The Cure for Condemnation

*Condemnation= to think ill of/ blame/ to pronounce judgment/accusation*

Condemnation is something that I have lived with for quite awhile. The cycle would go something like this: God would reveal a particular sin pattern or instance of sin in my life. Instead of confessing it immediately, I would beat myself up for having sinned. I would wallow in the sin thinking of how horrible I was and how I should be over this by now. I’d lament the fact that spiritually, I was not where I wanted to be. (Notice my focus was “I” not “Him”). Confession and repentance were words I knew but didn’t experience daily. Condemnation and accusation however were familiar friends.
Recently I went through a bible study that God used to transform this area of my life. I realized that my penchant toward condemnation was a sign that I hadn’t fully grasped the Gospel – the fact that all of my sins were dealt with in Christ and have already been judged. Condemnation is from the enemy of our souls. Instead of conviction leading to confession and repentance, he wants conviction to lead us to a place of condemnation and despair. He is the accuser of the brethren and the father of lies. He might whisper things like:
“You’re still dealing with that? You should be over that by now. What kind of Christian are you?”
“You’ll never overcome that struggle. It’s hopeless.”
“This is the worst sin ever. You better not tell anyone…they will look at you differently.”

Through the bible study I mentioned earlier, God showed me that when there is a gap between conviction and repentance, condemnation and guilt enter in to take up that space. I learned that instead of wallowing in my sin, I can rejoice and express thanks to God that He has exposed the sin in my life. The Word says that that these two things lead to repentance: God’s kindness and godly sorrow (Romans 2:4 and 2 Corinthians 7:10). Oftentimes we feel the worst when our sin is exposed, but I think that is when we should rejoice. Why? Because God is being kind to us! Be thankful that the Holy Spirit is present in your life and that God has grown in you such a sensitivity to the Spirit that you can recognize the conviction that He brings. Godly sorrow is not something that we can conjure up on our own--it is produced by His Spirit, and it brings about a repentance without regret that leads to salvation. Mmmm…that’s some good stuff! Imagine what it would be like if you never knew the conviction of the Holy Spirit. You would continue in sin and conformity to Christ would not happen. So when conviction comes, acknowledge it with thankfulness and confess your sin—agree with God, call it what it is and then turn from it back to God. When those things happen immediately upon conviction, the enemy has no space to enter in.

The finished work of Christ on the cross frees us from guilt and condemnation. He bore our sin. He took in His body the penalty for every wrong we have ever done or will ever do. (It’s like if you committed murder and were sentenced to execution. Then Jesus comes into the courtroom and says no it was me. Execute me. You go free while the penalty for the murder you committed is placed on Him. He dies. You live. But we know that ultimately even though He died for our wrongdoing, He rose again. He dies, yet we both live. Does that make sense?) Colossians 3 gives a great image of what Jesus accomplished. It says that we had a certificate of debt that consisted of decrees against us, but the debt has been canceled because Jesus took it away and nailed it to the cross. Why wallow in something that God has already taken care of? My problem was that I’d get so focused on sin, that I’d lose sight of Christ and what He accomplished for me through his death on the cross. No more! There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The bible says that if we sin (which we will) we have an advocate in heaven—Jesus Christ.

I have noticed a marked difference in my life since I’ve begun confessing my sin immediately. One day recently, I told a sneaky little lie in order to make myself look better and to avoid exposing something wrong that I’d done. Almost immediately, I was convicted. And while my initial response was to wallow in it and beat myself up about it, that didn’t last long. Within a few minutes I confessed my sin, asked for forgiveness, repented (I went and told the truth), and rejoiced. It was sweet and I was able to continue my day without tormenting thoughts from the accuser. He was silenced while the reality of God’s grace rang loud and clear.

Praise God for this truth being made real in my life. It has been HUGE for me and I pray that it is helpful for you!!
(If you have any more insight or any theological tweaking, feel free to add. I hurried to post this cuz I was so excited about it, but it could probably use some more development)

Back to Life. Back to Reality.

Sabbatical is winding down and tomorrow I return to my regularly scheduled life already in progress. I am a little wistful/sad as I think about ending this sweet time with the Lord, but contrary to my fears at the start I don't feel like I missed anything. God met me. And that was the best thing about these last two weeks...yes I received from Him, but more than that I just got to BE with Him. Years from now I will look back at this time as a significant marker in my walk with the Lord.

Don't really feel like recounting everything, but there are some things tumbling around inside me as I look forward to entering what I feel like is a new level in my rel.ship with the Lord and a new stage in my life. Circumstantially things are the same (though I feel like that is soon to change) but I am not the same. I have experienced true rest and desire to reside in that place forever. I am learning daily to lean the full weight of my soul on Him (depending on Him in everything, for everything, with everything), I hunger for Him more than before, I am increasingly more aware of His presence, and I can honestly say that I am content in just being with Him.

My prayer is that God will seal all this up inside me...that it will take root in my soul and not fall away once I get back into things. My prayer is that as I resume regular life, it won't be regular life as I have known it. I don't want life as usual. I want life that is drenched in/full of/overflowing with the presence and Spirit and nearness of God. Life apart from that is well....not even worth it.

Thoughts:
**got some clarity about my identity struggles today. it's not that i don't know who I am. I do. It's that I'm not always content in what I know to be true of myself. I've tried to attack this by reminding myself of all the positive things spoken over me and by trying really hard to like the different traits and qualities God has placed in me. This gets me nowhere. Why? Cuz the focus is still me. I feel secure and at ease in myself when I am constantly gazing upon Him and listening to His words. I find myself in Him. Remember that! Rehearse that! Live that!
**Praying that I will be free in my interactions with men. How can a guy be truly attracted to me and pursue me if I never let any guys see who I really am?
**Currently looking for a piano teacher. Can't wait to get started on this. Also I signed up for the songwriter's summit at church. not sure of the date, but i'm on the list. Before this time away, my creativity was stifled and neglected, but now it is re-emerging in full force. It's amazing what happens when fear is broken off!
**want to get better at articulating my thots and emotions. when i used to write all the time, those things flowed so easily, but now not so much. don't like feeling pent up because I can't express myself fully. Help Lord.

Rest in Me...Find Relief

God called me to this. I would have never, ever thought to take two entire weeks off of work just to chill with Him. This sabbatical is from Him and it is becoming more apparent with each day. When I think about the fact that the God of the Universe called me away to spend time with Him….just me and Him….it thrills me to no end. Like really? I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I remember some friends praying for me on the eve of these two weeks and I confessed that I was fearful—fearful that I would waste time and that nothing would happen and that I would regret how I spent my days. One of them assured me that God would meet me and that He was just as excited about this time as I was. And they were so right.

I wake up each morning with no plan which is beautiful. And I just ask Him to direct me and lead me. I’ve had slow, rambling walks around the lake; I’ve gone to soaking prayer at the Worship Center; had lunch with friends; gotten my car worked on; wrote a poem that turned into a song; taken lazy naps with no alarm clock to wake me up; rec’d awesome revelations from Him; read some chapters in Isaiah; prayed; journaled; cooked…..and just to think I have a whole week left.

I think the Scripture that best describes my time away is this: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. As I laid out during soaking prayer that first line from Psalms 23 was one of the song lyrics. As I laid there I thought about the rest of the Psalm, and I thought it interesting that it says God makes me lie down in green pastures. It’s like He knows when we need rest, even when we don’t and He’s willing to make us do it. And I realized that this is what God is doing in me during this time….not only has He made me lie down….He is leading me by still waters…bringing deep soul restoration. Funny that as I thought about this, I was literally lying down. God is truly teaching me what it is to rest in Him.

