My Birthday Weekend

My birthday has come and gone and here I sit with my 23 y/o self. And I must say...I have this deep, peaceful assurance that this year of my life is going to be nothing short of amazing. Maybe it's becuz 23 started out with a bang. You wouldn't think that it would after reading my depressing pre-birthday post, but I am so thankful that God has the power to change a situation before you even have time to blink. It went down like this....

Thursday: Went to work and had a pleasant day. After work, I along with a few friends, went to my co-workers house. She and her husband invited us over for a birthday dinner. It was such a nice time. The food was good. Her husband is like this gourmet chef and she ain't no slouch either. We talked. We laffed. We heard their love story. We looked at pictures. It was a nice, low-key evening that I really enjoyed. It really made me feel loved that she and her husband would invite me and my friends into their home and cook for us just to celebrate my birthday even tho I haven't known them that long. Neway during the nite my co-worker said 2 things that I'm sure will have a profound effect on my life for the rest of my life:
1. It's possible to be pure and passionate in a rel.ship. She said that when she and her husband were dating they really wanted to have a pure rel.ship but they also wanted to enjoy the passion that comes from being in love. She mentioned how as Christians we get so caught up in the dating rules-- can't do this, can't touch that, can't kiss too long--that we become all rigid and passionless in our rel.ships. And it dawned on me......that is what I want too!!! I want to be perfectly pure and perfectly passionate. I don't wanna be so adamant about rel.ship rules that ppl can't even tell me and my man are actually very much in love with and attracted to one another. See what I mean? Totally changed my life.
2. Yes it's ok to have a list of qualities, but make sure these qualities focus more on character than on the traits you think are necessary to match up with you. She said that she had this prototype and her husband did not perfectly fit these things. However he is exactly what she needs and he has seeds of all the traits she thought were absolutely necessary. He isn't very musical, but he has an appreciation of music. He hasn't traveled a lot, but he has a definite appreciation for other cultures and languages. It's like I need to stop focusing so much on how I think I need a man to fit with me and instead focus on godly character traits. Not to say I'ma throw away my list and completely forget everything, but I just know that I need to adjust my approach and my thinking just a bit.

Friday: Cooked a delectable breakfast of omelets and potatoes. Went to Barnes and Noble. Took some time to do a "life assessment." It was great to sit down and answer the question, What do I want my life to look like? I wrote down things I definitely want to see in my life within the next year and I realized that I haven't taken full advantage of my singleness. I haven't made the most of my time. And so I have this great desire for a rel.ship and marriage, but at the same time I have this great desire to spend a little more time as a single so that I can really take advantage of this special time of life that God has placed me in. It's weird. I never thought I would get to this place. There's a lot I wanna do and I need to make up for lost time. And I feel like if I want an exciting, adventurous guy who really lives life to the fullest I need to be that kinda woman.

Saturday: Went to the beach with Michael and Janel and his family. It was fun in a low-key, chill kinda way. There was good food. Good company. And I really appreciated how hospitable and inviting Michael's family was. They just took me in like I'd been around them for the longest time. That night I had a great convo with Tiera as I shared with her my life assessment notes from Barnes and Noble. It was so amazing cuz God was all up in that convo. First when I told her about my desire to start writing again she said that she was just asking God to send her someone to write a piece for her and immediately she thought of me. So lately she's been thinking about asking me to write something for her. WOWOW!!! Blew my mind. THEN....I told her how I wanted to start exercising and stretching and she told me that during a convo with Natasha she said she thinks that before I'm in a rel.ship I need to start exercising. WOWOWOW again!!! Apparently she was going to bring it up to me, but she didn't have to because God had already laid it on my heart. Man....God never ceases to amaze me. I love Him! This convo wuz just confirmation of everything that has been swirling around in my heart.

Sunday: Had a powerful convo with my mom. She was giving me this great testimony of all that God is doing in my family. She said she really felt God speaking to her this weekend abt Zay....not worrying abt him and releasing him to God. That she was letting doubt get in the way of what God has already done in his life. It was so great to hear this from her....she sounded so joyful and so sure.....and it made me happy. Then she told me how at church today Zay was participating more in the service. More answers to prayer. Then she told me abt my dad.....how he's realized that he can't expect his sons to have a strong rel.ship with God if he doesn't. He said something to effect of wanting to get back his passion for God. And yet another answer. God is all up in my family...shaking things up and bringing awesome change. I am thrilled. And talking to my mom it reminded me of what a praying woman she is. I really think that is a legacy she has passed on to me and it's so great to think that because my mom is a praying woman, I too am a praying woman. I told her something that I've always wanted to tell her and my dad....that I know they are praying parents and I know that it is because of their prayers that I am where I am today. I just wanted her to know that I appreciate all those years of fervent, effectual prayer!

Whew! It was an amazing weekend. I really love how God was just speaking to me and showing me things and bringing confirmation and answering prayer all weekend long. I feel all stirred up with excitement and passion for my Lord. 23 is just now gettin started and it's already crazy good....can't wait to see what is next!

