8.27.2009
6.16.2009
This speaks to me...
A quote from Tullian Tchividijian:
"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."
Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.
"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."
Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.
6.10.2009
Journals, Cooking, and God
Oh how I miss writing in a journal. I remember back in high school and early college when I wouldn't even feel right if I went even a few days without putting pen to page. It was good for me. My life from 10th grade until about my sophomore year in college was preserved. (I ended up burning my high school journals becuase honestly I felt like it was something God was leading me to do, but that's beside the point). I really think I'ma try and get back into this thing. It might start off with just once a week, but even that is better than my scattered once every couple of months entries that I've been throwing up here. And eventually I think I'll get back to the place where writing in my journal is just a regular part of my day rather than some every now and then event.
In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.
I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....
I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.
My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?
I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.
I love God. He doesn't give up on me.
Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.
In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.
I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....
I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.
My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?
I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.
I love God. He doesn't give up on me.
Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.
4.19.2009
On the Brink of Sumthin Special...
Church today was crazy good. The sermon hit me right in the gut and worship was a little slice of what I imagine heaven will be like. Pastor Andy talked about getting to a place where nothing matters more than knowing God...where your possessions, accomplishments, relationships are trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ. He also reminded us that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in us! And that if we want the power of resurrection in our lives we have to embrace the suffering that comes before it just like Jesus. Really when i think about the way Jesus went to the cross I am awestruck. His whole life He knew that the cross was inevitable, but when the time came He took it like a soldier cuz He knew what was on the other side. And MAN..........I cannot even wrap my mind around the joy he musta felt when He got up outta the tomb and He knew that the cross was behind Him never to be seen again. Whew!! I want to approach life like that. To march toward the hard thing.....to stare pain and suffering dead in the face and then come out on the other side. It scares me and thrills me all at the same time. I wanna be a soldier like Jesus was. Now the prelude to this awesome word was the song that was sung during offering. This guest worship leader from Fayetteville came and he truly ushered in the presence of God. The words of the song were powerful, and seeing a grown man truly pour out himself in worship like that was....wow. During those brief moments as we sung about presenting ourselves to God and letting Him have His way in us there was like a breaking that happenend inside of me. All I could do was scream "yes" and raise my hands to God. I am truly blessed to be a part of WOCC. God is always moving in that place.
I spent this last week on vaca. I went to NYC for a few days, had a day and a half of just chillin at home, and then I spent a day at the beach. I prolly coulda used another day or two at the beach, but I honestly think I am ready to get back to work. God is really moving within the HOPE Program and I am excited to jump back in. I think this vaca came at just the right time becasue I am about to jump into a stretch of three weeks where I have lots of presentations and work to get done.
So what has God been doing in my life? Well, He's been doing a whole lot. It's too much to recount at length, but I think a list will suffice. Here goes:
1. God has really been shattering my insecurity. I am beginning to see myself in a whole new way. I feel attractive. I like my body. I don't feel this pressue to perform perfectly on my job all the time. I feel freedom because I know that God created me to reach some people, not all people and so when some kids dont' respond to me, it's not because there's something wrong with me. I am much more willing to ask for help and input when it comes to HOPE. The anxiety of insecuity is no longer weighing on me like it once did. Praise God!
2. God has brought someone in my life who is dealing with insecurity issues and is always calling me to talk about her problems. I feel as tho God really showed me the root of her guy issues and because it is something that I have struggled with and that I am finally experiencing victory in, God can really use me to invest in her life.
3. I wanna do a 6 month commitment to the Lord. This was suggested by an author whose book we are reading in Chapter & Verse. Her suggestion came right at the time when I was feeling a deep longing to connect with the Lord in a deeper way and really pursue him more passionately. Now I am excited as I think about this time of really digging in and spending quality time with God. I want to start on May 1st.
4. Listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons lately on the book of Galatians. In reading that book and hearing his sermons, God has really exposed my judgementalness and legalism and He has really begun to break those things off of me. It's great!! I really am learning how to look on people with love rather than judgement. I am learning that the cure for legalism is really just loving Jesus. When I am head over heels for the Lord I will do whatever it takes to please Him no questions asked. It won't be a matter of making rules to keep myself in check or to have this standard of holiness that I have created. No. When I love Him the way the Bible talks about love, there is a radical freedom because obedience will just flow...which takes me to the next point....