Read The Practice of the Presence of God over the last couple of days. Really moved by Brother Lawrence’s deep awareness of and ability to continually bask in the presence of God. I want that. I want it so bad. He talked about abiding in that place of communion with God to the point that it filled his soul with such delight that he had to learn ways to contain himself. He said something about it being so good that he was almost ashamed to even put it into words. Ha!

My mind is reeling as I think about all God has done and spoken in these last several days. For the first time in forever I wrote a poem. And for the first time in my life, the poem became a song. Doesn’t sound like much, but for me it’s huge. I have always loved to sing. I have always wanted to sing. And in the last few years I’ve had the desire to write songs. But I’ve been scared—scared of what people will think, scared it won’t be any good, scared that I’ll attempt it and realize my abilities can’t keep up with my desires. And so I held it in and stuffed it down and ignored it. But lately God has brought it all up again, so I’ve been praying for some time now about this area of my life. "Lord, help me to get over my anxiety with regard to singing. Lord show me what you want me to do with my voice. Lord help me to reconnect with my creativity." And, as He is prone to do, He answered….though not in the way or in the timing that I imagined He would. I sat at CK’s on Saturday and sent out a text to friend’s asking for this specific thing: that my creativity would burst forth. Not long after, I settled in to a big cozy chair in her living room and started to write. The poem came easy and I was pleased…not pleased cuz I thought it was so good, but pleased because I knew God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friend’s. Then later that night as I sat in Kobe waiting for my Ruby Tuesday’s to go order I had the idea to take out my journal and see if I could put a tune to the poem. It was fun playing around with it and I determined to come back to it later. Fast forward a couple of hours….Ruby Tuesday meal devoured, pajamas on, I sat on my bed with my journal trying out different tunes and recording them on my phone. Nothing worked. I got frustrated and said a quick prayer. And…of course….He answered. A tune came and it fit. And I’ve been singing the song ever since. It’s not complete and still needs work, but it’s the start of something that I think is gonna be really good.

This song has been a breakthru. So long, I’ve had music in me but was so afraid to let it out. But God is transforming me in this....I feel that these words and this tune came from Him and becuz of that I am so freakin eager to share it. Without a thought I shared it with B, CK, and some random dude I don’t even know at The Gathering. Never before have I felt so free of fear in this area. The song came from God and so I don’t care what people think of it. Before this, I’d always be nervous about singing, but I guess it was cuz I was relying on the flesh. God has totally blasted thru my issues with regard to singing and writing songs. I’m not saying I’ll never struggle with this again or never get fearful, but now when it comes, it won’t remain becuz unlike before, I have a revelation from God concerning it. :)

Reading Isaiah has been difficult and I’ve been tempted to stop. I just don’t get a lot of it. But then I’m reminded that reading His Word isn’t about “getting something.” It’s about getting to know Him. That hasn’t been the way I have thought about Bible reading for my most of my life, so it’s taking some time for that to get down in me. In reading I’ve been struck by a few things that are worthy of mention:
**in this book I see the danger of trusting man rather than trusting God. God’s people relied on other nations to save them and those nations failed them. For the past few months I’ve been relaying on man--namely myself--and pulling on my own resources. It hasn’t been conscious, but my lack of prayer and seeking God was a blaring indication that my trust hasn’t been in Him. Confessed this, repented, and re-memorized Jeremiah 17:5-8. This is now my prayer-that I will trust in the Lord and that my trust will be the Lord. Total dependence on God is essential. In the moment it sucks, but I think it’s awesome that God’s grace will cause all things we lean on besides Him to fail.
**Isaiah at the command of the Lord went naked and barefoot for three years as a sign to Egypt. WHAT??!! I wonder how he felt when he first got the word from God? Makes me think that obedience sometimes calls for us to do seemingly crazy things that make no sense and will cause people to look at us weird. My prayer has been for God to help me be obedient even in situations like that.
**God is forever. I’m reading about all these kingdoms that were so prosperous and powerful and mighty and proud. And where are these kings and kingdoms now? They are no more...they talked a good game, but in the end God remains (hey that rhymes!). What peace it is in my soul to know that He is forever. All that has been and will ever be raised up against Him will fail and that is a guarantee (Nahum 1:9)

Have felt a resurgence of hope and excitement w/r/t marriage and sex and romance. As I listen to theology of the body and as I begin praying about these things again, I am overwhelmed at the thot of God orchestrating this area of my life. And even more than that, I am awestruck as I think about the fact that no matter how good it’ll be, it is but the tiniest glimpse of the union with Christ I’ll enjoy in heaven.

Made a marriage hit list the other day-- single men and women who desire marriage. As I look back on times when me and T used to pray about this stuff, I realize that God has been so faithful in answering these prayers. I rejoice when I look at U and Q. I remember how down Q would get about failed relationship and still being single and to see him in this place with this woman is amazing. The transformation with M has been a miracle and to see him in a rel.ship still gives me chills. Not only that but S is now dating and R is now married. The temptation is to think “well if you’re always praying for other ppl to get married, how is it ever gonna happen for you. You need to focus on yourself.” I refuse to let that take root. I don’t know why, but this is something I feel called to, so I’ma do it and I believe that God will honor obedience. mmmm....i love this stuff.

This is something I wrote on Day One of sabbatical: “Need to really get grounded in Christ concerning my identity. It seems so elementary, but every now and then I struggle with my personality...resenting the fact that I’m “the responsible one”.....afraid that other people think I’m boring and not fun....shutting down somewhat in social situations becuz I’m thinking that other people are thinking that I’m boring and not fun. WHAT IS THAT?! I just wanna be! Whatever that is for me, I desire it. To be completely myself, to appreciate who God made me to be, and to engage people from a place of confidence and genuine interest in them. I hate when people put me in a box and assume I won’t like or won’t do something, but then I’ve realized that all I really do is ministry stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love it and it’s in my DNA, but where are my hobbies and interests? What do I enjoy? Maybe I make it easy for people to put me in a box. Well my hope is that these two weeks will be a chance to re-discover and re-engage my passions and hobbies. I just wanna get back to being me.”

As I read back over that, I can honestly say that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Writing, Enjoying people, having fun, singing...i even signed up for belly dancing classes lol. In reconnecting with God, I’ve reconnected with myself. I had lost sight of the fact that my realest self is found in Him. A constant prayer for the past year or so has been that I will live fully in the reality of who God created me to be. “Lord, the Lakeisha that you had in mind when you created me, that’s who I wanna be.” And sometimes I would pray that and be like “Lord you are not answering this one...I still feel off balance.” But in this moment as I type this....I realize God has been working slowly and deliberately all along....peeling off layers, exposing hurts, bringing me into rel.ship with people who are so free in who they are, digging up deep rooted sin patterns, and most importantly giving me a deeper revelation of His love for me. In Christ I can just be.

Yesterday as I lazily made my way around the lake I listened to a prophecy I rec’d back in August. I was struck by the accuracy of two things:
1. the guys said that in this next season I would sense the faithfulness of God
2. the woman prayed that I would have an envelopment of God’s love...that He would shed His love on me and it’d be so abundant that I couldn’t contain and that otherse would see it
Those are two things that have been HUGE themes in my life during these winter months. I’ve been marveling and reveling in the faithfulness of the Lord. As I have come face to face with my sin, I’ve also come face to face with the reality that no mater what I’ve done or will ever do God remains faithful and I can lean the full weight of who i am on Him. And now more than ever I feel the reality of God’s love for me. It’s not just something I know with my mind, but it’s getting deep down in me and taking hold of everything inside.

