I just love Him....

Wow. That is really the only word to describe what happened yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot of Githens Middle School. It is something that will remain vividly in my mind until the day I die. Why? Becuz God showed up...and He showed up big. I think of that verse...He will show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is completely His...and yesterday He showed up for me. This is how it went down:

I had just finished presenting to two 8th grade classes of boys. It was a really good time, esp the 1st class cuz they really opened up and asked good questions and expressed their issues and concerns with the whole abstinence thing. It was one of those classes where afterward I'm just floored becuz of how I was able to connect with the kids. Anyway as I went on my lunch break I got the snese that I should call Harold and tell him about my presentations and then tell him that this ministry is something that he would be good at and I would love for him to join me. So I called him and I told him. And he just dissolved into tears right there on the phone and so you know I started crying too. And right there in my car as I talked to my brother, I experienced God's awesome power. He told me about how he's tired of the lifestyle he's living and that God keeps putting men of God in his life. As he talked I kept thinking of those countless prayers that I've prayed and so many others have prayed for him....and I realized that God is answering them. And it's not just a slow trickle either. It's like a deluge of God's power working in my brother's life. As usual, God has astounded me.

It was the first time I've ever experienced something where I felt so strongly the impression of the Holy Spirit to say such a specific thing. And it was amazing cuz I saw what can happen when I obey God's leading IMMEDIATELY!! It was like the words God told me to speak were the words Harold needed to hear and they went straight to his heart. And I remember as I was talking to him the words just came out...I didn't even really think about them. It was just...when I opened my mouth...I automatically knew what to say becuz as the verse says "I opened my mouth and God filled it!!!"

Wow Lord. Really though? I'm in awe.

And then if that weren't enuff, He keeps pouring on the financial blessings. In addition to the extra $200/mo that I now have WITHOUT the addition of a PT job, I just so happen to have an extra $87 this month becuz of a technicality with my car insurance payments. When it happened I just sat on bed and kinda just smiled incredulously thinking, "God you've done it again!"

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

That is how I feel when I think about the God I serve and the way He keeps blowing my mind. He's sooooo good. And He loves me and He takes care of me and He doesn't hold my sins against me and He's just......wow.

**********
So there is this guy I know who has been in my life for quite awhile now. But now I'm starting to look at him differently and I'm starting to get a vibe from him that makes me wonder if he's starting to look at me differently too. I've noticed him staring at me as of late in a way that causes my heart to skip just a bit. And there have been a few other things too....his compliments, him being all up in my personal space....and it all makes me a bit nervous. I guess cuz I never thot I would or could be attracted to him. And now....I think I am. And that is freaking me out just a little. And so yeah. I need to bring it before the Lord. Right now it's just a bunch of thoughts tumbling around in my head and that is never a good thing. Also I've been thinking more about sex and sensual stuff and being close to a guy in a physical way. That isn't good for me. But I must be honest and say sometimes I indulge it becuz I feel like I'm so close to being with a man and that as a 24 year old virgin it's impossible not to indulge. It's bad logic I know. Forgive me Lord. Help me stay pure.

This week I had a dream where a lady told me that thinks I am about to be in a relationship. When I asked why, she simply said it was because she felt a certain vibe whenever she's around me. Whatever that means. Oh well. Lord I give it all to you. What else can I do? Help me.....I need it.

Pancakes and Prayer

Today after prayer at WOCC I decided that I wanted a really good breakfast, but I didn't want to cook it. My first thought was to get a chicken biscuit from Chick-fil-A, but halfway there the desire for McDonald's pankcakes came over me and the chicken biscuit was quickly forgotten. I got a stack of 3 "hot cakes" for $2.18!!! And oh the smell....as soon I started to drive off from the window, the smell of the the heavenly pancakes started to fill my car and this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but I almost couldn't take it. Like seriously, I wanted to pull over and devour them on the side of the road. I kept thinking how fast can I get home and inhale these. Oh the aroma of McDonald's will not soon be forgotten. I have come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite smells of all time. I remember thinking as I drove up to my apartment: These pancakes are a gift from God :-) Yeah, seriously that's how much I fell in love with the smell. They tasted really good too, but not nearly as good as they smelled :-)