5. Really it's all about loving Jesus. Being crazy, passionately, head over heels, out of my mind in love with Jesus Christ. Cuz when I love Him like that I'll do what it takes to know Him better. And when I love Him like that He becoomes the center of everything in my life. Cuz when I love Him like that nothing else really matters. And when I love Jesus with that kinda love, I will do all I can to point people to Him. It won't be about ministering to people with the goal of changing them from the outside in. It will be about ministeting to people with the goal of pointing them toward Jesus and helping them love Him more. Cuz when that happens everything else is transformed.
6. I don't feel so bad about wanting to look bette anymore. My friend Keke helped me with that. As a person who is bascially letting everyone know that she is a virgin, I need to come correct. I need to present myself in a way that proves that God's way is the best. How can I go around looking a mess telling teenagers that I'm a virgin and it's the best choice for the future. They're gonna be like of course she's a virgin....ain't nobody trying to get with her. Really though...I want to present myself in such a way that shows that when you follow God's plan it benefits you...it helps you....it makes you better not worse. I want young guys to see that if they want a high caliber woman they hafta step up and be men of character. I want young girls to see that being a virgin or abstaining from sex actually makes you more attractive and respectable, not less so.
7. My $$ seems to be stretching farther. I've been getting free meals. Today I got the sermon CD for free. I've been able to save which is something I haven't done in a while. I've been getting discounts. It's like my $$ is doing more than I expected it to do and in some cases it's not even having to be used. Praise God!!
Oh my...I could write for hours, but I have to go do my hair. I hope to do keep up with this journaling thing more regularly. I definitely need it. Good nite :-)
I spent this last week on vaca. I went to NYC for a few days, had a day and a half of just chillin at home, and then I spent a day at the beach. I prolly coulda used another day or two at the beach, but I honestly think I am ready to get back to work. God is really moving within the HOPE Program and I am excited to jump back in. I think this vaca came at just the right time becasue I am about to jump into a stretch of three weeks where I have lots of presentations and work to get done.
So what has God been doing in my life? Well, He's been doing a whole lot. It's too much to recount at length, but I think a list will suffice. Here goes:
1. God has really been shattering my insecurity. I am beginning to see myself in a whole new way. I feel attractive. I like my body. I don't feel this pressue to perform perfectly on my job all the time. I feel freedom because I know that God created me to reach some people, not all people and so when some kids dont' respond to me, it's not because there's something wrong with me. I am much more willing to ask for help and input when it comes to HOPE. The anxiety of insecuity is no longer weighing on me like it once did. Praise God!
2. God has brought someone in my life who is dealing with insecurity issues and is always calling me to talk about her problems. I feel as tho God really showed me the root of her guy issues and because it is something that I have struggled with and that I am finally experiencing victory in, God can really use me to invest in her life.
3. I wanna do a 6 month commitment to the Lord. This was suggested by an author whose book we are reading in Chapter & Verse. Her suggestion came right at the time when I was feeling a deep longing to connect with the Lord in a deeper way and really pursue him more passionately. Now I am excited as I think about this time of really digging in and spending quality time with God. I want to start on May 1st.
4. Listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons lately on the book of Galatians. In reading that book and hearing his sermons, God has really exposed my judgementalness and legalism and He has really begun to break those things off of me. It's great!! I really am learning how to look on people with love rather than judgement. I am learning that the cure for legalism is really just loving Jesus. When I am head over heels for the Lord I will do whatever it takes to please Him no questions asked. It won't be a matter of making rules to keep myself in check or to have this standard of holiness that I have created. No. When I love Him the way the Bible talks about love, there is a radical freedom because obedience will just flow...which takes me to the next point....
5. Really it's all about loving Jesus. Being crazy, passionately, head over heels, out of my mind in love with Jesus Christ. Cuz when I love Him like that I'll do what it takes to know Him better. And when I love Him like that He becoomes the center of everything in my life. Cuz when I love Him like that nothing else really matters. And when I love Jesus with that kinda love, I will do all I can to point people to Him. It won't be about ministering to people with the goal of changing them from the outside in. It will be about ministeting to people with the goal of pointing them toward Jesus and helping them love Him more. Cuz when that happens everything else is transformed.
6. I don't feel so bad about wanting to look bette anymore. My friend Keke helped me with that. As a person who is bascially letting everyone know that she is a virgin, I need to come correct. I need to present myself in a way that proves that God's way is the best. How can I go around looking a mess telling teenagers that I'm a virgin and it's the best choice for the future. They're gonna be like of course she's a virgin....ain't nobody trying to get with her. Really though...I want to present myself in such a way that shows that when you follow God's plan it benefits you...it helps you....it makes you better not worse. I want young guys to see that if they want a high caliber woman they hafta step up and be men of character. I want young girls to see that being a virgin or abstaining from sex actually makes you more attractive and respectable, not less so.