Did healing prayer with CK today. It was sweet. God spoke in spite of my reticence and unbelief (see what I mean about His faithfulness?). Another answer to prayer: CK said she’d love to meet up once a week to talk and pray. She also let me know that I could call her whenever I need more healing prayer. This...is....big. This kind of mentor relationship is something I’ve wanted for a long time. Something I’ve needed for a long time. CK is such a gift. Praise God for her!

Dang. this is long. I think I’m done. Will be back later.

Love is...

Anthony Evans has a song on his lastest CD called "Love Is." I've heard this song many times before and really liked it, but today the lyrics hit me in a way they haven't before. I listened to it repeatedly. I've been thinking a lot about love lately and how I lack it and how I can't love apart from Christ. The first verse left me in stunned silence becuz it described me (and a lot of other ppl I assume) so vividly. But then the second verse brings such hope as it describes Christ. Here it is:

Love is
A. Evans, J. Ingram

I said I loved you
But I protected, and kept my heart
From you (love doesn't hide and self protect)
I saw your hurting eyes still I decided to
Move away
keep myself safe (love is reckless, not safe)
I apologize cause I’ve realized

Love is willing to get hurt
Love gives needing no return
When Love lives it needs no words
I’ve learned that’s what
Love Is

You said you loved me
So you came and you gave it all
For me
You could of changed your mind but still you decided to
walk that road knowing it would lead you
to your end
and I live

Chorus

It can be uncertain but still
It moves because it’s worth it. (powerful)

It is my prayer that day by day the Lord will help me to love Him above anything else and to love people with reckless abandon.

Harvest Institute.

I just got done with a weeklong ministry training called Harvest Institute at King’s Park. It was intense. Lots of worship and silent waiting on God. Lots of messages on the deeper things of God like Holy Spirit baptism, hearing the voice of God, spiritual resistance, the heart of the gospel, and more. We were prayed over and prophesied over. And we prayed a lot ourselves. Whew! At the end of it all….I was exhausted. Going to Harvest Institute was for me a response to what God told me to do earlier this year. And with all that I learned and with all that God spoke to me during this time I can see some of why I needed to go. It goes right along with what has been going on inside of me lately—a deeper understanding of the Gospel, a desire to see the power of God like never before, a desire to share the Gospel with people, and excitement about developing relationships with young women. As God moves me forward He has to prepare me for what is coming and I think Harvest Institute was a part of that. It is a part of the equipping process that I desperately need as God takes me deeper in Him.

One thing that stood out at Harvest Institute was their emphasis on praying in tongues and walking in the prophetic…two things that are not integral parts of my life, but I so want them to be.

NewsFlash

What has been up with me the last four months? Hmmm...let's see if I can remember:

-God used Philippians to show me how selfish I've been in ministry and what selflessness in ministry looks like
-Started exercising last week and I'm lovin' it.
-Spent a day alone at the beach. It...was....heavenly.
-Admitted my insecurity, received prayer, and finally felt up to the challenge of battling insecurity in my mind.
-have begun confessing scriptures about my identity in Christ. these verses are becoming a part of me.
-i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. for example i've NEVER liked my legs, but for the first time ever I think they're quite nice :-)
-there are two friendships developing in my life that God is really using to challenge me. These people are nothing like me and i'm nothing like them. and the way they live and the way they think and they way the approach ministry is calling me to a higher standard...and they don't even realize it.
-Finished reading This Present Darkness. I devoured that book. Anything on spiritual warfare captivates me.
-Rest comes from God. Not TV. Not long naps. Not sitting around doing nothing. He gives rest.
-I have an almost crush on this guy I've known for years. I say "almost" becuz I won't allow myself to really like someone until they make it clear that they have feelings for me first.
-Been meeting with my brothers in Christ and hearing what's on their hearts w/r/t to marriage and relationships and family. It has been a blessing. God is in it. I know some great guys. They will make great husbands. Glad I have the privilege of knowing them and praying for them.
-things are changing. people are moving, getting married, pursuing their dreams. it's exciting and sobering. idk if i'm ready.
-agreed to start mentoring a girl at the reality center. i first met her during a presentation last year and i never 4got her. excited, nervous, and scared about this new relationship.
-sang in public for the first time in forever. it was horrible. idk why I sound so awful when I know people are listening.
-I've been wondering do I really know how to be intimate with people? Like I'm not sure I know how to open up and be vulnerable and all that.
-when people ask me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life, I usually feel like I have nothing to say. I wonder why? My life is full and fun, so why can't I verbalize that.
-Been writing more. It feels like coming home to a familiar place after being away for years and realizing with great relief that it feels the exact same.
-I'm nervous about this upcoming bridal shower that I'm planning.
-I had a dream/nightmare that I was late for Janel's wedding and someone else took my place in the line-up :-(
-I'm at work writing this at work.
- I am sooooo NOT an office person. Being in an office all day drives me sorta kinda mad. I need to be out and about. I've realized this more this past coupla weeks cuz my presentation schedule has been extremely light.
-I forgot how much I LOVE a good comedy. And then I saw Date Night and I laffed practically the whole time. I love to laff. I need to find some comedians I can watch on youtube.
-Gotta counseling session at work today that I feel totally unprepared for. So I'ma go pray. Prayer....something that it is so vital to everything in life and yet I still neglect it. Sigh. I believe that one day prayer for me will be like breathing.

I just love Him....

Wow. That is really the only word to describe what happened yesterday as I sat in my car in the parking lot of Githens Middle School. It is something that will remain vividly in my mind until the day I die. Why? Becuz God showed up...and He showed up big. I think of that verse...He will show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is completely His...and yesterday He showed up for me. This is how it went down:

I had just finished presenting to two 8th grade classes of boys. It was a really good time, esp the 1st class cuz they really opened up and asked good questions and expressed their issues and concerns with the whole abstinence thing. It was one of those classes where afterward I'm just floored becuz of how I was able to connect with the kids. Anyway as I went on my lunch break I got the snese that I should call Harold and tell him about my presentations and then tell him that this ministry is something that he would be good at and I would love for him to join me. So I called him and I told him. And he just dissolved into tears right there on the phone and so you know I started crying too. And right there in my car as I talked to my brother, I experienced God's awesome power. He told me about how he's tired of the lifestyle he's living and that God keeps putting men of God in his life. As he talked I kept thinking of those countless prayers that I've prayed and so many others have prayed for him....and I realized that God is answering them. And it's not just a slow trickle either. It's like a deluge of God's power working in my brother's life. As usual, God has astounded me.

It was the first time I've ever experienced something where I felt so strongly the impression of the Holy Spirit to say such a specific thing. And it was amazing cuz I saw what can happen when I obey God's leading IMMEDIATELY!! It was like the words God told me to speak were the words Harold needed to hear and they went straight to his heart. And I remember as I was talking to him the words just came out...I didn't even really think about them. It was just...when I opened my mouth...I automatically knew what to say becuz as the verse says "I opened my mouth and God filled it!!!"

Wow Lord. Really though? I'm in awe.

And then if that weren't enuff, He keeps pouring on the financial blessings. In addition to the extra $200/mo that I now have WITHOUT the addition of a PT job, I just so happen to have an extra $87 this month becuz of a technicality with my car insurance payments. When it happened I just sat on bed and kinda just smiled incredulously thinking, "God you've done it again!"

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

That is how I feel when I think about the God I serve and the way He keeps blowing my mind. He's sooooo good. And He loves me and He takes care of me and He doesn't hold my sins against me and He's just......wow.