One of my favorite things about being a Christian is being witness to the moving of the Holy Spirit in a group of believers. Take prayer for example. I had prayer with my roommates Monday night and then with the CV ladies Thursday night. And I find that oftentimes duirng these times I will have a feeling in my heart or a desire to pray for something, but before I do somebody else prays the exact same thing. Other times somebody will pray and addresses something in my life that I totally didn't even mention. Recently at KPIC all night prayer I paired up with a young lady at the suggestion of the minister leading the event and we prayed for each other. We didn't talk beforehand, we just started praying. And I was awestruck as I listened to her prayer...it was definitely Spirit led prayer as she mentioned my heart for purity and she prayed for my words when I speak in front of people. She only found out what I did for a living AFTER we finished praying. Another thing that I am ecstatic about is when God births a vision or a passion for something in several different people at the same time. I know for a fact that God is birthing in me a heart for a Durham and a desire to see this city, esp. the young people, overtaken by God...it's like a sense I have that God wants to do a powerful work here that will require fervent, effective prayer. In talking to my roommate she has the same sense. And so does one of the ladies that attends Tuesday morning prayer at Reality. And so does this lady Mimi mentioned to me on Friday. This "desire for Durham" is a collective vision/burden/passion and it's been spurred by God alone....

Today Pastor Nate spoke on this verse: I am fully persuaded that what God has promised He is also able to perform. That Scripture resonated within me and I immediately wrote it down and started saying it to myself. From now on I will face life being fully persuaded that what my God has promised to me He is also able to perform it. This verse reminded me of the other night during CV prayer how I really felt as though I encountered the presence of God. Why? Because I was overwhelmed by a sense of His power and ability to do...anything. And in that moment of seeing God for who He was, I was faced with my own doubt and unbelief. In the face of such a powerful and sovereign God, how can I ever doubt Him? That is one thing that truly grieves my heart and I know it grieves His....that I can still after all He's done and all He's shown Himself to be in my life doubt Him. Lord help me to trust you forever and always with everything no matter what.

I want to start praying for random people. I am reading this book and he talks about how he's seen amazing things happen just from praying with people in public. Waitresses, bartenders, people at the subway station....all coming to know the Lord after a simple question of "how can I pray for you?" I want to be a person who is always ready to prayer no matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel. People need God. I know this God that they so desperately need. Why am I holding Him hostage? It's time to pray.

I can't stay here!

It's time for some changes in my life. I have this sense that there is bout to be this awesome explosion of God's power and presence and blessing and I don't want to get left behind. I think one of my biggest fears is God moving and me missing it. I want to be where God is. I want to be tuned into exactly what He's doing and I want to be right there in the mix. Why? Becuz I don't want to be where God is not. I don't want to be involved in endeavors that He ain't even ordain. What's the point? I know the feeling of knowing you are in the midst of where God is and I also know the feeling of doing things totally apart from Him. I prefer the former.

And so what does this look like? Well first God has called me to a life of prayer. I am an intercessor not because I think it's cool or it's what I want to do...it's becuase God has placed that on my life. And honestly I have not taken that seriously enough. Yes I pray. And a lot of time I enjoy prayer. Other times it's the last thing I want to do. But this is bigger than that. I want to live and breathe prayer. It's the only way that ANYTHING will happen. It's the only way I will get in touch with the heart of God. It's during prayer that the secret things will be revealed. I want that. I need that. And so do the unbelievers that I come in contact with everyday. What would the HOPE Program look like if it were bathed prayer. What would my life look like if it were saturated in fervent, effective prayer? What would my family, my future, my friends be like if heaven were constantly bombarded with prayers concerning them? I hope to soon find out. This is not a joke anymore. It's not somethign to play around with it. I have to stop talking about how vital prayer is and actually show with my life how vital prayer is. Jesus always lives to make intercession for me. How awesome!? My Savior prays for me....like for real? The very thot makes me giddy. And to think that in the ministry of intercession I get to partner with Him. Oh yes. IT IS ON!

In order to do this, I'm looking forward to radical changes in my life. I have set aside Tuesday nights as me and God time. No meetings, no dinners, no TV, no nothing. Just me and Him...doing whatever needs to be done. This is my 2nd week and I actually get excited about it. Like today as I left work, I had this expectancy about my date with Him. Also Saturday mornings my goal is to return to Saturday morning prayer. Those times were always so sweet and I have been lazy, not wanting to get up and I've been missing it. Also I remember when for a brief stretch of time I was leaving the house early and having my JAM sessions at places near PSS. And I remember what a great time that was....I felt like I was clearly hearing from God and that I really had an appetite for the thigns of God and I felt more calm. And when I stopped I could tell the difference. I need to return to that. Not out of a sense of legalism and checking something off my list, but but out of a sense of desperation...I NEED TIME WITH THE LORD! Simple as that. Also I know God is calling me to more fervent and focused times of prayer concerning my school presentations and concerning the ministry at Reality Center. Nothing will happen apart from Him. Prayer, devling into the Word, more prayer, fasting.....it's time to step up my game son. My rel.ship with God is only as deep and as close as I want it to be. I went to a conference this weekend and the speaker asked this question: "how much of this holy God can I encounter?" That is what I want to find out. It's time for a change.