7. My $$ seems to be stretching farther. I've been getting free meals. Today I got the sermon CD for free. I've been able to save which is something I haven't done in a while. I've been getting discounts. It's like my $$ is doing more than I expected it to do and in some cases it's not even having to be used. Praise God!!
Oh my...I could write for hours, but I have to go do my hair. I hope to do keep up with this journaling thing more regularly. I definitely need it. Good nite :-)
2.23.2009
Living in Overdrive--Praying for Cruise Control!
That is how I would describe my life right now--overdrive. Work has gotten busier than ever which is exactly what I prayed for. I have presentations every week, HOPE is a part of a 10 week after-school program, connections are finally being made at WOCC, men are finally volunteering, and my calendar is looking messier everyday. Thank God for the activity. But in the thanking God I've realized that along with all these new opportunities, I need an extra measure of peace and grace and stillness. I am a person who gets overwhelmed easily when I have a lot of stuff going on. It's so easy for me to exhaust myself. I realized that last week. And praise God for showing me that early. I need to carefully guard my time, especially my time with HIM. I need to know my limits. I need to find and take advantage of moments of stillness during the day. My desire is to always possess a quiet and calm spirit that is in complete reliance on and communion with the Lord. Any other way and I will get burnt out, fed up, and overwhelmed.
Honestly I don't know how to do this yet. But i am taking it day by day. Praying and asking God to help me cultivate stillness. Taking deep breaths. Closing my eyes and saying short prayers at my desk, in my car, wherever. Focusing on Jesus. Because the Word tells me that He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because he trusts in Him. I will be honest and say that that verse comforts me and eludes me at the same time. It eases me to know that all i have to do is have a mind stayed on Him and peace will come. And then I realize I have no idea how to keep my mind stayed on Him and what that looks like practically. I need to include this in my prayer time. Lord, show me how to keep my mind stayed on You.
I have been struggling with gluttony lately. Which sucks because I just came out of a fast. It's like really though, Lakeisha did you learn anything? But now I realize that is just condemnation. It gets me nowhere. Anyway I realized that i was consciouly stuffing my face even when I wasn't hungry. It's like I couldn't say no to food. I couldn't put it down and come back to it later. Ugh. This is something I prayed about during the fast (I'll admit it wasn't any real fervent prayer) so I was frustrated to see it beomce an even more glaring issue. So just recently (like yesterday or this morning) I gave it to the Lord again. Looked back at a few Scriptures. And I thot about how not so great I've been feeling lately and how my food intake is surely a contribution to that. And today progress was made. Praise God! AT work there were cinammon rolls and I only ate one . I was so tempted to eat more than that, but I was able to tell my body no. Yay! Secondly, I took an apple for lunch along with my tuna. I was full after eating the tuna and instead of forcing the apple down I saved it. I didnt' even eat it later on in the day becuase I simply didnt' get hungry again. Double yay! And then I got home today and made popcorn. I made so much it couldn't all fit in the bowl so I left some. Well when I finished, I was on my way to get the bit I left something said to me, "your full, you don't need it" and that was that. I didn't touch it. Triple yay! I just need to rely on the Spirit of God to help me fight this battle. I cannot battle sin in my own power. I lose..as evidenced by my two week eating binge. No more. Sin cannot dominate me. Thank you Lord! It's just one day, but it encourages me to know that I've made some baby steps.
Um so yeah. Great things are happening. God is moving, But I see that I need to grow. I need a deeper rel.ship with God. I desire more. I love how things never get boring with God. He'll take you to a new level and it'll be exhilirating and thrilling and then you get to a point where that level has been maxed out. And you begin to seek more. And He takes you higher....and you're there for a bit until you realize "I want more" and there's still yet another level even tho it seemed like when you were at the previous level, life with God couldn't get any better. That blows my mind. I serve such a big God that no matter how many times I think "wow God could it get any better" the answer is always a resounding "YES!" and then He shows me how....
Honestly I don't know how to do this yet. But i am taking it day by day. Praying and asking God to help me cultivate stillness. Taking deep breaths. Closing my eyes and saying short prayers at my desk, in my car, wherever. Focusing on Jesus. Because the Word tells me that He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because he trusts in Him. I will be honest and say that that verse comforts me and eludes me at the same time. It eases me to know that all i have to do is have a mind stayed on Him and peace will come. And then I realize I have no idea how to keep my mind stayed on Him and what that looks like practically. I need to include this in my prayer time. Lord, show me how to keep my mind stayed on You.