**********
So there is this guy I know who has been in my life for quite awhile now. But now I'm starting to look at him differently and I'm starting to get a vibe from him that makes me wonder if he's starting to look at me differently too. I've noticed him staring at me as of late in a way that causes my heart to skip just a bit. And there have been a few other things too....his compliments, him being all up in my personal space....and it all makes me a bit nervous. I guess cuz I never thot I would or could be attracted to him. And now....I think I am. And that is freaking me out just a little. And so yeah. I need to bring it before the Lord. Right now it's just a bunch of thoughts tumbling around in my head and that is never a good thing. Also I've been thinking more about sex and sensual stuff and being close to a guy in a physical way. That isn't good for me. But I must be honest and say sometimes I indulge it becuz I feel like I'm so close to being with a man and that as a 24 year old virgin it's impossible not to indulge. It's bad logic I know. Forgive me Lord. Help me stay pure.

This week I had a dream where a lady told me that thinks I am about to be in a relationship. When I asked why, she simply said it was because she felt a certain vibe whenever she's around me. Whatever that means. Oh well. Lord I give it all to you. What else can I do? Help me.....I need it.

Pancakes and Prayer

Today after prayer at WOCC I decided that I wanted a really good breakfast, but I didn't want to cook it. My first thought was to get a chicken biscuit from Chick-fil-A, but halfway there the desire for McDonald's pankcakes came over me and the chicken biscuit was quickly forgotten. I got a stack of 3 "hot cakes" for $2.18!!! And oh the smell....as soon I started to drive off from the window, the smell of the the heavenly pancakes started to fill my car and this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but I almost couldn't take it. Like seriously, I wanted to pull over and devour them on the side of the road. I kept thinking how fast can I get home and inhale these. Oh the aroma of McDonald's will not soon be forgotten. I have come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite smells of all time. I remember thinking as I drove up to my apartment: These pancakes are a gift from God :-) Yeah, seriously that's how much I fell in love with the smell. They tasted really good too, but not nearly as good as they smelled :-)

One of my favorite things about being a Christian is being witness to the moving of the Holy Spirit in a group of believers. Take prayer for example. I had prayer with my roommates Monday night and then with the CV ladies Thursday night. And I find that oftentimes duirng these times I will have a feeling in my heart or a desire to pray for something, but before I do somebody else prays the exact same thing. Other times somebody will pray and addresses something in my life that I totally didn't even mention. Recently at KPIC all night prayer I paired up with a young lady at the suggestion of the minister leading the event and we prayed for each other. We didn't talk beforehand, we just started praying. And I was awestruck as I listened to her prayer...it was definitely Spirit led prayer as she mentioned my heart for purity and she prayed for my words when I speak in front of people. She only found out what I did for a living AFTER we finished praying. Another thing that I am ecstatic about is when God births a vision or a passion for something in several different people at the same time. I know for a fact that God is birthing in me a heart for a Durham and a desire to see this city, esp. the young people, overtaken by God...it's like a sense I have that God wants to do a powerful work here that will require fervent, effective prayer. In talking to my roommate she has the same sense. And so does one of the ladies that attends Tuesday morning prayer at Reality. And so does this lady Mimi mentioned to me on Friday. This "desire for Durham" is a collective vision/burden/passion and it's been spurred by God alone....

Today Pastor Nate spoke on this verse: I am fully persuaded that what God has promised He is also able to perform. That Scripture resonated within me and I immediately wrote it down and started saying it to myself. From now on I will face life being fully persuaded that what my God has promised to me He is also able to perform it. This verse reminded me of the other night during CV prayer how I really felt as though I encountered the presence of God. Why? Because I was overwhelmed by a sense of His power and ability to do...anything. And in that moment of seeing God for who He was, I was faced with my own doubt and unbelief. In the face of such a powerful and sovereign God, how can I ever doubt Him? That is one thing that truly grieves my heart and I know it grieves His....that I can still after all He's done and all He's shown Himself to be in my life doubt Him. Lord help me to trust you forever and always with everything no matter what.

I want to start praying for random people. I am reading this book and he talks about how he's seen amazing things happen just from praying with people in public. Waitresses, bartenders, people at the subway station....all coming to know the Lord after a simple question of "how can I pray for you?" I want to be a person who is always ready to prayer no matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel. People need God. I know this God that they so desperately need. Why am I holding Him hostage? It's time to pray.

I can't stay here!

It's time for some changes in my life. I have this sense that there is bout to be this awesome explosion of God's power and presence and blessing and I don't want to get left behind. I think one of my biggest fears is God moving and me missing it. I want to be where God is. I want to be tuned into exactly what He's doing and I want to be right there in the mix. Why? Becuz I don't want to be where God is not. I don't want to be involved in endeavors that He ain't even ordain. What's the point? I know the feeling of knowing you are in the midst of where God is and I also know the feeling of doing things totally apart from Him. I prefer the former.

And so what does this look like? Well first God has called me to a life of prayer. I am an intercessor not because I think it's cool or it's what I want to do...it's becuase God has placed that on my life. And honestly I have not taken that seriously enough. Yes I pray. And a lot of time I enjoy prayer. Other times it's the last thing I want to do. But this is bigger than that. I want to live and breathe prayer. It's the only way that ANYTHING will happen. It's the only way I will get in touch with the heart of God. It's during prayer that the secret things will be revealed. I want that. I need that. And so do the unbelievers that I come in contact with everyday. What would the HOPE Program look like if it were bathed prayer. What would my life look like if it were saturated in fervent, effective prayer? What would my family, my future, my friends be like if heaven were constantly bombarded with prayers concerning them? I hope to soon find out. This is not a joke anymore. It's not somethign to play around with it. I have to stop talking about how vital prayer is and actually show with my life how vital prayer is. Jesus always lives to make intercession for me. How awesome!? My Savior prays for me....like for real? The very thot makes me giddy. And to think that in the ministry of intercession I get to partner with Him. Oh yes. IT IS ON!

In order to do this, I'm looking forward to radical changes in my life. I have set aside Tuesday nights as me and God time. No meetings, no dinners, no TV, no nothing. Just me and Him...doing whatever needs to be done. This is my 2nd week and I actually get excited about it. Like today as I left work, I had this expectancy about my date with Him. Also Saturday mornings my goal is to return to Saturday morning prayer. Those times were always so sweet and I have been lazy, not wanting to get up and I've been missing it. Also I remember when for a brief stretch of time I was leaving the house early and having my JAM sessions at places near PSS. And I remember what a great time that was....I felt like I was clearly hearing from God and that I really had an appetite for the thigns of God and I felt more calm. And when I stopped I could tell the difference. I need to return to that. Not out of a sense of legalism and checking something off my list, but but out of a sense of desperation...I NEED TIME WITH THE LORD! Simple as that. Also I know God is calling me to more fervent and focused times of prayer concerning my school presentations and concerning the ministry at Reality Center. Nothing will happen apart from Him. Prayer, devling into the Word, more prayer, fasting.....it's time to step up my game son. My rel.ship with God is only as deep and as close as I want it to be. I went to a conference this weekend and the speaker asked this question: "how much of this holy God can I encounter?" That is what I want to find out. It's time for a change.