And this shift will seem totally unrelated BUT it's not. I've had men on the brain. Not unusual for me, but I think one day recently i was thinking about relationships and marraige and men and I almost started to cry. Ugh. The desire is there, but I am slowly (very slowly learning) to throw that desire right back to God and let Him do what He wants with it. I have never been close to a man in a romantic way and I want to know what that is like, but I refuse to let that become my #1 focus. I refuse to let preparation for a husband override preparation for my meeting with Jesus. I can't do it. So yes I want it. I want it bad. But I just have to keep taking that to the Lord and digging deeper into the depths of who He is. My friend told me that the more she digs into the Word, the less she thinks about whole marriage/men/rel.ship thing. She's right. I am taking her advice. Again prayer is very necessary here. Lord, I am trusting you with this part of my life. I truly believe you have something mind-blowing for me with regard to this, but sometimes I doubt. Help my unbelief. Let my desire for you consume me. "I want to be consumed." (shout out to Anthony Evans for the quote)

I consistently find myself thinking about guys (old ones and new ones who come into my life) and wondering if they are the one for me. Is this normal? I totally want to kill these thots and never have them again.

What do you do when you want to dig into the Word, but you don't know what to read or you don't have a particular inclination toward a certain subject or book or passage or person? I've never been one of those just open it up and read the first thing your eye falls on type of people. I've been thinking about just going back to the Gospels. What would be good for me right now Lord?

Okay time for me to get off this thing and enjoy the rest of my time here at B&N without staring at a computer screen. I wonder what the rest of the night holds....

Don't tell anybody this but....

This is embarrasing to admit, but I will do it anyway: I have a blog crush. Simply put, I have a crush on someone whose blog I frequent quite regularly. It's this white dude in Atlanta named Stuart McDonald and for some reason I am quite captivated by him. Number one-he's white and I rarely look twice at a white dude. Number two-he's cute. Number three- he seems enthralled with black women. Number four-he seems to be one of those rare guys who like women just as they are...no stipulations about hair type and length, no crazy expectations about make-up and other things...in his writing he comes across as the type of man who a woman could be herself around and feel completely and totally at ease. And I think for black women that is insanely attractive because so much of what we are expected to look like isn't the real us or it isn't a standard all of us live up to - permed hair, long hair, thin, light skin. Ugh. I'm sick of the standards. Just let a woman be who she is. And so I think that is my attraction to Stu (see I've already given him a nickname hehe). And as I think about it more I must commend Stu for his writing--the fact that I could develop a crush on someone simply because of what they write and how they write really speaks volumes about his talent. How amazing it is that someone's words could capture the essence of who they are and what they are all about to such an extent that a person reading those words could be genuinely attracted to that person. Stu has inspired me to be a better blogger and a better writer. The written word is a powerful thing and reading his words has reminded me of that. Thanks Stu.

So this week was one of those exhausting in a good way kinda weeks. It was one of those weeks where I repeatedly sigh contentedly and say I love my job. It was one of those weeks where God reminded me of just how exciting it is to live this life with Him and for Him. Monday it began with me almost getting into a horrible car accident, but God. He protected me and kept me calm and saved my life. Then I had a presentation at Cedar Ridge which was soooo fun. I love high school kids. Next on the agenda was the Reality Center high school group. I had a lesson plan and God totally led in another direction. What he had was so much better! Our hour together ended with a discussion of religion vs. relationship, knowing truth, and a group prayer. Aww how sweet it was. I walked outta that place practically floating. Wednesday and Thursday I had presentations at Jordan. Again, the kids were hilarious and I had such a good time with them. Oh and how could I forget...the week started with the most amazing, mind-blowing, heaven-like church service I've ever been to. It was crazy!! God was all up in that place and everybody just lost their minds lol. People were praising God at a whole nother level. P. Nate got up to start the service and had to sit right back down and let the praise team come right back up cuz we just kept on praising. Aaaahhhh experiences like that just can't be put into words. Then P. Brian preached a sermon that went straight to my heart about resurrection power bieng alive in us. The dead things in my life don't have to stay dead. They can and they will live. He even gave his testimony at the end and his awareness of God's grace was so evident as he cried and jumped around the stage in praise to the God who saved his life. God is so good to us...that even while we're still on this earth he gives us a glimpse of heaven. The God I serve is real and no one can convince me otherwise.