Quotable Quotes

I stumbled upon this great quote by Albert Einstein:

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

Wow. Nuff said.

I get weird on my birthday...

So my birthday is 2morrow. I will be 23. That is a weird number to me. You know I have a thing with odd numbers. And besides that I can't ascribe a cool saying or a great milestone to it. For example...at 20 I was no longer a teenager, at 21 I was legal, at 22 I went around saying I'm the double deuce....but 23....what do you have for that? I know this sounds really negative, but I don't mean it to be....it's just a thought I had.....

But really tho, I'm not really a big birthday person. And I don't know why. I wonder is it like a catch-22: is it because i'm not a birthday person that people don't make a big deal of it or is it becasue people don't make a big deal of it that i'm not a birthday person. Hmmm I honestly can't figure that one out.

I'm a really introspective person so things like a new year or a birthday or an anniversary always send me into this deep reflection mode. The other night as I laid in bed thinking about my impending day of birth I became overwhelmed with the scary feeling that my life is boring and mundane because I'm not putting forth the effort needed to make things happen. I have all these lofty goals and personal things I want to see happen, but none of them have come to fruition. That's nobody's fault but my own. And I was like "oh no I'm in my 20's and they are definitely not roaring." There is a litany of things I want to see in my life, but they are still on the list of want to rather than the list of already done. For the longest I've said I want to learn how to do makeup. Have I done it? No. For the longest I've been saying I want to get more involved in active ministry at WOCC? Have I done it? No. For the longest I've been saying I need to start a teeth whitening regimine. Have I done it? Not at all. I want to volunteer. I want to travel. I want to so many things, but what have I done to set things in motion and go after what I want. Nothing.

Not to say that 22 wasn't great because it was. I praise God for the growth and change I've seen in my life. I have learned to trust God in an all or nothing I have no other choice kind of way. I've learned that I am engaged in a spiritual battle everyday of my life and I must fight back. I must remember who my real enemy is and be prepared for war. I have seen the hand of God in my family like never before. I have learned how to listen even more closely to that still small voice of the Holy Spirit. I've been able to look back and see how God prepared me for certain moments and situations b4 they came. I more sensitive to sin in my life. My desire for a godly rel.ship and a husband and a family have flourished dramatically. I could go on and on.

But even with all that I have the kind of personality where I tend to focus more on the things that went wrong and the things that could be improved. I hate complacency and I hate being stagnant and I always feel like I need to be working on something. There is always some trait, some goal, some area in my life that could be worked on. Sometimes I think this is a great perspective and attitude to have because it keeps me on my toes and then other times I think...."Really tho...you need to stop being so uptight and just live girl." Balance is the key and as you can see the Lord is still working that out in me. I am still under construction. He began a good work in me and He will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.

Anyway, I'm believing and declaring right now that 23 will be better than 22. That more than anything I will experience a deeper more intimate rel.ship with my Jesus. At 23 I will be a better servant. 23 will be adventurous. 23 will be the end of my residence in a place called "my comfort zone." No more of that. 23 will see amazing things happen in my family and on my job. Dare I say it...23 will see the blossoming of a new rel.ship. I am not at all unahappy in my singleness, but while I enjoy this season I always eagerly anticipate the joys and challenges of the next. God is preparing me (and him) for something greater than ourselves. At 23 I will pray more fervently for my husband, for our rel.ship, for our marriage, for our sex life, for our children, for our everything. I once heard it said that prayer should be a pre-emptive strike. That's how my parents prayed for me and so that is how I will pray for my family as well.

Well I'm tired and no telling when my computer will cut off without warning so I better go. Happy Birthday to me :-)

A MishMash of Thoughts

So we move into our new place on August 15th. One more month and I will be a Bull City resident. Who woulda thunk it? I need to start praying for furniture and decorating ideas. The apartment is just so nice that you can't just throw any ole kinda furniture in there. And right now I don't have the money to do anything major so.....it's gonna hafta be a God thing.

Speaking of God....the conference this past week was great. Marvin Sapp's message was by far the most challenging and it made me realize these things:
1. Major increase doesn't come w/o major sacrifice. I been looking for increase in my spiritual life and in my finances, but what have I been willing to give up to get there? Not very much I am sad to say. If I ain't willing to sacrifice then I ain't got no bizness praying for increase.
2. I still have not let go of a certain someone. There is still this idea in my head that nobody else can be as good for me as he seemed to be. I am still living in the past...comparing guyz to him and basically not having the faith that God has something better. I can't walk in my destiny if I'm still living in my history.
3. My new job is forcing me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. It's forcing me to grow up. It's forcing me to speak up. It's forcing me to put myself out there. It's forcing me to make connections and network. It's forcing me to delegate responsibilities, and manage a staff, and so many other things that just aren't easy and comfortable for me. I praise God that He is getting me out of that comfortable place, but it certainly ain't easy. Sometimes I long for that comfortable place again, but I know that when I am comfortable I don't grow. And that is not an option.

