. He even gave his testimony at the end and his awareness of God's grace was so evident as he cried and jumped around the stage in praise to the God who saved his life. God is so good to us...that even while we're still on this earth he gives us a glimpse of heaven. The God I serve is real and no one can convince me otherwise.
More to come...
So this week was one of those exhausting in a good way kinda weeks. It was one of those weeks where I repeatedly sigh contentedly and say I love my job. It was one of those weeks where God reminded me of just how exciting it is to live this life with Him and for Him. Monday it began with me almost getting into a horrible car accident, but God. He protected me and kept me calm and saved my life. Then I had a presentation at Cedar Ridge which was soooo fun. I love high school kids. Next on the agenda was the Reality Center high school group. I had a lesson plan and God totally led in another direction. What he had was so much better! Our hour together ended with a discussion of religion vs. relationship, knowing truth, and a group prayer. Aww how sweet it was. I walked outta that place practically floating. Wednesday and Thursday I had presentations at Jordan. Again, the kids were hilarious and I had such a good time with them. Oh and how could I forget...the week started with the most amazing, mind-blowing, heaven-like church service I've ever been to. It was crazy!! God was all up in that place and everybody just lost their minds lol. People were praising God at a whole nother level. P. Nate got up to start the service and had to sit right back down and let the praise team come right back up cuz we just kept on praising. Aaaahhhh experiences like that just can't be put into words. Then P. Brian preached a sermon that went straight to my heart about resurrection power bieng alive in us. The dead things in my life don't have to stay dead. They can and they will live. He even gave his testimony at the end and his awareness of God's grace was so evident as he cried and jumped around the stage in praise to the God who saved his life. God is so good to us...that even while we're still on this earth he gives us a glimpse of heaven. The God I serve is real and no one can convince me otherwise.
More to come...
9.16.2009
I have been attacked, but God...
And so our off again-on again relationship continues. I just can't seem to commit to writing on a regular basis. It's quite sad. And I'm sorry. I know I said this last time, but I will do better. Definitely not everyday...let's start slow and say I'll post once every two weeks. I think that is doable.
So yeah. Lots going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart. Oh where to begin? How about a list:
1. I have been blindsided by crippling insecurity issues. For the past two weeks or so I have been feeling like I used to feel back in middle and high school--ugly and like no guy would ever be attracted to me. WHAT IS THAT? Ugh. I'm sick of it. I am a grown woman and grown woman are secure...right? Well the Lord spoke to me and let me know that this is a straight up attack from the enemy. And I totally feel that. It feels very oppressive and overwhelming. And it makes so much sense...lately I've been talking to my middle and high school girls about value and beauty and rising above what the media says and in the midst of that I have been dealing with those very issues. For me this is a wake-up call--I thought I was 100% secure in Jesus, but I'm not and I refuse to stay in this place. So i'm praying about this and digging deep and reflecting on the Word and being more vigilant about what thoughts I let float around in my head.
2. My digestive system has been outta whack lately. It's like every time I eat, I feel weird which is a tragedy for me cuz I enjoy food so much. And so I am gonna try and detox my system by restricting my diet. The plan is to drink lots of Naked Juice and only eat fruits and veggies. So far today drank 16oz. of Naked Juice and ate a salad for lunch. I ate some rice in between those things and tonight I agreed to go to Champps with a friend and order nachos....so yeah. I'm not there yet. But it's a start....
3. Maybe this insecurity issues means I'm not as ready for a rel.ship as I thought I was :-/
4. Celebrities need prayer. Too many times Christians (myself included) sit around and talk about famous people and how crazy/egocentric/weird/sinful/stupid they are. And then we get smug becuase we aren't like that or at least we think we aren't. How sad. God used this whole Kanye fiasco to convict me and to remind me that I need to be praying for people in the limelight rather than dissecting their moral failings. A lot of time we help contribute to the issues these people have becuz we are so obsessed with them. And what does that say of us?
4. God answers prayer. No one can ever convince me otherwise. He hears us and then He answers. Often times in ways that are different than what we expected, but better than we could have every imagined. Case in point: becuz finances are tight I have been praying this way, "Lord please stretch my money. Make my dollar go farther than the average dollar. Make it so that my money doesn't even spend. Lord, stuff that I usually have to pay for, give it to me for free. Give me discounts on things that I usually pay full price for. Amen" When I first started praying this..it was kinda feeble and I didn't really see how God could do it, but the faith behind it grew stronger. And I love how God works becuz he is using people in my life to bring about the answer to this prayer. Here are some examples:
-one weekend when I was running low on food, my coworker and her husband invited me over for lunch.
-my coworker just walked into my office and gave me some jewelery she doesn't wear anymore.