More to come...

I have been attacked, but God...

And so our off again-on again relationship continues. I just can't seem to commit to writing on a regular basis. It's quite sad. And I'm sorry. I know I said this last time, but I will do better. Definitely not everyday...let's start slow and say I'll post once every two weeks. I think that is doable.

So yeah. Lots going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart. Oh where to begin? How about a list:

1. I have been blindsided by crippling insecurity issues. For the past two weeks or so I have been feeling like I used to feel back in middle and high school--ugly and like no guy would ever be attracted to me. WHAT IS THAT? Ugh. I'm sick of it. I am a grown woman and grown woman are secure...right? Well the Lord spoke to me and let me know that this is a straight up attack from the enemy. And I totally feel that. It feels very oppressive and overwhelming. And it makes so much sense...lately I've been talking to my middle and high school girls about value and beauty and rising above what the media says and in the midst of that I have been dealing with those very issues. For me this is a wake-up call--I thought I was 100% secure in Jesus, but I'm not and I refuse to stay in this place. So i'm praying about this and digging deep and reflecting on the Word and being more vigilant about what thoughts I let float around in my head.

2. My digestive system has been outta whack lately. It's like every time I eat, I feel weird which is a tragedy for me cuz I enjoy food so much. And so I am gonna try and detox my system by restricting my diet. The plan is to drink lots of Naked Juice and only eat fruits and veggies. So far today drank 16oz. of Naked Juice and ate a salad for lunch. I ate some rice in between those things and tonight I agreed to go to Champps with a friend and order nachos....so yeah. I'm not there yet. But it's a start....

3. Maybe this insecurity issues means I'm not as ready for a rel.ship as I thought I was :-/

4. Celebrities need prayer. Too many times Christians (myself included) sit around and talk about famous people and how crazy/egocentric/weird/sinful/stupid they are. And then we get smug becuase we aren't like that or at least we think we aren't. How sad. God used this whole Kanye fiasco to convict me and to remind me that I need to be praying for people in the limelight rather than dissecting their moral failings. A lot of time we help contribute to the issues these people have becuz we are so obsessed with them. And what does that say of us?

4. God answers prayer. No one can ever convince me otherwise. He hears us and then He answers. Often times in ways that are different than what we expected, but better than we could have every imagined. Case in point: becuz finances are tight I have been praying this way, "Lord please stretch my money. Make my dollar go farther than the average dollar. Make it so that my money doesn't even spend. Lord, stuff that I usually have to pay for, give it to me for free. Give me discounts on things that I usually pay full price for. Amen" When I first started praying this..it was kinda feeble and I didn't really see how God could do it, but the faith behind it grew stronger. And I love how God works becuz he is using people in my life to bring about the answer to this prayer. Here are some examples:
-one weekend when I was running low on food, my coworker and her husband invited me over for lunch.
-my coworker just walked into my office and gave me some jewelery she doesn't wear anymore.
-a friend of mine gave me a bag of clothes that she can't fit anymore. From that stash I got a nice formal outfit, a tan blazer, a gray skirt, and gray dress pants---all for FREE!!
-another of my friends has treated me to like three meals over the past few week.
See! I stand back in awe of how God provides for me. How can I ever doubt Him when He comes thru every single time!

5. My family. We still have issues. But God...

Well I'm writing this at work and I officially feel bad so I'm going to cut this short and pick it up again later. It's been fun.

FB is deep sumtimes

One of my "friends" on FB had this quote as her status:

"...some men see things as they are and say why, I dreamed things that never were and say why not..." (The Kennedy's)

Wow. I really like that. I want that to be the story of my life.

This speaks to me...

A quote from Tullian Tchividijian:

"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."

Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.

Journals, Cooking, and God

Oh how I miss writing in a journal. I remember back in high school and early college when I wouldn't even feel right if I went even a few days without putting pen to page. It was good for me. My life from 10th grade until about my sophomore year in college was preserved. (I ended up burning my high school journals becuase honestly I felt like it was something God was leading me to do, but that's beside the point). I really think I'ma try and get back into this thing. It might start off with just once a week, but even that is better than my scattered once every couple of months entries that I've been throwing up here. And eventually I think I'll get back to the place where writing in my journal is just a regular part of my day rather than some every now and then event.