I have been struggling with gluttony lately. Which sucks because I just came out of a fast. It's like really though, Lakeisha did you learn anything? But now I realize that is just condemnation. It gets me nowhere. Anyway I realized that i was consciouly stuffing my face even when I wasn't hungry. It's like I couldn't say no to food. I couldn't put it down and come back to it later. Ugh. This is something I prayed about during the fast (I'll admit it wasn't any real fervent prayer) so I was frustrated to see it beomce an even more glaring issue. So just recently (like yesterday or this morning) I gave it to the Lord again. Looked back at a few Scriptures. And I thot about how not so great I've been feeling lately and how my food intake is surely a contribution to that. And today progress was made. Praise God! AT work there were cinammon rolls and I only ate one . I was so tempted to eat more than that, but I was able to tell my body no. Yay! Secondly, I took an apple for lunch along with my tuna. I was full after eating the tuna and instead of forcing the apple down I saved it. I didnt' even eat it later on in the day becuase I simply didnt' get hungry again. Double yay! And then I got home today and made popcorn. I made so much it couldn't all fit in the bowl so I left some. Well when I finished, I was on my way to get the bit I left something said to me, "your full, you don't need it" and that was that. I didn't touch it. Triple yay! I just need to rely on the Spirit of God to help me fight this battle. I cannot battle sin in my own power. I lose..as evidenced by my two week eating binge. No more. Sin cannot dominate me. Thank you Lord! It's just one day, but it encourages me to know that I've made some baby steps.
Um so yeah. Great things are happening. God is moving, But I see that I need to grow. I need a deeper rel.ship with God. I desire more. I love how things never get boring with God. He'll take you to a new level and it'll be exhilirating and thrilling and then you get to a point where that level has been maxed out. And you begin to seek more. And He takes you higher....and you're there for a bit until you realize "I want more" and there's still yet another level even tho it seemed like when you were at the previous level, life with God couldn't get any better. That blows my mind. I serve such a big God that no matter how many times I think "wow God could it get any better" the answer is always a resounding "YES!" and then He shows me how....
12.18.2008
The List...created June 2007, but constantly updated
Spiritual:
prayer warrior - must have
hungry student and effective teacher of the Word - must have
sensitive to the Holy Spirit - must have
understands his authority as a believer - must have
knows his purpose and the path God has called him to - must have
teachable - must have
self controlled, esp wrt physical boundaries and spending and saving $$ - must have
a leader -must have
Physical:
good teeth
taller than me when I have on heels
basketball body, lean but muscular
nice lips
Personality:
decisive
creative
sense of humor - must have
thoughtful
very reliable
good listener
humble, patient, slow to anger - must have
can give words of affirmation
more outgoing than me
honest/open/vulnerable
able to verbally express emotions
stands up for others (a protector) - must have
Talents/Abilities:
good cook
enjoys bball and is a decent player
high financial intelligence
can sing - nice to have
Hobbies/Interests:
enjoys watching bball - must have
enjoys traveling
likes to drive - must have
does NOT want animals - must have
socially conscious
Other:
great rel.ship with his family - nice to have
good handyman - nice to have
virgin - must have
not currently dealing with porn issues -must have
other ppl speak highly of him
prayer warrior - must have
hungry student and effective teacher of the Word - must have
sensitive to the Holy Spirit - must have
understands his authority as a believer - must have
knows his purpose and the path God has called him to - must have
teachable - must have
self controlled, esp wrt physical boundaries and spending and saving $$ - must have
a leader -must have
Physical:
good teeth
taller than me when I have on heels
basketball body, lean but muscular
nice lips
Personality:
decisive
creative
sense of humor - must have
thoughtful
very reliable
good listener
humble, patient, slow to anger - must have
can give words of affirmation
more outgoing than me
honest/open/vulnerable
able to verbally express emotions
stands up for others (a protector) - must have
Talents/Abilities:
good cook
enjoys bball and is a decent player
high financial intelligence
can sing - nice to have
Hobbies/Interests:
enjoys watching bball - must have
enjoys traveling
likes to drive - must have
does NOT want animals - must have
socially conscious
Other:
great rel.ship with his family - nice to have
good handyman - nice to have
virgin - must have
not currently dealing with porn issues -must have
other ppl speak highly of him
9.20.2008
The Rock
I was reading on the Boundless site the other day and I saw a quote that made me pause and think. It said, "I'd rather fall on the Rock and be ruined, than have the Rock fall on me and be destroyed." Whew. Good one.
More to come lata....I just had to get that out.
More to come lata....I just had to get that out.
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