And this shift will seem totally unrelated BUT it's not. I've had men on the brain. Not unusual for me, but I think one day recently i was thinking about relationships and marraige and men and I almost started to cry. Ugh. The desire is there, but I am slowly (very slowly learning) to throw that desire right back to God and let Him do what He wants with it. I have never been close to a man in a romantic way and I want to know what that is like, but I refuse to let that become my #1 focus. I refuse to let preparation for a husband override preparation for my meeting with Jesus. I can't do it. So yes I want it. I want it bad. But I just have to keep taking that to the Lord and digging deeper into the depths of who He is. My friend told me that the more she digs into the Word, the less she thinks about whole marriage/men/rel.ship thing. She's right. I am taking her advice. Again prayer is very necessary here. Lord, I am trusting you with this part of my life. I truly believe you have something mind-blowing for me with regard to this, but sometimes I doubt. Help my unbelief. Let my desire for you consume me. "I want to be consumed." (shout out to Anthony Evans for the quote)

I consistently find myself thinking about guys (old ones and new ones who come into my life) and wondering if they are the one for me. Is this normal? I totally want to kill these thots and never have them again.

What do you do when you want to dig into the Word, but you don't know what to read or you don't have a particular inclination toward a certain subject or book or passage or person? I've never been one of those just open it up and read the first thing your eye falls on type of people. I've been thinking about just going back to the Gospels. What would be good for me right now Lord?

Okay time for me to get off this thing and enjoy the rest of my time here at B&N without staring at a computer screen. I wonder what the rest of the night holds....

Don't tell anybody this but....

This is embarrasing to admit, but I will do it anyway: I have a blog crush. Simply put, I have a crush on someone whose blog I frequent quite regularly. It's this white dude in Atlanta named Stuart McDonald and for some reason I am quite captivated by him. Number one-he's white and I rarely look twice at a white dude. Number two-he's cute. Number three- he seems enthralled with black women. Number four-he seems to be one of those rare guys who like women just as they are...no stipulations about hair type and length, no crazy expectations about make-up and other things...in his writing he comes across as the type of man who a woman could be herself around and feel completely and totally at ease. And I think for black women that is insanely attractive because so much of what we are expected to look like isn't the real us or it isn't a standard all of us live up to - permed hair, long hair, thin, light skin. Ugh. I'm sick of the standards. Just let a woman be who she is. And so I think that is my attraction to Stu (see I've already given him a nickname hehe). And as I think about it more I must commend Stu for his writing--the fact that I could develop a crush on someone simply because of what they write and how they write really speaks volumes about his talent. How amazing it is that someone's words could capture the essence of who they are and what they are all about to such an extent that a person reading those words could be genuinely attracted to that person. Stu has inspired me to be a better blogger and a better writer. The written word is a powerful thing and reading his words has reminded me of that. Thanks Stu.

So this week was one of those exhausting in a good way kinda weeks. It was one of those weeks where I repeatedly sigh contentedly and say I love my job. It was one of those weeks where God reminded me of just how exciting it is to live this life with Him and for Him. Monday it began with me almost getting into a horrible car accident, but God. He protected me and kept me calm and saved my life. Then I had a presentation at Cedar Ridge which was soooo fun. I love high school kids. Next on the agenda was the Reality Center high school group. I had a lesson plan and God totally led in another direction. What he had was so much better! Our hour together ended with a discussion of religion vs. relationship, knowing truth, and a group prayer. Aww how sweet it was. I walked outta that place practically floating. Wednesday and Thursday I had presentations at Jordan. Again, the kids were hilarious and I had such a good time with them. Oh and how could I forget...the week started with the most amazing, mind-blowing, heaven-like church service I've ever been to. It was crazy!! God was all up in that place and everybody just lost their minds lol. People were praising God at a whole nother level. P. Nate got up to start the service and had to sit right back down and let the praise team come right back up cuz we just kept on praising. Aaaahhhh experiences like that just can't be put into words. Then P. Brian preached a sermon that went straight to my heart about resurrection power bieng alive in us. The dead things in my life don't have to stay dead. They can and they will live. He even gave his testimony at the end and his awareness of God's grace was so evident as he cried and jumped around the stage in praise to the God who saved his life. God is so good to us...that even while we're still on this earth he gives us a glimpse of heaven. The God I serve is real and no one can convince me otherwise.

More to come...

I have been attacked, but God...

And so our off again-on again relationship continues. I just can't seem to commit to writing on a regular basis. It's quite sad. And I'm sorry. I know I said this last time, but I will do better. Definitely not everyday...let's start slow and say I'll post once every two weeks. I think that is doable.

So yeah. Lots going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart. Oh where to begin? How about a list:

1. I have been blindsided by crippling insecurity issues. For the past two weeks or so I have been feeling like I used to feel back in middle and high school--ugly and like no guy would ever be attracted to me. WHAT IS THAT? Ugh. I'm sick of it. I am a grown woman and grown woman are secure...right? Well the Lord spoke to me and let me know that this is a straight up attack from the enemy. And I totally feel that. It feels very oppressive and overwhelming. And it makes so much sense...lately I've been talking to my middle and high school girls about value and beauty and rising above what the media says and in the midst of that I have been dealing with those very issues. For me this is a wake-up call--I thought I was 100% secure in Jesus, but I'm not and I refuse to stay in this place. So i'm praying about this and digging deep and reflecting on the Word and being more vigilant about what thoughts I let float around in my head.

2. My digestive system has been outta whack lately. It's like every time I eat, I feel weird which is a tragedy for me cuz I enjoy food so much. And so I am gonna try and detox my system by restricting my diet. The plan is to drink lots of Naked Juice and only eat fruits and veggies. So far today drank 16oz. of Naked Juice and ate a salad for lunch. I ate some rice in between those things and tonight I agreed to go to Champps with a friend and order nachos....so yeah. I'm not there yet. But it's a start....

3. Maybe this insecurity issues means I'm not as ready for a rel.ship as I thought I was :-/

4. Celebrities need prayer. Too many times Christians (myself included) sit around and talk about famous people and how crazy/egocentric/weird/sinful/stupid they are. And then we get smug becuase we aren't like that or at least we think we aren't. How sad. God used this whole Kanye fiasco to convict me and to remind me that I need to be praying for people in the limelight rather than dissecting their moral failings. A lot of time we help contribute to the issues these people have becuz we are so obsessed with them. And what does that say of us?

4. God answers prayer. No one can ever convince me otherwise. He hears us and then He answers. Often times in ways that are different than what we expected, but better than we could have every imagined. Case in point: becuz finances are tight I have been praying this way, "Lord please stretch my money. Make my dollar go farther than the average dollar. Make it so that my money doesn't even spend. Lord, stuff that I usually have to pay for, give it to me for free. Give me discounts on things that I usually pay full price for. Amen" When I first started praying this..it was kinda feeble and I didn't really see how God could do it, but the faith behind it grew stronger. And I love how God works becuz he is using people in my life to bring about the answer to this prayer. Here are some examples:
-one weekend when I was running low on food, my coworker and her husband invited me over for lunch.
-my coworker just walked into my office and gave me some jewelery she doesn't wear anymore.
-a friend of mine gave me a bag of clothes that she can't fit anymore. From that stash I got a nice formal outfit, a tan blazer, a gray skirt, and gray dress pants---all for FREE!!
-another of my friends has treated me to like three meals over the past few week.
See! I stand back in awe of how God provides for me. How can I ever doubt Him when He comes thru every single time!

5. My family. We still have issues. But God...

Well I'm writing this at work and I officially feel bad so I'm going to cut this short and pick it up again later. It's been fun.

FB is deep sumtimes

One of my "friends" on FB had this quote as her status:

"...some men see things as they are and say why, I dreamed things that never were and say why not..." (The Kennedy's)

Wow. I really like that. I want that to be the story of my life.

This speaks to me...