In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.

I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....

I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.

My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?

I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.

I love God. He doesn't give up on me.

Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.

On the Brink of Sumthin Special...

Church today was crazy good. The sermon hit me right in the gut and worship was a little slice of what I imagine heaven will be like. Pastor Andy talked about getting to a place where nothing matters more than knowing God...where your possessions, accomplishments, relationships are trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ. He also reminded us that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in us! And that if we want the power of resurrection in our lives we have to embrace the suffering that comes before it just like Jesus. Really when i think about the way Jesus went to the cross I am awestruck. His whole life He knew that the cross was inevitable, but when the time came He took it like a soldier cuz He knew what was on the other side. And MAN..........I cannot even wrap my mind around the joy he musta felt when He got up outta the tomb and He knew that the cross was behind Him never to be seen again. Whew!! I want to approach life like that. To march toward the hard thing.....to stare pain and suffering dead in the face and then come out on the other side. It scares me and thrills me all at the same time. I wanna be a soldier like Jesus was. Now the prelude to this awesome word was the song that was sung during offering. This guest worship leader from Fayetteville came and he truly ushered in the presence of God. The words of the song were powerful, and seeing a grown man truly pour out himself in worship like that was....wow. During those brief moments as we sung about presenting ourselves to God and letting Him have His way in us there was like a breaking that happenend inside of me. All I could do was scream "yes" and raise my hands to God. I am truly blessed to be a part of WOCC. God is always moving in that place.

I spent this last week on vaca. I went to NYC for a few days, had a day and a half of just chillin at home, and then I spent a day at the beach. I prolly coulda used another day or two at the beach, but I honestly think I am ready to get back to work. God is really moving within the HOPE Program and I am excited to jump back in. I think this vaca came at just the right time becasue I am about to jump into a stretch of three weeks where I have lots of presentations and work to get done.

So what has God been doing in my life? Well, He's been doing a whole lot. It's too much to recount at length, but I think a list will suffice. Here goes:

1. God has really been shattering my insecurity. I am beginning to see myself in a whole new way. I feel attractive. I like my body. I don't feel this pressue to perform perfectly on my job all the time. I feel freedom because I know that God created me to reach some people, not all people and so when some kids dont' respond to me, it's not because there's something wrong with me. I am much more willing to ask for help and input when it comes to HOPE. The anxiety of insecuity is no longer weighing on me like it once did. Praise God!
2. God has brought someone in my life who is dealing with insecurity issues and is always calling me to talk about her problems. I feel as tho God really showed me the root of her guy issues and because it is something that I have struggled with and that I am finally experiencing victory in, God can really use me to invest in her life.
3. I wanna do a 6 month commitment to the Lord. This was suggested by an author whose book we are reading in Chapter & Verse. Her suggestion came right at the time when I was feeling a deep longing to connect with the Lord in a deeper way and really pursue him more passionately. Now I am excited as I think about this time of really digging in and spending quality time with God. I want to start on May 1st.
4. Listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons lately on the book of Galatians. In reading that book and hearing his sermons, God has really exposed my judgementalness and legalism and He has really begun to break those things off of me. It's great!! I really am learning how to look on people with love rather than judgement. I am learning that the cure for legalism is really just loving Jesus. When I am head over heels for the Lord I will do whatever it takes to please Him no questions asked. It won't be a matter of making rules to keep myself in check or to have this standard of holiness that I have created. No. When I love Him the way the Bible talks about love, there is a radical freedom because obedience will just flow...which takes me to the next point....
5. Really it's all about loving Jesus. Being crazy, passionately, head over heels, out of my mind in love with Jesus Christ. Cuz when I love Him like that I'll do what it takes to know Him better. And when I love Him like that He becoomes the center of everything in my life. Cuz when I love Him like that nothing else really matters. And when I love Jesus with that kinda love, I will do all I can to point people to Him. It won't be about ministering to people with the goal of changing them from the outside in. It will be about ministeting to people with the goal of pointing them toward Jesus and helping them love Him more. Cuz when that happens everything else is transformed.
6. I don't feel so bad about wanting to look bette anymore. My friend Keke helped me with that. As a person who is bascially letting everyone know that she is a virgin, I need to come correct. I need to present myself in a way that proves that God's way is the best. How can I go around looking a mess telling teenagers that I'm a virgin and it's the best choice for the future. They're gonna be like of course she's a virgin....ain't nobody trying to get with her. Really though...I want to present myself in such a way that shows that when you follow God's plan it benefits you...it helps you....it makes you better not worse. I want young guys to see that if they want a high caliber woman they hafta step up and be men of character. I want young girls to see that being a virgin or abstaining from sex actually makes you more attractive and respectable, not less so.
7. My $$ seems to be stretching farther. I've been getting free meals. Today I got the sermon CD for free. I've been able to save which is something I haven't done in a while. I've been getting discounts. It's like my $$ is doing more than I expected it to do and in some cases it's not even having to be used. Praise God!!