Last week at work was fun . I presented to kids at this camp in Durham and I gave a presentation at my old job in CH. It was great being out of the office and I liked getting to know the volunteers better. The kids at the camp are rowdy, but they are so smart and so fun to be around. They are really starting to open up about their lives and I am looking forward to the opportunities we have this week to really pour into them and love on them.

I got my hair cut really short. Honestly it's not what I wanted, but praise God my hair grows back fast. That's why I never get distraught over a haircut...because I know that in about a month, it will have grown out considerably.

This post is boring. And I have nothing else to say. So I'm out.

Prayer and Roommates

Today was great. Not in an overwhelming, explosive, tell the world kind of way, but in a smile to yourself, peaceful, I know God loves me kind of way. I love days like these....

First of all Pastor Andy preached about prayer yesterday. It was a challenging message that I carried with me and continued to meditate on. One thing he mentioned was how sometimes God'll answer a prayer we haven't even prayed yet, and that happenend to me at work today. I was talking with my co-worker and she told me about htis financial seminar they are having at King's Park taught by Dave Ramsey. Apparently he's this spiritually grounded financial guru who really helped her and her husband get their money situation in order and plan for the future. I was ecstatic to hear this because one of the things on my heart lately has been the desire to be financially sound and wise and prepared for the future. I just didn't know how to approach it. But this financial seminar is exactly what I didn't know I was looking for. He talks about saving, investing, stocks, retirement, buying a house, and all that real life stuff that they don't teach you in college. The seminiar is not free so I will be asking my daddy for the funds to pay for it, but I think he'll be excited to pay for something like this.

So in thinking about Pastor Andy's message on prayer I took a radical step during my prayer time. I started praying about my sex life with my future husband. Crazy huh? I mean I never considered praying for good sex....the only prayer I've prayed about sex is that God will help me to NOT have it while I'm single lol. But I thought...you know...God created sex and I want to have sex the way God intended. I want it to be everything God meant for it to be. And since I pray about everything else, why not this? I feel like it was a breakthrough moment because it spurs me to pray in more radical ways. Also I think it'll make the waiting easier in some ways. Of course I say that now when I don't have a boyfriend, but really...you know how when you pray and invite God into something, your heart and your desires and your picture of how it should be lines up with His. So as I pray for an amazing, God-honoring, fun, exciting, passionate, intimate, God-designed sex life....I expect for the wait to be easier since I'll be getting a more clearer vision of what exactly I am waiting for.

Another great part of my day....my roommate came to me in a very gracious and mature way and proceeded to begin a convo in which we addressed some issues that we've both allowed to become points of contention. It was very freeing and honest and challenging and helpful. I think I have an issue with confrontation because I always question whether or not the issue I'm having is just me being selfish or self centered. Another reason is that sometimes I just don't feel like I can say things without being harsh or mean. But today taught me that I need to deal with those issues and be ready and willing to confront things on head on. I know that if I seek God He will reveal when I am being self centered and selfish and He will make it clear when my concern is legitimate. He will also help me confront people lovingly. So really I have no excuse.

Having a roommate who is so vastly different from me in temperament and personality is a a great tool to mold me into the conformity of Christ. It is a challenge, but a very good one that I appreciate it because it exposes selfishness and greed and forgiveness and pride and probably a whole bunch of other stuff that I don't even recognize yet. It stretches me. And I feel as though it is great preparation for marriage and just for life in general. Knowing how I am, solitary living would be an incubator for all kinds of un-Christlike attitudes. And so I am grateful for my roommate and I'm grateful that God loves me enough to change me.

So I have a presentation 2morrow. Actually 2 presentations. I will be giving a brief info session about PSS in CH and then I will be going to a summer camp to talk to kids about abstinence and goals. I should probably go to bed considering what I have ahead of me in the AM. I'll let you know how it goes. G'nite.

I wanna live a life that's worth it

A couple of days ago I found out that one of my old middle school friends is now a widow. Her husband died on duty in Afghanistan. He was only 24. I have not spoken to this girl for years and years, but for some reason I was devastated. When I found out, I started crying and my tears surprised me. Usually when I'm so far removed from a situation their grief doesn't impact so deeply, but this time it did.

I think it's connected to the fact that Eve's death still seems so fresh to me. At times I still can't believe that somebody I saw and talked to almost everyday was murdered. And she was so young. I made the mistake of reading the latest new reports about her last hours and how she died. Death is starting to hit very close to home. People my age are dying. People I know are dying. People who have a full life ahead of them are dying.

And it makes me think, that coulda been me. It makes me think, if I was to leave this earth today would my life have mattered. It kinda spurs me to action.....it makes me wanna really live. Like I want to get to the end of every day and think I made a difference for the Lord today....I have fought the good fight...I have kept the faith. And if I'm honest with myself, I can't say that right now.

More on this lata.