A quote from Tullian Tchividijian:

"The secret to true encouragement is learning to see God's reflection in others, not just Christians but in everyone."

Lord open my eyes to the way you have stamped Your image on people.

Journals, Cooking, and God

Oh how I miss writing in a journal. I remember back in high school and early college when I wouldn't even feel right if I went even a few days without putting pen to page. It was good for me. My life from 10th grade until about my sophomore year in college was preserved. (I ended up burning my high school journals becuase honestly I felt like it was something God was leading me to do, but that's beside the point). I really think I'ma try and get back into this thing. It might start off with just once a week, but even that is better than my scattered once every couple of months entries that I've been throwing up here. And eventually I think I'll get back to the place where writing in my journal is just a regular part of my day rather than some every now and then event.

In other news...I made hibachi chicken and vegetables with white sauce last night. It was my 1st time attempting the recipe and OMG! It was a culinary delite. I can't wait to make it again. I have already thought of how I can adjust the recipe for next time. I will cook the shrooms with the other veggies instead of cooking it with the chicken. And at some point I will substitue chicken for shrimp. It's funny for the longest time I had no desire to cook, yet I had all this meat and fish in the freezer. Now for the past couple of weeks my longing to stand over a stove and create wonderful food has returned, but of course now I barely have any food in the fridge. Haha. I find that funny. But not really.

I haven't had any amazing, melt your heart, in your face encounters with God lately. I've been having a good time in the Word just taking my time and writing down notes and praying over the Scripture, but nothing mind blowing. I crave that right now. But then I think you know....life is not always a mountaintop experience. And I think I need to be ok with that. Recognizing that God is near even when I dont' feel especially "spiritual" or overwhelmed with His presence. But still I long to be overwhelmed....

I have been praying a lot of things lately, but one conistent prayer has been that God will show me exactly where I need to be and what I need to being. I am not a fan of busyness just for busyness sake. Whatever I'm doing I want it to be because God put me there, not because it seems like a good idea. And I don't want to be the person who does a lot of stuff because they think it makes them extra saved or because it looks good and noble. I really want any semblance of "regard for the opinion of man" to be demolished in my life. I want every aspect of my life to be lived for an audience of One. I dont' know that it will take to get to that place and sometimes I wonder if it's even possible, but God is able....I have to trust that.

My financial faith has been in a word...whack :-( My finances and my inability to really trust God with $$ has been source of frustration for a long time but finally it's gotten to the point where I will not stand for it anymore. One day this week I was like why is it so hard to believe in this area? what am i not doing. And then wisdom from God came. I realized that I haven't been standing on the Word and confessing it daily with regard to money and giving and provision. I need this constant reinforcement. I need the truth to get deep down on the inside of me. Or it will always be like this. And even as I'm writing this I realize I need to confess to God my sin of unbelief and ask His 4giveness. After all He's done, how can I continue to doubt Him?

I am on a quest for complete and total transparency, vulnerability and honesty. I want to be real and authenic. No facades. No smiles to cover hurt. No "I'm fine" when really what I want to say is "I really dont' feel like I'm connected to God like I want to be and its making me discouraged. What should I do?" It's time out for fakeness. I've found that the transparency of just one person makes other people feel safe enuff to be vulnerable. First comes of course being real with God. Admitting ugly things like "I don't want to read my Bible. I'd rather watch tv." or "God I don't love you like I should. I am so sorry." Ouch. Scary. But definitely needed. Only then can God work radically in my heart to change me from the inside out.

I love God. He doesn't give up on me.

Zay is graduating high school on Friday. And I feel all emotional about it. It's like my family is totally different that it used to be and it happened sooooo fast. All 3 kids done with skool. Zay looking at the Army. My parents getting to a place where they focus on themselves instead of thier kids. Man. As I've thot about Zay's graduation I keep thinking how much I regret not really cherishing the time when I was at home with my fam all the time. I wish I would have spent more time with my brothers when I was in high school. Cuz now they are all old and they don't wanna hang out with me. They got their own lives. I always knew this was coming--them growing up..,my family changing , but I didn't think I would feel this tinge of sadness and regret. Nothing I can do about then, but I have determined to be a better big sister from here on out. And one thing I will do when I am a parent is to really teach my children to cherish each other and the time they have 2gether becuase it won't always be that way. Lesson learned the hard way.

On the Brink of Sumthin Special...

Church today was crazy good. The sermon hit me right in the gut and worship was a little slice of what I imagine heaven will be like. Pastor Andy talked about getting to a place where nothing matters more than knowing God...where your possessions, accomplishments, relationships are trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ. He also reminded us that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in us! And that if we want the power of resurrection in our lives we have to embrace the suffering that comes before it just like Jesus. Really when i think about the way Jesus went to the cross I am awestruck. His whole life He knew that the cross was inevitable, but when the time came He took it like a soldier cuz He knew what was on the other side. And MAN..........I cannot even wrap my mind around the joy he musta felt when He got up outta the tomb and He knew that the cross was behind Him never to be seen again. Whew!! I want to approach life like that. To march toward the hard thing.....to stare pain and suffering dead in the face and then come out on the other side. It scares me and thrills me all at the same time. I wanna be a soldier like Jesus was. Now the prelude to this awesome word was the song that was sung during offering. This guest worship leader from Fayetteville came and he truly ushered in the presence of God. The words of the song were powerful, and seeing a grown man truly pour out himself in worship like that was....wow. During those brief moments as we sung about presenting ourselves to God and letting Him have His way in us there was like a breaking that happenend inside of me. All I could do was scream "yes" and raise my hands to God. I am truly blessed to be a part of WOCC. God is always moving in that place.

I spent this last week on vaca. I went to NYC for a few days, had a day and a half of just chillin at home, and then I spent a day at the beach. I prolly coulda used another day or two at the beach, but I honestly think I am ready to get back to work. God is really moving within the HOPE Program and I am excited to jump back in. I think this vaca came at just the right time becasue I am about to jump into a stretch of three weeks where I have lots of presentations and work to get done.

So what has God been doing in my life? Well, He's been doing a whole lot. It's too much to recount at length, but I think a list will suffice. Here goes:

1. God has really been shattering my insecurity. I am beginning to see myself in a whole new way. I feel attractive. I like my body. I don't feel this pressue to perform perfectly on my job all the time. I feel freedom because I know that God created me to reach some people, not all people and so when some kids dont' respond to me, it's not because there's something wrong with me. I am much more willing to ask for help and input when it comes to HOPE. The anxiety of insecuity is no longer weighing on me like it once did. Praise God!
2. God has brought someone in my life who is dealing with insecurity issues and is always calling me to talk about her problems. I feel as tho God really showed me the root of her guy issues and because it is something that I have struggled with and that I am finally experiencing victory in, God can really use me to invest in her life.
3. I wanna do a 6 month commitment to the Lord. This was suggested by an author whose book we are reading in Chapter & Verse. Her suggestion came right at the time when I was feeling a deep longing to connect with the Lord in a deeper way and really pursue him more passionately. Now I am excited as I think about this time of really digging in and spending quality time with God. I want to start on May 1st.
4. Listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons lately on the book of Galatians. In reading that book and hearing his sermons, God has really exposed my judgementalness and legalism and He has really begun to break those things off of me. It's great!! I really am learning how to look on people with love rather than judgement. I am learning that the cure for legalism is really just loving Jesus. When I am head over heels for the Lord I will do whatever it takes to please Him no questions asked. It won't be a matter of making rules to keep myself in check or to have this standard of holiness that I have created. No. When I love Him the way the Bible talks about love, there is a radical freedom because obedience will just flow...which takes me to the next point....
5. Really it's all about loving Jesus. Being crazy, passionately, head over heels, out of my mind in love with Jesus Christ. Cuz when I love Him like that I'll do what it takes to know Him better. And when I love Him like that He becoomes the center of everything in my life. Cuz when I love Him like that nothing else really matters. And when I love Jesus with that kinda love, I will do all I can to point people to Him. It won't be about ministering to people with the goal of changing them from the outside in. It will be about ministeting to people with the goal of pointing them toward Jesus and helping them love Him more. Cuz when that happens everything else is transformed.
6. I don't feel so bad about wanting to look bette anymore. My friend Keke helped me with that. As a person who is bascially letting everyone know that she is a virgin, I need to come correct. I need to present myself in a way that proves that God's way is the best. How can I go around looking a mess telling teenagers that I'm a virgin and it's the best choice for the future. They're gonna be like of course she's a virgin....ain't nobody trying to get with her. Really though...I want to present myself in such a way that shows that when you follow God's plan it benefits you...it helps you....it makes you better not worse. I want young guys to see that if they want a high caliber woman they hafta step up and be men of character. I want young girls to see that being a virgin or abstaining from sex actually makes you more attractive and respectable, not less so.
7. My $$ seems to be stretching farther. I've been getting free meals. Today I got the sermon CD for free. I've been able to save which is something I haven't done in a while. I've been getting discounts. It's like my $$ is doing more than I expected it to do and in some cases it's not even having to be used. Praise God!!

Oh my...I could write for hours, but I have to go do my hair. I hope to do keep up with this journaling thing more regularly. I definitely need it. Good nite :-)

Living in Overdrive--Praying for Cruise Control!

That is how I would describe my life right now--overdrive. Work has gotten busier than ever which is exactly what I prayed for. I have presentations every week, HOPE is a part of a 10 week after-school program, connections are finally being made at WOCC, men are finally volunteering, and my calendar is looking messier everyday. Thank God for the activity. But in the thanking God I've realized that along with all these new opportunities, I need an extra measure of peace and grace and stillness. I am a person who gets overwhelmed easily when I have a lot of stuff going on. It's so easy for me to exhaust myself. I realized that last week. And praise God for showing me that early. I need to carefully guard my time, especially my time with HIM. I need to know my limits. I need to find and take advantage of moments of stillness during the day. My desire is to always possess a quiet and calm spirit that is in complete reliance on and communion with the Lord. Any other way and I will get burnt out, fed up, and overwhelmed.

Honestly I don't know how to do this yet. But i am taking it day by day. Praying and asking God to help me cultivate stillness. Taking deep breaths. Closing my eyes and saying short prayers at my desk, in my car, wherever. Focusing on Jesus. Because the Word tells me that He will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him because he trusts in Him. I will be honest and say that that verse comforts me and eludes me at the same time. It eases me to know that all i have to do is have a mind stayed on Him and peace will come. And then I realize I have no idea how to keep my mind stayed on Him and what that looks like practically. I need to include this in my prayer time. Lord, show me how to keep my mind stayed on You.

I have been struggling with gluttony lately. Which sucks because I just came out of a fast. It's like really though, Lakeisha did you learn anything? But now I realize that is just condemnation. It gets me nowhere. Anyway I realized that i was consciouly stuffing my face even when I wasn't hungry. It's like I couldn't say no to food. I couldn't put it down and come back to it later. Ugh. This is something I prayed about during the fast (I'll admit it wasn't any real fervent prayer) so I was frustrated to see it beomce an even more glaring issue. So just recently (like yesterday or this morning) I gave it to the Lord again. Looked back at a few Scriptures. And I thot about how not so great I've been feeling lately and how my food intake is surely a contribution to that. And today progress was made. Praise God! AT work there were cinammon rolls and I only ate one . I was so tempted to eat more than that, but I was able to tell my body no. Yay! Secondly, I took an apple for lunch along with my tuna. I was full after eating the tuna and instead of forcing the apple down I saved it. I didnt' even eat it later on in the day becuase I simply didnt' get hungry again. Double yay! And then I got home today and made popcorn. I made so much it couldn't all fit in the bowl so I left some. Well when I finished, I was on my way to get the bit I left something said to me, "your full, you don't need it" and that was that. I didn't touch it. Triple yay! I just need to rely on the Spirit of God to help me fight this battle. I cannot battle sin in my own power. I lose..as evidenced by my two week eating binge. No more. Sin cannot dominate me. Thank you Lord! It's just one day, but it encourages me to know that I've made some baby steps.

Um so yeah. Great things are happening. God is moving, But I see that I need to grow. I need a deeper rel.ship with God. I desire more. I love how things never get boring with God. He'll take you to a new level and it'll be exhilirating and thrilling and then you get to a point where that level has been maxed out. And you begin to seek more. And He takes you higher....and you're there for a bit until you realize "I want more" and there's still yet another level even tho it seemed like when you were at the previous level, life with God couldn't get any better. That blows my mind. I serve such a big God that no matter how many times I think "wow God could it get any better" the answer is always a resounding "YES!" and then He shows me how....

The List...created June 2007, but constantly updated

Spiritual:
prayer warrior - must have
hungry student and effective teacher of the Word - must have
sensitive to the Holy Spirit - must have
understands his authority as a believer - must have
knows his purpose and the path God has called him to - must have
teachable - must have
self controlled, esp wrt physical boundaries and spending and saving $$ - must have
a leader -must have

Physical:
good teeth
taller than me when I have on heels
basketball body, lean but muscular
nice lips

Personality:
decisive
creative
sense of humor - must have
thoughtful
very reliable
good listener
humble, patient, slow to anger - must have
can give words of affirmation
more outgoing than me
honest/open/vulnerable
able to verbally express emotions
stands up for others (a protector) - must have

Talents/Abilities:
good cook
enjoys bball and is a decent player
high financial intelligence
can sing - nice to have

Hobbies/Interests:
enjoys watching bball - must have
enjoys traveling
likes to drive - must have
does NOT want animals - must have
socially conscious

Other:
great rel.ship with his family - nice to have
good handyman - nice to have
virgin - must have
not currently dealing with porn issues -must have
other ppl speak highly of him

The Rock

I was reading on the Boundless site the other day and I saw a quote that made me pause and think. It said, "I'd rather fall on the Rock and be ruined, than have the Rock fall on me and be destroyed." Whew. Good one.

More to come lata....I just had to get that out.

Remember Me?

The entire month of August went by and I ain't post not a once...not for lack of material though. Things are definitely happening, but honestly I kinda forgot I started this thing. No worries....I'm back and it won't happen again. I promise.

So on August 11th we moved into our new place. It is lovely. You'd think with an English degree I could come up with a better word to describe how great this place is, but that's the best I can do. I love this place so much that I eagerly look forward to coming home whenever I go somewhere. It's everything I wanted and then some. Some days I walk around the lake in the mornings as the sun peeks over the clouds. Sometimes I sit on the patio and read my Bible and pray. Sometimes I open up all the blinds in the apartment so that I can bask in the glow of the sun. When I think about how great this place is, I just start praising God, becuz He truly hooked us up. 3 bedrooms AND 3 bathrooms. I thought it was nearly impossible. But true to form, God always does the impossible thing. Instead of having a patio that overlooks the parking lot, ours overlooks the lake and when you sit out there you can feel the cool breeze coming off the water. Getting this apartment was such a God thing. I def wanna stay here longer than a year.