Oh my...I could write for hours, but I have to go do my hair. I hope to do keep up with this journaling thing more regularly. I definitely need it. Good nite :-)

Living in Overdrive--Praying for Cruise Control!

That is how I would describe my life right now--overdrive. Work has gotten busier than ever which is exactly what I prayed for. I have presentations every week, HOPE is a part of a 10 week after-school program, connections are finally being made at WOCC, men are finally volunteering, and my calendar is looking messier everyday. Thank God for the activity. But in the thanking God I've realized that along with all these new opportunities, I need an extra measure of peace and grace and stillness. I am a person who gets overwhelmed easily when I have a lot of stuff going on. It's so easy for me to exhaust myself. I realized that last week. And praise God for showing me that early. I need to carefully guard my time, especially my time with HIM. I need to know my limits. I need to find and take advantage of moments of stillness during the day. My desire is to always possess a quiet and calm spirit that is in complete reliance on and communion with the Lord. Any other way and I will get burnt out, fed up, and overwhelmed.

Honestly I don't know how to do this yet. But i am taking it day by day. Praying and asking God to help me cultivate stillness. Taking deep breaths. Closing my eyes and saying short prayers at my desk, in my car, wherever. Focusing on Jesus. Because the Word tells me that He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because he trusts in Him. I will be honest and say that that verse comforts me and eludes me at the same time. It eases me to know that all i have to do is have a mind stayed on Him and peace will come. And then I realize I have no idea how to keep my mind stayed on Him and what that looks like practically. I need to include this in my prayer time. Lord, show me how to keep my mind stayed on You.

I have been struggling with gluttony lately. Which sucks because I just came out of a fast. It's like really though, Lakeisha did you learn anything? But now I realize that is just condemnation. It gets me nowhere. Anyway I realized that i was consciouly stuffing my face even when I wasn't hungry. It's like I couldn't say no to food. I couldn't put it down and come back to it later. Ugh. This is something I prayed about during the fast (I'll admit it wasn't any real fervent prayer) so I was frustrated to see it beomce an even more glaring issue. So just recently (like yesterday or this morning) I gave it to the Lord again. Looked back at a few Scriptures. And I thot about how not so great I've been feeling lately and how my food intake is surely a contribution to that. And today progress was made. Praise God! AT work there were cinammon rolls and I only ate one . I was so tempted to eat more than that, but I was able to tell my body no. Yay! Secondly, I took an apple for lunch along with my tuna. I was full after eating the tuna and instead of forcing the apple down I saved it. I didnt' even eat it later on in the day becuase I simply didnt' get hungry again. Double yay! And then I got home today and made popcorn. I made so much it couldn't all fit in the bowl so I left some. Well when I finished, I was on my way to get the bit I left something said to me, "your full, you don't need it" and that was that. I didn't touch it. Triple yay! I just need to rely on the Spirit of God to help me fight this battle. I cannot battle sin in my own power. I lose..as evidenced by my two week eating binge. No more. Sin cannot dominate me. Thank you Lord! It's just one day, but it encourages me to know that I've made some baby steps.

Um so yeah. Great things are happening. God is moving, But I see that I need to grow. I need a deeper rel.ship with God. I desire more. I love how things never get boring with God. He'll take you to a new level and it'll be exhilirating and thrilling and then you get to a point where that level has been maxed out. And you begin to seek more. And He takes you higher....and you're there for a bit until you realize "I want more" and there's still yet another level even tho it seemed like when you were at the previous level, life with God couldn't get any better. That blows my mind. I serve such a big God that no matter how many times I think "wow God could it get any better" the answer is always a resounding "YES!" and then He shows me how....