-a friend of mine gave me a bag of clothes that she can't fit anymore. From that stash I got a nice formal outfit, a tan blazer, a gray skirt, and gray dress pants---all for FREE!!
-another of my friends has treated me to like three meals over the past few week.
See! I stand back in awe of how God provides for me. How can I ever doubt Him when He comes thru every single time!
5. My family. We still have issues. But God...
Well I'm writing this at work and I officially feel bad so I'm going to cut this short and pick it up again later. It's been fun.
So yeah. Lots going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart. Oh where to begin? How about a list:
1. I have been blindsided by crippling insecurity issues. For the past two weeks or so I have been feeling like I used to feel back in middle and high school--ugly and like no guy would ever be attracted to me. WHAT IS THAT? Ugh. I'm sick of it. I am a grown woman and grown woman are secure...right? Well the Lord spoke to me and let me know that this is a straight up attack from the enemy. And I totally feel that. It feels very oppressive and overwhelming. And it makes so much sense...lately I've been talking to my middle and high school girls about value and beauty and rising above what the media says and in the midst of that I have been dealing with those very issues. For me this is a wake-up call--I thought I was 100% secure in Jesus, but I'm not and I refuse to stay in this place. So i'm praying about this and digging deep and reflecting on the Word and being more vigilant about what thoughts I let float around in my head.
2. My digestive system has been outta whack lately. It's like every time I eat, I feel weird which is a tragedy for me cuz I enjoy food so much. And so I am gonna try and detox my system by restricting my diet. The plan is to drink lots of Naked Juice and only eat fruits and veggies. So far today drank 16oz. of Naked Juice and ate a salad for lunch. I ate some rice in between those things and tonight I agreed to go to Champps with a friend and order nachos....so yeah. I'm not there yet. But it's a start....
3. Maybe this insecurity issues means I'm not as ready for a rel.ship as I thought I was :-/
4. Celebrities need prayer. Too many times Christians (myself included) sit around and talk about famous people and how crazy/egocentric/weird/sinful/stupid they are. And then we get smug becuase we aren't like that or at least we think we aren't. How sad. God used this whole Kanye fiasco to convict me and to remind me that I need to be praying for people in the limelight rather than dissecting their moral failings. A lot of time we help contribute to the issues these people have becuz we are so obsessed with them. And what does that say of us?
4. God answers prayer. No one can ever convince me otherwise. He hears us and then He answers. Often times in ways that are different than what we expected, but better than we could have every imagined. Case in point: becuz finances are tight I have been praying this way, "Lord please stretch my money. Make my dollar go farther than the average dollar. Make it so that my money doesn't even spend. Lord, stuff that I usually have to pay for, give it to me for free. Give me discounts on things that I usually pay full price for. Amen" When I first started praying this..it was kinda feeble and I didn't really see how God could do it, but the faith behind it grew stronger. And I love how God works becuz he is using people in my life to bring about the answer to this prayer. Here are some examples:
-one weekend when I was running low on food, my coworker and her husband invited me over for lunch.
-my coworker just walked into my office and gave me some jewelery she doesn't wear anymore.
-a friend of mine gave me a bag of clothes that she can't fit anymore. From that stash I got a nice formal outfit, a tan blazer, a gray skirt, and gray dress pants---all for FREE!!
-another of my friends has treated me to like three meals over the past few week.
See! I stand back in awe of how God provides for me. How can I ever doubt Him when He comes thru every single time!
5. My family. We still have issues. But God...
Well I'm writing this at work and I officially feel bad so I'm going to cut this short and pick it up again later. It's been fun.
8.27.2009
FB is deep sumtimes
One of my "friends" on FB had this quote as her status:
"...some men see things as they are and say why, I dreamed things that never were and say why not..." (The Kennedy's)
Wow. I really like that. I want that to be the story of my life.6.16.2009
This speaks to me...
A quote from Tullian Tchividijian:
"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."
Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.
"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."
Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.
6.10.2009
Journals, Cooking, and God
Oh how I miss writing in a journal. I remember back in high school and early college when I wouldn't even feel right if I went even a few days without putting pen to page. It was good for me. My life from 10th grade until about my sophomore year in college was preserved. (I ended up burning my high school journals becuase honestly I felt like it was something God was leading me to do, but that's beside the point). I really think I'ma try and get back into this thing. It might start off with just once a week, but even that is better than my scattered once every couple of months entries that I've been throwing up here. And eventually I think I'll get back to the place where writing in my journal is just a regular part of my day rather than some every now and then event.
In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.
I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....
I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.
My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?
I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.
I love God. He doesn't give up on me.
Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.
In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.
I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....
I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.
My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?
I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.
I love God. He doesn't give up on me.
Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.
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