In other news....God showed me something about myself. He opened my eyes to the fact that I am much too wrapped up in me. I spend so much time thinking about how I could be better, how I fall short, how I need to step up my game, how I have done this or haven't done that. It's quite sad. Introspection is great and the Bible even tells me to examine myself, but as with most things balance is the key. Anytime I take a look at myself, I need to then take a much longer look at Jesus Christ. Focusing on me just makes me crazy....focusing on Jesus brings change that I could never bring on my own. There is this desire in me to really know Jesus....to understand Him...to love Him and praise Him the way He deserves....to be consumed by Him. This will never happen if most of my waking hours are spent meditating and focusing on me. Wow...what would life be like if I was consumed by Jesus....I hope to soon find out.

Church this past Sunday was like a little taste of heaven. Everybody was just goin' outta their minds praising God....it was so joyous and freeing. I think it so gracious that even while on earth we can experience that kinda joy in Him. And if praising Him at church is that wonderful, I get giddy when I think about what it'll be like in heaven.

Good things are happening at work. And they are the result of God answering prayer. I have prayed specifically that God would open doors for HOPE to get into schools we have never been in before. And that is exactly what is happening. I have a presentation scheduled for Roger's Herr Middle School and I'm in the process of setting up something for a middle school in Granville County. And it's been so easy. I haven't had to struggle or stalk teachers or anything strenuous. Just an info packet here...an email there....and BAM.....people are responding. I shouldn't be surprised when God does these things, because He is always answering prayer...but still every time He does it, I sit back in awe of His faithfulness. God has His hands on HOPE and it is my prayer that I will just be yielded to Him and that I will do what He has called me to do while I trust Him to do what only He can do.

I bought Anthony Evans' newest CD yesterday. I cannot wait till it comes. I predict that I will play that thing everyday for about a month and still not be tired of it.

So I was finally able to go to the dentist. It had been over a year since I'd been and all was well until right at the end when the dentist told me I had 2 cavities. WHAT????? I have never ever ever had a cavity in my life. Imagine my shock and dismay when she told me I had 2 and would need fillings. Huh?? What?? I could barely comprehend the words coming out of her mouth. Cavities don't happen to me. So now I have to pay for a procedure that is definitely NOT in my budget. I pray that God either miraculously heals my teeth or provides me with and extra $120 to pay for it. I guess that is what I get for being all smug and prideful about my teeth. While I was sitting in there I was listening to the person in the station beside me talk about all these problems he had with his teeth and I was thinking, "whew good for me I don't have to deal with stuff like that. i have great teeth," and then 10 minutes later I find out that otherwise. Boo. Never again will I take my teeth health for granted.

P.S. Did I really just say "teeth health"? LOL.

My Birthday Weekend

My birthday has come and gone and here I sit with my 23 y/o self. And I must say...I have this deep, peaceful assurance that this year of my life is going to be nothing short of amazing. Maybe it's becuz 23 started out with a bang. You wouldn't think that it would after reading my depressing pre-birthday post, but I am so thankful that God has the power to change a situation before you even have time to blink. It went down like this....

Thursday: Went to work and had a pleasant day. After work, I along with a few friends, went to my co-workers house. She and her husband invited us over for a birthday dinner. It was such a nice time. The food was good. Her husband is like this gourmet chef and she ain't no slouch either. We talked. We laffed. We heard their love story. We looked at pictures. It was a nice, low-key evening that I really enjoyed. It really made me feel loved that she and her husband would invite me and my friends into their home and cook for us just to celebrate my birthday even tho I haven't known them that long. Neway during the nite my co-worker said 2 things that I'm sure will have a profound effect on my life for the rest of my life:
1. It's possible to be pure and passionate in a rel.ship. She said that when she and her husband were dating they really wanted to have a pure rel.ship but they also wanted to enjoy the passion that comes from being in love. She mentioned how as Christians we get so caught up in the dating rules-- can't do this, can't touch that, can't kiss too long--that we become all rigid and passionless in our rel.ships. And it dawned on me......that is what I want too!!! I want to be perfectly pure and perfectly passionate. I don't wanna be so adamant about rel.ship rules that ppl can't even tell me and my man are actually very much in love with and attracted to one another. See what I mean? Totally changed my life.
2. Yes it's ok to have a list of qualities, but make sure these qualities focus more on character than on the traits you think are necessary to match up with you. She said that she had this prototype and her husband did not perfectly fit these things. However he is exactly what she needs and he has seeds of all the traits she thought were absolutely necessary. He isn't very musical, but he has an appreciation of music. He hasn't traveled a lot, but he has a definite appreciation for other cultures and languages. It's like I need to stop focusing so much on how I think I need a man to fit with me and instead focus on godly character traits. Not to say I'ma throw away my list and completely forget everything, but I just know that I need to adjust my approach and my thinking just a bit.

Friday: Cooked a delectable breakfast of omelets and potatoes. Went to Barnes and Noble. Took some time to do a "life assessment." It was great to sit down and answer the question, What do I want my life to look like? I wrote down things I definitely want to see in my life within the next year and I realized that I haven't taken full advantage of my singleness. I haven't made the most of my time. And so I have this great desire for a rel.ship and marriage, but at the same time I have this great desire to spend a little more time as a single so that I can really take advantage of this special time of life that God has placed me in. It's weird. I never thought I would get to this place. There's a lot I wanna do and I need to make up for lost time. And I feel like if I want an exciting, adventurous guy who really lives life to the fullest I need to be that kinda woman.

Saturday: Went to the beach with Michael and Janel and his family. It was fun in a low-key, chill kinda way. There was good food. Good company. And I really appreciated how hospitable and inviting Michael's family was. They just took me in like I'd been around them for the longest time. That night I had a great convo with Tiera as I shared with her my life assessment notes from Barnes and Noble. It was so amazing cuz God was all up in that convo. First when I told her about my desire to start writing again she said that she was just asking God to send her someone to write a piece for her and immediately she thought of me. So lately she's been thinking about asking me to write something for her. WOWOW!!! Blew my mind. THEN....I told her how I wanted to start exercising and stretching and she told me that during a convo with Natasha she said she thinks that before I'm in a rel.ship I need to start exercising. WOWOWOW again!!! Apparently she was going to bring it up to me, but she didn't have to because God had already laid it on my heart. Man....God never ceases to amaze me. I love Him! This convo wuz just confirmation of everything that has been swirling around in my heart.

Sunday: Had a powerful convo with my mom. She was giving me this great testimony of all that God is doing in my family. She said she really felt God speaking to her this weekend abt Zay....not worrying abt him and releasing him to God. That she was letting doubt get in the way of what God has already done in his life. It was so great to hear this from her....she sounded so joyful and so sure.....and it made me happy. Then she told me how at church today Zay was participating more in the service. More answers to prayer. Then she told me abt my dad.....how he's realized that he can't expect his sons to have a strong rel.ship with God if he doesn't. He said something to effect of wanting to get back his passion for God. And yet another answer. God is all up in my family...shaking things up and bringing awesome change. I am thrilled. And talking to my mom it reminded me of what a praying woman she is. I really think that is a legacy she has passed on to me and it's so great to think that because my mom is a praying woman, I too am a praying woman. I told her something that I've always wanted to tell her and my dad....that I know they are praying parents and I know that it is because of their prayers that I am where I am today. I just wanted her to know that I appreciate all those years of fervent, effectual prayer!

Whew! It was an amazing weekend. I really love how God was just speaking to me and showing me things and bringing confirmation and answering prayer all weekend long. I feel all stirred up with excitement and passion for my Lord. 23 is just now gettin started and it's already crazy good....can't wait to see what is next!